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Aside

Night!

1 Oct

My eyes are crisscrossing and glazing over…I should go to sleep. Night!

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Hi

19 Sep

Sorry for my absence. I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed, and I’ve been extremely tired. I’ve had a really hard time getting out of my bed, and I’ve missed my last 2 chemo appointments due to low blood counts that won’t seem to stay up anymore. I have had my exam week for school, and am not sure how much longer I can continue doing this. It’s been rough. I’ve spent much more time asleep than awake, and I’m strongly considering moving back home as I don’t think I can handle school anymore. This has made me pretty deeply depressed, and I’ve kind of withdrawn from talking to people a little bit. I’m really not sure how much more I can take, and I just want this all to be over.

My Date

3 Sep

My date didn’t go as planned. It was raining, so we couldn’t go to the zoo. I suggested the aquarium, but then he said he couldn’t stay very long. I also was not feeling very well, so we just relaxed and had some tea. I didn’t get to know too much more about him, and it feels like it didn’t last long enough. It may have felt that way regardless of how long it was, though. Overall, I think it was a success, though. I say this because he wants to try for either the zoo or aquarium again next Sunday. So that’s gotta be good news, right? It didn’t come up about the cancer, so I didn’t tell him, but it came up when I saw him at school today, so I told him. He didn’t seem like he wanted to run away, so that was good. He just told me that everything is going to be okay. I wish I could believe that, but I’ll let him believe that.

 I also met this other guy, and he came over the other day. I really like him. His mom is a breast cancer survivor, and me being sick doesn’t scare him away. That’s what I’m always most worried about. Time will tell whether that’s the case or not, but I’d like to think that it’s going to work out. He said he would like to come to chemo with me and my doctor’s appointments if I would let him. He’s really sweet and has been texting me really nice things.

My parents and my little brother visited this past weekend. I enjoyed their company. It was good to have them around. Especially my little brother. I didn’t think he was going to come, but I’m so glad that he did. We’re pretty much best friends.

You’re Probably Sick of My Dreams

31 Aug

I had a dream that I was a backup dancer for Robin Thicke, but all the other dancers were little girls and this one little boy. It was really awkward. This one little girl was crying. We were all trying to get attention from the audience so that we could win (win what? I don’t know), and this little girl, Julia, was a backup dancer and she was crying, so someone got on the loudspeaker and sang a song just for her. We got up and sang some children’s song together and then posed. Then, Robin Thicke came on stage to perform. People were kind of upset with him because his tour bus was blocking the view and he needed his own personal red carpet.

I also had a dream that Tom Cruise asked me to take his orange and black mustang and go kill people. He wanted me to be back by noon, which was impossible given the time constraints. So basically I turned into an evil guy and went and killed all these people, and then Adele was supposed to be driving them back to Tom’s office for me. She got in a car accident with all of the bodies in the car, and they flew everywhere. She then turned into a live sarcophagus that was upside down in the desert, but she looked like a giant bug. That sentence makes no sense, but that’s about how much sense it made in my dream. But yeah, I was upset because I just wanted Tom Cruise not to be upset with me because he would kill me.

Then I had a dream that I was at school and my parents were coming to visit. I was taking this really hard exam from my neuro professor, but it was on pathology. Then my parents met my pathophysiology professor who lived with a 3rd year. They took my parents to see the Dean, and I went back to class.

Aside

The Zoo

30 Aug

The guy from school that likes me texted me. He wants to take me to the zoo on Monday. I’m gonna go.

Rough, Yet Satisfying

28 Aug

School was rough today. It was so long, and I was super exhausted. I don’t think I could have stayed another minute. I was so nauseous, too. And I have a killer headache. But I did correctly diagnose a 4 year old girl (in a clinical vignette) with a purulent bacterial meningitis manifesting in her subarachnoid space with a high concentration of neutrophils (hence the purulence) and with phlebitis due to the meningitis. It was secondary to chronic otitis media. Maybe I can actually do this whole doctor thing! I’m getting pretty good at it 🙂 So that made me excited, because I did get pimped on the question and I got every single thing right! Which is very rare in this class. Gah Pathology!

Stupid Cancer!

