Helpless

6 Jul

Oh no, I love waking up at 4 AM in excruciating pain and not being able to fall back to sleep. It’s okay, I don’t mind vomiting until I can’t believe that there’d be anything left inside for me to bring up. No, I’m fine with having stage IV cancer with mets that won’t go away, that I won’t just “get over” so I can move on with my life. I don’t mind having to have conversations about Hospice while I’m only 22 years old, before I reach my dream of being a doctor. I know I’m a good person, and I didn’t do anything to anyone. I know that life is so unfair and never will be fair. I know that I lost my friend when she was 23, and she was the strongest person I’ve ever known. She never stopped fighting, and she still died. People die. That’s just how it goes. That’s a side effect of life. I know that my life has been full, so I guess I’ve lived a whole lifetime in these 22 years. I must have, right? Then why do I feel so angry right now? Why do I feel so helpless? Life is not going how I thought it would. I don’t want to hear my parents’ voices crack every time they talk to me. That’s bull, they shouldn’t have to feel this way. I don’t want my little brother to avoid any serious conversation with me. We’re growing apart when we should be coming together. I have to comfort everyone I talk to in some way or another or listen to them tell me things that I know won’t happen. Or they tell me things that make them feel better, and I have no idea what to say. I don’t know what to do. I used to be in control. I used to have my life all planned out, and now it’s all fallen apart. I have some tough choices that I don’t want to make. I just want to be able to sleep right now and not have to think about any of this. I don’t want to have to make this decision. I just want to close my eyes and pretend this isn’t all happening. Fxck Cancer.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: