Crap.

25 Nov

So apparently I have new mets to my bones and my lung. Freaking excellent. I’m 22, I haven’t even done adult stuff yet. I’m not giving up or anything, but dammit! Why? I’m really scared. And, Oh.My.God.The.Pain! I just want this to hurry up and be over, whatever over is going to mean for me. Please! Today is just not a good day.

I’m so nauseous, I don’t even know what to do with myself. I can’t even make half of an effort to look at anything remotely edible today. These anti-nausea medicines are just not doing the job today…and they tend to be okay. Plus I’ve been coughing up some blood today, which scared the bejeezus out of me. And now these other doctors are talking about stuff like surgeries and palliative radiation for the bone mets…thalidomide in combination with other therapies, I don’t even know. Because apparently, we have to be more aggressive. We haven’t been aggressive enough. This thing is aggressive. He loves the word aggressive! 😡 GAHHHH But whatever they think is going to work, I’m willing to try, I suppose. I just fee like they’ve run out of options, and I don’t want that to happen. That scares me a lot.

Another thing is that everyday there just seems to be more bad news. When it rains, it pours. It really just doesn’t end, does it? I’m not even asking for a good day. I’m just asking for a day when nothing happens. A day when I just wake up, read, and go to sleep. Or how about days where I just sleep all day and do nothing, think about nothing, and worry about nothing? But that’s way too much to ask for. -____-

But what can you do? There’s literally nothing to do except keep pushing forward, because I’m not a quitter. Blah. I’d like to think that things happen for a reason. Please let there be a reason for all of this. A good reason. Cue obligatory once a day smile 🙂 and…NGUNS! Ok, I got this. I do.

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