28 Aug

The other day I passed out in the shower and got a concussion. That’s just what I needed in addition to the shingles and bleeding and…well…cancer. A concussion. It’s like the little cherry on top! It’s actually more like a ‘kick me when I’m down’ kind of moment. But I like the cherry on top idea better. It works, too, because I don’t like those little red cherries. Anyways, I’m back at school, so it’s ok, I’m ok. I just have a massive headache and it’s kinda hard to concentrate, but we’re learning about cancer in class right now, so it’s not like that’s something I have no idea about. Ugh. I’m like the class ‘resident cancer expert’ so everyone is asking me for help with the carcinogenesis and neoplasms chapters. At least this cancer is useful for something.

I’m not producing enough of my own red blood cells, so I’m getting pretty anemic. It’s a problem with both myelosuppression and lack of EPO because of decreased kidney function. That’s most likely why I passed out. I threw up basically all day yesterday, so I didn’t even try to eat or even use the PEG tube. Or as Randi so affectionately called hers, “Peggy.” I am having a cup of tea right now, but I can tell that it’s not going to stay down. I’m already getting those waves of heat all over with the chills and cold sweats that I usually get when I’m going to throw up. My apartment is kind of a mess. I haven’t been putting my clothes away when I take them off..just haven’t really had the energy to do it, so there are clothes scattered about, and my parents are going to come visit me and my mom will NOT appreciate the condition my apartment is in. She’s the kind of person that before she comes over, I need to vacuum, dust, polish, and scrub everything or she’ll have to make some kind of comment. But then she usually winds up cleaning it. My clean and her clean are two completely different things. I don’t think I could ever clean up to her standards. I don’t know what she sees when she looks at things. But I don’t have the energy for all of that. I’ll just pick up my clothes and call it a day, and she’ll complain, and I’ll be like, ‘I was too tired’ and she’ll understand and clean for me. >_<

There’s this guy at school that likes me. He’s a first year, but he’s a year older than me. He wants to take me to dinner sometime. I haven’t told him that eating isn’t really a thing that’s high on my list, but…I suggested something else like the aquarium. I have a year pass, so i might as well use it as many times as I can before the year ends. Or maybe the art museum would be cool. I don’t know what he’s into, but I think he’d like just going anywhere with me. He’s lived in this city for years now, and I’ve lived here for a year. I haven’t gotten out much to explore the city, so he wants to take me to a few places to see some random things around here. Sounds cool to me. Oh, and he’s from Sudan and he has family there and in Egypt. It’s pretty cool. He also speaks 3 languages: Arabic, English, and some nubian language that I forgot the name of. English was his 3rd language, he learned it when he was about 12. It just feels nice to have some human connection and interaction like that in person again. I miss that. 🙂 He doesn’t know about all the health stuff and I don’t really wanna tell him and run him off, but it was kinda obvious I guess, and he didn’t seem to mind, but he doesn’t know any details or anything. Gah! Stupid cancer.

Someone Wrote This About Me

25 Aug

I know a 23 year old girl who has been declared disabled. She has had several types of cancer. She is weak and always sick. She coughs up blood. She is thin and can not eat solid foods. She visits the ER at least every 3 days to get blood and fluids and meds and nutrition to keep her alive. She has every right to give up on life. She is in pain all the time. She has been like this for over a year now. The doctors told her she has a less than 10% chance of surviving what she has.…

Do you know what she did last week? She started her next year in medical school. After her first day of school, she ended up in the ER to get blood. She then went home and started reading a required text that will likely take her most of the year to read. After the third day of school, she had to call an ambulance to go to the ER. She was coughing up blood and choking on it. She had procedures and then went back home late that night. She managed to get to school the next day. She still drives herself. She wants to be a doctor, and she is not giving up on that dream. She thinks everyday that this may be her last day. She is scared. She is in great pain. But, she is not giving up. 

It’s strange to think that I inspire people. It’s a weird feeling because I don’t know that I’m doing it. All I try to do is get through each day. When people tell me that they feel inspired by me or that I’m so strong, I usually end up feeling awkward. But somehow, this struck me. It showed me how by doing what I do, it can actually mean something. That motivates me to keep going even when it seems impossible. Thank you for believing in me. I will try not to let you down.

