5 Jan

Aaaaand now I’m getting a respiratory tract infection. Excellent.

They said that one of my medications could cause myelosuppression (bone marrow sucking at it’s job of producing blood cells), and I thought, yeah yeah yeah long list of side effects, blah blah blah…but now I have one of the lamest immune systems I’ve ever had, and I have little purple spots. I’m getting Neupogen, blood products, procrit, antibiotics, etc. Sooooo frustrated…and I’m kind of scared, but mostly just because I’m feeling so alone right now. My dad had a PET scan yesterday. Didn’t get to talk to him to see how that went.

It’s hard to think of anything else at the moment…the nurses or whoever come in every 30 minutes to do or check one thing or another, and then things are beeping and whirring, and the pump will go all crazy when it empties, but I’m trying to “go to my happy place.” I’m feeling a full blown depression coming on…I mean…my hormones and blood levels of pretty much everything are all out of whack, so it could be that. I also no longer live close to any of my friends. Not a single one. So there’s that. You know…in addition to the whole cancer thing. I don’t know…I’m just being all whiny and complaining about everything, but right now I just feel like I need to.

I talked to some people about how I’ve been feeling…emotionally…and I think it just made me feel worse. And they’re supposed to be professionals. 😥  Everything is making me cry. Like…I’ll drop the spoon for my applesauce and burst into tears. Ahh get it together! I do like that I have this outlet to vent. It’s nice, and I like that I don’t always have to pretend to be all “brave” and “strong” and stuff like people keep telling me to be. I can just…say how I feel. Honestly, all those things that people think are encouraging, are really just…annoying. Sorry! I’m trying to have happy moments and live inside of them completely while they last, I just haven’t really had any these past few days.

3 Responses to “Excellent.”

  1. hlamme January 7, 2013 at 12:22 PM #

    You’re completely entitled to be whiny when you have so much rubbish stuff going on! My stepmum’s constantly in and out of hospital, sometimes I grumble to myself about how difficult it is, and then I remember that for her it’s a million times worse.
    I hope things start going better for you – I really do (and I hope that’s not too annoying :P)

    • BcomingFree January 7, 2013 at 12:26 PM #

      Thanks, and that’s not annoying at all haha
      I hope things get better for you and your stepmom as well.

  2. bcrcrider January 8, 2013 at 8:15 PM #

    Agree, totally! Feel how you feel and it’s okay to express it too. I’m there with you on the dropping the applesauce spoon – today I spilled my coffee and cried over it: http://ridingthebcrollercoaster.com/2013/01/08/spilt-coffee/ I’ve hit a rough patch but I’ll follow you and send you some healing energy when I can – fair?

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