I Left.

12 Jul

Last night I went to the ER because I was in so much pain, I was vomiting blood, and I had a ridiculously high fever of 104. They were able to stop the bleeding, reduce the pain, and bring the fever down to 102, but the wanted to admit me. They put me on broad spectrum antibiotics until they figure out exactly what type of infection we’re dealing with here. But you know what I did? I left. I just…walked out. Enough of this crap. I wanted to go home. My friend, Kristi, is coming to visit me today and I wanted it to be a visit at my apartment, so I left. I’ll just take a bunch of Tylenol and hope my fever goes away, I guess, I mean what can you do? And I went to the pharmacy, I have antibiotics that were prescribed, I’ll take those. I want to be in my own bed, puh-lease! For at least a week, damn! Is that too much to ask? Seriously? It’s my birthday this weekend, can’t it please just be good, please?

I really thought I was a goner last night. I panicked. I get annoyed when people try to sell me on bull. I know miracles happen, I’ve been praying for one. But I also know that God created doctors and scientists who come up with medicines, and He made science, and these people are pretty smart. They may not always be right, but they’re right a lot. I hope for the best, but I also prepare for the worst so as not to be caught off guard. Few people will let me talk about it. They keep telling me I’ll be fine, but you know what? I’m not fine. I have a legitimate fear that I will die from this, and I feel like people are invalidating my feelings. Everyone acts like no that could never happen, not to me. I don’t want to die, but maybe I will, maybe I won’t. Hopefully I won’t, but there are two outcomes. I guess this is why I need a counselor. People say that we’re all going to die, and that I’ll die eventually, but I sure wasn’t planning to come this close in my 20s. There’s blood all over my bed. Last night was bad. I wish I knew what God’s bigger plan for me was. Everything is so uncertain right now. I don’t like this constant uncertainty.

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2 Responses to “I Left.”

  1. Knot Telling July 13, 2013 at 12:50 AM #

    What a rotten night! Hope you’re feeling a better now and have a wonderful visit with Kristi!

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