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Hello

17 Oct

Hi everyone, just wanted to make an update.

So the past couple days have been relatively okay. Just a few complaints. My mouth is so dry. I’ve been using the biotene products, but it’s not helping as much as I want it to. It’s so dry it hurts and I have the most awful taste in my mouth. And the nausea, probably from the pain medicines, and there’s this heartburn that won’t go away. It’s getting more and more intense. It was just an inconvenient gurgle at first, but now it’s like the pits of hell are rumbling up through my insides. I’ve been in my bed for most of the time…probably too many hours out of each day. I need to get up and do stuff, I think. I’m pretty sure it’s the depression. Maybe the fact that I’m always exhausted and always sleeping. But otherwise, not too bad.

On a happier note, my little brother got a new cell phone, and it’s lime green, so now we can text each other pictures and we can just…text more. So that is good. My dad and I had a good talk yesterday. My pain meds are working pretty well. I’ve made a classical music playlist that I like to listen to sometimes, and it’s just kind of relaxing. I also really like that song Royals by Lorde. My dad is doing fantastically well, still having dry mouth. He has to drink water and swish it around in his mouth when he eats food so that he can swallow it. But other than that, he’s doing fantastically. So, yeah, that’s my update.

Can’t Sleep

13 Oct

I can’t sleep because I’m anxious, and I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I’m extremely exhausted, so this is just not going to work, no.

Hi

19 Sep

Sorry for my absence. I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed, and I’ve been extremely tired. I’ve had a really hard time getting out of my bed, and I’ve missed my last 2 chemo appointments due to low blood counts that won’t seem to stay up anymore. I have had my exam week for school, and am not sure how much longer I can continue doing this. It’s been rough. I’ve spent much more time asleep than awake, and I’m strongly considering moving back home as I don’t think I can handle school anymore. This has made me pretty deeply depressed, and I’ve kind of withdrawn from talking to people a little bit. I’m really not sure how much more I can take, and I just want this all to be over.

Aside

I’m Not Going

29 Aug

I’m not going to school tomorrow. I’m not going to get out of my bed. I’m just gonna stay here and wallow in self pity. Just for one day, and then see what to do from there.

Aside

Crap

25 Aug

I’m out of Ambien. How will I sleep now?

Life is Tearing Me Down.

24 Aug

I can’t catch a break. I need to just breathe, and I can’t even have a moment. Everything just keeps happening. I feel like I’m not allowed to complain, but I want to scream. My body is giving up on me, I can feel it. Today was an awful day. it’s really not fair. I don’t like to ask why me or anything like that, but seriously? Why is all of this happening? I can’t deal with this. It’s too much. Also, I don’t really have a support group here. My one back at college is diminishing, too, because everyone is graduating and going off to different places. I have nowhere where I can go back to and say, “This is home. This is where my people are.” I don’t have a place like that. I don’t have a physical group of support people here where I am…not really. Not like I had in college. I have people to take notes and record lectures for me, and that’s great, I appreciate that. But, I don’t have people to talk to and say, “I’m having a tough time.” I don’t even have a therapist anymore. I’ve been in the hospital so much this summer. And what if this is the last year I’ll be able to stay in school? I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next week or month. I can’t even plan for my future like I used to. What if I don’t have one? I feel like giving up everyday, but I said I wouldn’t. I wear that promise on my wrist everyday, so I know I can’t, but it’s so hard. I don’t know how to deal with this.

Aside 24 Aug

Yo no me doy por vencido.

Chemotherapy Today

18 Aug

 So, I had chemo today. It was kind of not a good experience, because I was already throwing up and feeling so weak last night that I couldn’t really make it to the bathroom. My aide came in the morning to help out and she took me to chemo, where I got lots of fluids. I keep getting so dehydrated. I don’t mean to let that happen, I just can’t keep anything down. I got a new medicine that should help me be able to eat, it came in the mail the other day, so hopefully that help with the dehydration, too.

I feel really weird that the nurses have to put on all this gear just to administer this medicine, and it’s going straight into my veins. Like, that can’t be safe, right? I don’t know how much hope I have that this trial is going to work. Certainly not as much as some of the people around me, but they have to have hope for me. It’s all they can do. And this is the last thing we’re trying, so everyone is kind of placing their eggs in one basket if you know what I mean.

