Been A While

12 Oct

I have to get a chest x-ray. I think I got the pain medicine all figured out, because my pain level is way better, but I’m so sleepy and out of it. Sometimes things don’t feel real. It feels like I’m sleeping all the time or like everything is a dream even while I’m awake. I haven’t been posting much, either. Also, I grind my teeth when I sleep, and when I’m awake, it just feels like I’m clenching my jaw all the time, so my face always hurts. I can’t stop myself from doing it, though. I’ve been trying to talk to my dad, but I feel like I’m not really making sense, but I don’t know. I’m sleepy.

Aside

Night!

1 Oct

My eyes are crisscrossing and glazing over…I should go to sleep. Night!

Quote

“Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come.”

30 Sep
“The most important thing I know now that I didn’t know then is this: People who are dying are still living.”
Dr. David Kuhl

Hi

19 Sep

Sorry for my absence. I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed, and I’ve been extremely tired. I’ve had a really hard time getting out of my bed, and I’ve missed my last 2 chemo appointments due to low blood counts that won’t seem to stay up anymore. I have had my exam week for school, and am not sure how much longer I can continue doing this. It’s been rough. I’ve spent much more time asleep than awake, and I’m strongly considering moving back home as I don’t think I can handle school anymore. This has made me pretty deeply depressed, and I’ve kind of withdrawn from talking to people a little bit. I’m really not sure how much more I can take, and I just want this all to be over.

My Date

3 Sep

My date didn’t go as planned. It was raining, so we couldn’t go to the zoo. I suggested the aquarium, but then he said he couldn’t stay very long. I also was not feeling very well, so we just relaxed and had some tea. I didn’t get to know too much more about him, and it feels like it didn’t last long enough. It may have felt that way regardless of how long it was, though. Overall, I think it was a success, though. I say this because he wants to try for either the zoo or aquarium again next Sunday. So that’s gotta be good news, right? It didn’t come up about the cancer, so I didn’t tell him, but it came up when I saw him at school today, so I told him. He didn’t seem like he wanted to run away, so that was good. He just told me that everything is going to be okay. I wish I could believe that, but I’ll let him believe that.

 I also met this other guy, and he came over the other day. I really like him. His mom is a breast cancer survivor, and me being sick doesn’t scare him away. That’s what I’m always most worried about. Time will tell whether that’s the case or not, but I’d like to think that it’s going to work out. He said he would like to come to chemo with me and my doctor’s appointments if I would let him. He’s really sweet and has been texting me really nice things.

My parents and my little brother visited this past weekend. I enjoyed their company. It was good to have them around. Especially my little brother. I didn’t think he was going to come, but I’m so glad that he did. We’re pretty much best friends.

You’re Probably Sick of My Dreams

31 Aug

I had a dream that I was a backup dancer for Robin Thicke, but all the other dancers were little girls and this one little boy. It was really awkward. This one little girl was crying. We were all trying to get attention from the audience so that we could win (win what? I don’t know), and this little girl, Julia, was a backup dancer and she was crying, so someone got on the loudspeaker and sang a song just for her. We got up and sang some children’s song together and then posed. Then, Robin Thicke came on stage to perform. People were kind of upset with him because his tour bus was blocking the view and he needed his own personal red carpet.

I also had a dream that Tom Cruise asked me to take his orange and black mustang and go kill people. He wanted me to be back by noon, which was impossible given the time constraints. So basically I turned into an evil guy and went and killed all these people, and then Adele was supposed to be driving them back to Tom’s office for me. She got in a car accident with all of the bodies in the car, and they flew everywhere. She then turned into a live sarcophagus that was upside down in the desert, but she looked like a giant bug. That sentence makes no sense, but that’s about how much sense it made in my dream. But yeah, I was upset because I just wanted Tom Cruise not to be upset with me because he would kill me.

Then I had a dream that I was at school and my parents were coming to visit. I was taking this really hard exam from my neuro professor, but it was on pathology. Then my parents met my pathophysiology professor who lived with a 3rd year. They took my parents to see the Dean, and I went back to class.

Aside

The Zoo

30 Aug

The guy from school that likes me texted me. He wants to take me to the zoo on Monday. I’m gonna go.

Link

Urology Innovation – When Kidney Cancer Hits the Vena Cava

30 Aug

Urology Innovation – When Kidney Cancer Hits the Vena Cava.

Aside

I’m Not Going

29 Aug

I’m not going to school tomorrow. I’m not going to get out of my bed. I’m just gonna stay here and wallow in self pity. Just for one day, and then see what to do from there.

Aside 29 Aug

My parents are coming tomorrow.