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Quote

“Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come.”

30 Sep
“The most important thing I know now that I didn’t know then is this: People who are dying are still living.”
Dr. David Kuhl
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Hi

19 Sep

Sorry for my absence. I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed, and I’ve been extremely tired. I’ve had a really hard time getting out of my bed, and I’ve missed my last 2 chemo appointments due to low blood counts that won’t seem to stay up anymore. I have had my exam week for school, and am not sure how much longer I can continue doing this. It’s been rough. I’ve spent much more time asleep than awake, and I’m strongly considering moving back home as I don’t think I can handle school anymore. This has made me pretty deeply depressed, and I’ve kind of withdrawn from talking to people a little bit. I’m really not sure how much more I can take, and I just want this all to be over.

My Date

3 Sep

My date didn’t go as planned. It was raining, so we couldn’t go to the zoo. I suggested the aquarium, but then he said he couldn’t stay very long. I also was not feeling very well, so we just relaxed and had some tea. I didn’t get to know too much more about him, and it feels like it didn’t last long enough. It may have felt that way regardless of how long it was, though. Overall, I think it was a success, though. I say this because he wants to try for either the zoo or aquarium again next Sunday. So that’s gotta be good news, right? It didn’t come up about the cancer, so I didn’t tell him, but it came up when I saw him at school today, so I told him. He didn’t seem like he wanted to run away, so that was good. He just told me that everything is going to be okay. I wish I could believe that, but I’ll let him believe that.

 I also met this other guy, and he came over the other day. I really like him. His mom is a breast cancer survivor, and me being sick doesn’t scare him away. That’s what I’m always most worried about. Time will tell whether that’s the case or not, but I’d like to think that it’s going to work out. He said he would like to come to chemo with me and my doctor’s appointments if I would let him. He’s really sweet and has been texting me really nice things.

My parents and my little brother visited this past weekend. I enjoyed their company. It was good to have them around. Especially my little brother. I didn’t think he was going to come, but I’m so glad that he did. We’re pretty much best friends.

Link

Urology Innovation – When Kidney Cancer Hits the Vena Cava

30 Aug

Urology Innovation – When Kidney Cancer Hits the Vena Cava.

Aside

I’m Not Going

29 Aug

I’m not going to school tomorrow. I’m not going to get out of my bed. I’m just gonna stay here and wallow in self pity. Just for one day, and then see what to do from there.

Aside 29 Aug

My parents are coming tomorrow.

Son of a Mother

29 Aug

It Spread. F My Life.

It’s invading my vena cava and it’s spread to pelvic lymph nodes near the external iliac artery.

Stupid Cancer!

28 Aug

The other day I passed out in the shower and got a concussion. That’s just what I needed in addition to the shingles and bleeding and…well…cancer. A concussion. It’s like the little cherry on top! It’s actually more like a ‘kick me when I’m down’ kind of moment. But I like the cherry on top idea better. It works, too, because I don’t like those little red cherries. Anyways, I’m back at school, so it’s ok, I’m ok. I just have a massive headache and it’s kinda hard to concentrate, but we’re learning about cancer in class right now, so it’s not like that’s something I have no idea about. Ugh. I’m like the class ‘resident cancer expert’ so everyone is asking me for help with the carcinogenesis and neoplasms chapters. At least this cancer is useful for something.

I’m not producing enough of my own red blood cells, so I’m getting pretty anemic. It’s a problem with both myelosuppression and lack of EPO because of decreased kidney function. That’s most likely why I passed out. I threw up basically all day yesterday, so I didn’t even try to eat or even use the PEG tube. Or as Randi so affectionately called hers, “Peggy.” I am having a cup of tea right now, but I can tell that it’s not going to stay down. I’m already getting those waves of heat all over with the chills and cold sweats that I usually get when I’m going to throw up. My apartment is kind of a mess. I haven’t been putting my clothes away when I take them off..just haven’t really had the energy to do it, so there are clothes scattered about, and my parents are going to come visit me and my mom will NOT appreciate the condition my apartment is in. She’s the kind of person that before she comes over, I need to vacuum, dust, polish, and scrub everything or she’ll have to make some kind of comment. But then she usually winds up cleaning it. My clean and her clean are two completely different things. I don’t think I could ever clean up to her standards. I don’t know what she sees when she looks at things. But I don’t have the energy for all of that. I’ll just pick up my clothes and call it a day, and she’ll complain, and I’ll be like, ‘I was too tired’ and she’ll understand and clean for me. >_<

There’s this guy at school that likes me. He’s a first year, but he’s a year older than me. He wants to take me to dinner sometime. I haven’t told him that eating isn’t really a thing that’s high on my list, but…I suggested something else like the aquarium. I have a year pass, so i might as well use it as many times as I can before the year ends. Or maybe the art museum would be cool. I don’t know what he’s into, but I think he’d like just going anywhere with me. He’s lived in this city for years now, and I’ve lived here for a year. I haven’t gotten out much to explore the city, so he wants to take me to a few places to see some random things around here. Sounds cool to me. Oh, and he’s from Sudan and he has family there and in Egypt. It’s pretty cool. He also speaks 3 languages: Arabic, English, and some nubian language that I forgot the name of. English was his 3rd language, he learned it when he was about 12. It just feels nice to have some human connection and interaction like that in person again. I miss that. 🙂 He doesn’t know about all the health stuff and I don’t really wanna tell him and run him off, but it was kinda obvious I guess, and he didn’t seem to mind, but he doesn’t know any details or anything. Gah! Stupid cancer.

Aside

Crap

25 Aug

I’m out of Ambien. How will I sleep now?

It’s Decided

25 Aug

After talking with my hospice home health nurse, it’s decided that I’m going to get TPN, hydration, and IV antibiotics from my apartment when she visits in addition to the blood draws, physical therapy, and personal care help. I’ll also get remote monitoring of vital signs since I’m a “high hospitalization risk” patient or ‘client’…whatever they want to call me. Then, I’m also going to get a volunteer that comes out to help me with other things around the apartment and takes me to chemo and stuff. That will be much needed. It’s still a little embarrassing to me personally…just needing all of this extra help, but if it helps me get through this without having to move back home, so be it.