Scared and Alone

23 Jan

In college, I had good friends that I could count on. A (co-ed) fraternity full of them, in fact! Now that I graduated, I live in a different city, and they’re all so far away. I don’t talk to too many of them anymore, and I don’t really have any friends here. Most people check up on me every once in a while, but it’s usually a text asking how I’m doing, and once I answer, then they feel they’ve satisfied their duty as a friend for a few weeks, and I don’t hear from them for a while. Maybe they just think I’m too busy to talk or that I want to be left alone, but I don’t, and I’ve tried to express that. Maybe I’m being too needy, expecting too much of people that have their own things going on right now. I mean, I probably am, but it’s just how I feel, and it’s hard to change that. I have one friend from college that I do keep in touch with on a regular basis, but she lives 7 hours away, so I can rarely see her. I just feel so lonely here. My family is amazing and they’re great people, but they’re just so stressed that they’re a little absent-minded as of late, and it feels like I’m talking to a wall when I try to talk to them. I’m sad pretty much 90% of the time, mostly because I’m doing this somewhat alone, though not completely. I probably feel more alone than I actually am, but that still hurts. Even texting doesn’t seem like quite enough on the really bad days. I’m the kind of person that…I just want to be in the company of a good friend, and that by itself tends to make me feel better. I’m really just scared and alone. That’s how I feel right now.

4 Responses to “Scared and Alone”

  1. hlamme January 24, 2013 at 10:36 AM #

    *hugs* I understand exactly how you feel, I had such a strong friendship group at school and now everyone’s far away, with new lives and new friends and new commitments…I feel like I’m just a sort of shadow in the background that they come to occasionally when they’ve got nothing else to do.
    It’s so hard to keep plodding on with life when there’s not someone near by that you can turn to. I think sometimes physical contact is really important too – I find that I can text people and see them around, but I really just want a hug or someone to sit with me for a while or watch tv with me.
    I’m thinking of you and sort of wishing good things in your direction (if that makes sense!)..Remember there’s always people on the internet – although obviously it’s not as good as a real person, there’s people around who are up for a chat 🙂

    • BcomingFree January 24, 2013 at 10:42 AM #

      Thanks, I could use a good chat. I guess college kind of spoiled me in that I thought a tribe of friends would always be close at hand. It’s hitting me now that real life isn’t that way. I’m learning that really abruptly and it feels like a huge loss. I suppose I’ll have to get used to being physically alone.

  2. Cancer Curmudgeon January 24, 2013 at 7:56 PM #

    I guess one of the problems of cancer is that it is a long-time disease, in a world in which we expect instant gratification. So your friends truly have no idea why you aren’t “over it” by now. Not making excuses for them, just expressing a sad and annoying idea. But like the comment above, that is the glory of the internet. I’m reading your stuff and you are on my mind!

    • BcomingFree January 24, 2013 at 9:25 PM #

      You are absolutely right! Thanks 🙂 likewise.

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