“What a weary time those years were — to have the desire and the need to live but not the ability.”

2 Jan

I found out that my Aunt’s breast cancer came back, and I also found out that my friend’s little brother’s cancer came back in his shoulder. He has osteosarcoma. It’s like everywhere I look it’s freaking cancer, and it won’t leave me, or anyone else alone. Usually I can have a pretty good attitude about stuff like this, or at least an okay one, but seriously, this is becoming just too much. Sometimes I can pretend to be okay long enough to fool myself into thinking that it doesn’t really bother me, but that’s really not working anymore. I have a therapist and social worker and everything to talk to, but I feel like they’re just frustrating me now. They’re saying all the textbook things to say, but they’ve never had cancer. I mean I would never wish for them to or anything, but I feel like they don’t get it. And I know that I’m going to die, I know what stage IV metastatic RCC means…I see the people at the weekly infusions slowly stop coming, or the people that I talk to at support groups or at the infusion center die, and I just have to wonder when that will be me. I’m feeling really discouraged. Like what’s the point in even trying if I know what’s going to happen? I’m lonely here anyways. I just want all of this to be over. Like now.

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2 Responses to ““What a weary time those years were — to have the desire and the need to live but not the ability.””

  1. caroleaturso January 4, 2013 at 8:26 AM #

    I posted some encouragement on your page under cancer navigation site you are welcome to talk to me caroleaturso@gmail.com or call 7042775896. I survived brain trama and grandmother cancer and a friend of stage 4 … Gave u our tips or call for them

    • BcomingFree January 7, 2013 at 12:46 PM #

      I responded at the cancer navigation site. Thanks for your help 🙂

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