My Everything Hurts

8 Jul

My everything hurts:

  • My head
  • My eyeballs
  • My stomach
  • My skin
  • My back
  • My neck
  • My throat
  • My hands and feet

My mom wants me to try one more treatment option. It’s new. I don’t know if I want to I just feel so done, but I understand where she’s coming from. I guess I’ll ask about it, it couldn’t hurt I guess. I’ll ask about that and get the home health nurse at the same time. It’s not easy being by myself. It’s getting darn near impossible. I guess that’s why my body is just rebelling right now. Too much all by myself, maybe? Maybe I have too much downtime to just sit around and feel sick. At least when school was in I had a distraction. Things I absolutely had to get done before the next day, so I couldn’t sit and dwell on how I felt as much. Now that’s pretty much all I do, and it’s really depressing. Speaking of which, the depression was lifting for a while, and now I’m afraid that it’s coming back. I feel scared and anxious. I feel helpless and hopeless. I don’t know what to do right now. I gave up on counseling, and I haven’t been to see the psychiatrist in a while, either. I do go back to see her this month, which is good because I’m almost out of sleeping pills, which is making me anxious. I can take short naps all day, but I can’t get through the night without them no matter how tired I am. I don’t know if it’s the pain or anxiety that does it to me or a combination of both. My bone marrow is starting to give me problems, it’s because of the treatment. And I’m not making enough EPO, so that’s not making things any better. I’m so done with all of this, really. But I’ll try I guess for my family. I’m trying to find ways to talk to my brother now. Talk more seriously, I mean. We’ll see how that goes. My mom went and called all of my doctors, because I guess she’s upset and just wants to know what’s all going on.

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2 Responses to “My Everything Hurts”

  1. Knot Telling July 8, 2013 at 10:36 PM #

    So sorry. Cancer throws the hardest things at us when we have the fewest resources to deal with them. Keep writing!
    Gentle, pain-free hugs.

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