My Dream Made No Sense At All

25 Aug

I was dying from cancer. I was having a very weird conversation with Jim on the phone. My dad got diagnosed with colon cancer, so I kept following him everywhere, and he got annoyed. I dressed up like a ballerina and took pictures of myself and ‘how things used to be’ before I got cancer. Then, I was Stewie from Family Guy going down a slide that cost 50¢, but I paid $21. It was for people 11 years old and under. It spun you around in your thoughts. Then I was me again watching telemundo and univisión with my friend from high school. Then we talked about a bunch of people in music videos with lots of colors as I ate from a jar of peanut butter and jelly swirled together while in church. After that, my mom took a history of my cousin Crystal’s life from her before she died. Then my cousin Malcolm and I started flying in circles around the room higher and higher. I was trying to get higher than him because I’m slightly older. He’s much taller, though, and I scraped the ceiling, so it didn’t work. Then I circled so fast and I jumped awake. It was startling.

The night before, I forgot that I also dreamt that I was in a new house with my family. My room was really small and inside of my brother’s room. Then I explored it more and discovered it was huge with it’s own other bedrooms and luxurious bathrooms. Then it became a bed store. I had to run back to the original room before time ran out and I lost it forever. The bathroom was in my brother’s room. Every room was full of old baby stuff from the last family that lived there. It was all shoved to the sides of the rooms. The shower had carpet and no walls, so I felt weird in there.

I had another dream that I was at an expo, and I dressed up in my dobok to go back to a taekwondo and MMA competition. It was also an ice skating, hypnotism, and ribbon twirling competition. I wanted to compete, but hadn’t fought in a long time, so I couldn’t. We looked at some clothes and hair ties they were selling at the expo and my mom got into it with a lady at the scarf table. We looked at some clothes and then went to watch the matches. We saw some guys fighting tirelessly and they were still going when we left. We watched my friends compete, and we sat next to this lady who claimed she loved me since the day she gave birth to me as she clung to me during the hypnotism routine. my mom then explained the details of my birth. The woman’s daughter and the woman went to the parking lot with us and they left. My mom and I got in her rental car. She had forgotten to cap the exhaust pipes. On my passenger side, I had a steering wheel and what I thought were brakes, too. It was just a shortbread cookie can. There was bluetooth hookup for your pager. It was a kind of old car.

My last dream was that I was at the hospital working with my mom. I was following her all over the place. We tested my dad’s kidney function and his heart function. Then she got a phone call and had to leave. I saved some medicine for one of her patients in the medicine cabinet at the office. Then she took me with her, though I was supposed to go with my dad. We posed for pictures with a dog on a tennis court, then we went through the halls of the hospital. I started to samba dance, and we saw all of these people in costumes ready to do a dance competition. We went into Dr. Niambi’s office, which was huge as in my dream she was the ‘queen of my medical school’ and we talked to some ladies about their children. My mom asked me to leave, and then they discussed ‘adult matters.’ I came back, and was asked why. I said I missed them, and they all cooed. We were then all dressed up. Will Smith was talking and his kids were playing in her water fountain getting all dirty. My dad and I moved away from them and took Dr. Niambi’s microphones out of her call box. She came back and started to sing, so my dad and I ballroom danced. We put her microphones back, and then my mom went into her office to discuss her partner dropping her from the practice to see whose fault it was. Then I woke up.

Life is Tearing Me Down.

24 Aug

I can’t catch a break. I need to just breathe, and I can’t even have a moment. Everything just keeps happening. I feel like I’m not allowed to complain, but I want to scream. My body is giving up on me, I can feel it. Today was an awful day. it’s really not fair. I don’t like to ask why me or anything like that, but seriously? Why is all of this happening? I can’t deal with this. It’s too much. Also, I don’t really have a support group here. My one back at college is diminishing, too, because everyone is graduating and going off to different places. I have nowhere where I can go back to and say, “This is home. This is where my people are.” I don’t have a place like that. I don’t have a physical group of support people here where I am…not really. Not like I had in college. I have people to take notes and record lectures for me, and that’s great, I appreciate that. But, I don’t have people to talk to and say, “I’m having a tough time.” I don’t even have a therapist anymore. I’ve been in the hospital so much this summer. And what if this is the last year I’ll be able to stay in school? I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next week or month. I can’t even plan for my future like I used to. What if I don’t have one? I feel like giving up everyday, but I said I wouldn’t. I wear that promise on my wrist everyday, so I know I can’t, but it’s so hard. I don’t know how to deal with this.