I just want a chance to feel normal, and this trial can take up to a year. A year of this is certainly not going to be normal. Not even close. Maybe I’ll get used to it, and maybe the side effects will stop being so bad, but I have a feeling that as the toxicity builds up, it’ll be the other way around. I really want to be able to finish school, and I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I’m already feeling like I can’t do it. I’m already doubting myself. I’m also starting to feel like maybe I won’t make it to graduation, so maybe all of this is pointless. Maybe I’m just overthinking things, but I really don’t have anyone to talk to about these things. Not in person at least. I don’t have a lot of support here where I am, so it feels like I’m doing this by myself sometimes. That’s a really lonely feeling. I’m trying to push through, but there’s only so much I can do, and I don’t exactly know when it’s time to stop, but I don’t know if I will. How do you know something like that? I do want to stop. Kind of. I also don’t.I have been thinking about dying a lot. I’m scared that it will hurt. I’m scared that I’ll miss things. Important things. My brother just turned 18. He wants to go into the Marines, and then he wants to become a police officer. I wonder how much of that I’ll get to be a part of. It’s hard with this uncertainty always hanging over my head. I try to stay in the present, but how can I? I’ve been planning for my future my whole life, and now it might be taken away. That hurts. I’ve wanted to be a doctor for so long, but the process just takes so incredibly long, that I may not see the end of it. People keep suggesting alternative treatments and diets to me, or eating soursop and all of that, but I can’t even eat, I can’t change my diet much, because I can’t even figure out what stays down in the first place! My classmates are going out to eat, having parties, and doing all of this fun stuff, and I’m unable to participate in the majority of it. It just doesn’t seem fair. I know that life isn’t fair, but…you can’t help wanting it to be.

I should really get back to studying now. I have to study for microbiology, pharmacology, pathology, and I don’t think I have much to do for fundamentals of medicine, but I do want to see if I can get to reading some more of Robbins. It’s hard to do today. It’s hard to concentrate, because I’m just so tired, and I feel so sick to my stomach. I found out one of my friends from when I was younger got married and had a baby. She has two kids now. A lot of my friends are getting engaged, married, and having kids. I’m just sitting here having cancer. A lot of my classmates are getting engaged, too. I’m happy for them, but every time one of them gets engaged, it just reminds me of how lonely I am. I know I’m rambling, and the flow of this entry makes little sense, but that’s what I need right now. Just to vent in whatever way I want. Like I said before, I’m not a write. This isn’t article quality. Just some random thoughts of a sick student. I keep wishing life were different. I keep thinking how different they’d be if I were healthy right now. How good my grades would be, and how much easier it would be to make friends. Maybe I would even be asked on a date. Who knows. I can’t keep living in “what ifs.” It only makes things worse.

So Here’s What I Did…

10 Aug

I hightailed it over to ATL where the trial is so that I can stop sitting around here feeling sorry for myself. Moping is against medical advice. I can actually DO something about my health now. I know I’m technically not really exactly supposed to be driving, but what’s the worst that can happen, right? I made it here safely. Plus, school starts Monday, and I HAD to be here for that. I hate missing school, and it gives me something to think about instead of sitting around having a pity party. My parents didn’t know I left until I got here. They were PISSED, OMG! But since I made it safely and I’m 8 hours away, there’s not much they can really do about it now besides yell at me over the phone. I can handle that. They’ll get over it…I hope. So now…I start the clinical trial tomorrow, and this is the best way it’ll match up with my school schedule, so I shouldn’t have to miss much school. I’ll be on Sunitinib (Sutent™) and Gemcitabine (Gemzar™) together…we’ll see how this goes.

Can’t Sleep

10 Aug

Again.

This shouldn’t surprise me. It happens all the time, even with the Ambien. Now here comes the part where I start thinking too many thoughts alone in my room and get all worked up over things that A) shouldn’t bother me, B) will never occur, or C) I shouldn’t be thinking about in the first place.

Right now, I’d say we’re at C. Still can’t stop thinking about those statistics I saw earlier. It got even worse when it metastasized to multiple distant locations, and uh…yeah, I won that bag of shit jackpot, too. Lucky me over here! I know I shouldn’t be thinking about this, which is why it’s on my list as C.

I also had a strange dream. I was at a show in an auditorium, and we kept changing seat for some weird reason that I can’t exactly explain, but it had to do with the trajectory of this thing that would slice our broccoli. Then, we left, and my brother and I had to run back to our house, but they had turned it into dorm rooms and made all the rooms smaller (everyone got a corner of the microwave to use) and locked us in the basement. *we don’t even have a basement* so we ran around campus until we could finally get into our house and we had to battle everyone inside to get our house back, but the people inside were my cousins and my little sib from school. I was livid. Then there was some cap’n crunch involved somehow and running around and a Christmas tree, and we got our house back, but had a lot of unwanted guests in the dining room.