Tag Archives: advice

Big Steps

15 Mar

I talked to my mom yesterday, and she asked me if I remembered to call this guy to give him advice about getting into medical school. She asked me to do this a little while back right in the middle of exam week when I was doing regular and make-up exams. I told her that I forgot to call him, because I honestly just forgot. Then she got all mad at me and started saying all these awful things about me. I started crying because I had called her to tell her about the GI bleed and about me being depressed and seeing the psychiatrist. Obviously, I couldn’t do that now, so I just told her I’d talk to her later. That really upset me…a lot. So then today I called her to try again, and I did. I told her about both. She and I talked for about 2 hours, and she said if I were her patient and said all that, she’d put me on Zoloft, so she’s actually taking my complaints seriously this time. She usually gives me the “anyone in your situation” or “it’s the winter/lack of sun” or “medical school stress” speech. She told me she agrees with me going ahead and seeing the psychiatrist. So, that’s definitely a huge step. I’m also home from the hospital now, which is another step, and I plan to participate in Relay for Life tomorrow if I can.

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I Missed This

28 Feb

So I talked on the phone to a friend last night that I thought was blowing me off. One day this past week he said he’d call and never did. Then I texted him and he never replied. I kinda was hurt, but apparently that first night he fell asleep (happens all the time to people, nothing to be mad about, I guess). Then he got a new phone or something because his last phone went all wacky on him, and lost my number, so he was just waiting for me to call him.

So I found this out when I called him thinking that he wouldn’t answer because he was ignoring me or something. He answered and we had a really good conversation, and it made me feel better about a lot of things. Then, he told me that once he finishes school, he’s getting married to the girl he’s dating now. I had no idea how to take this, because they’ve only been dating for like 4 1/2 months now. He said they both really connected and they talked about it a lot, and she was ready, and he’s giving that time frame of until he finishes school before he even proposes and stuff, so that’s when they’re getting engaged, not married, but like…I don’t know that just seems really fast. I didn’t wanna say that and sound disapproving or judgmental or anything, so I just said…congratulations, because I wasn’t sure how to reply. Then his response wasn’t thank you, it sounded more like he was defending his decision. I don’t know if it was because I paused or if it was my tone of voice, but he felt the need to defend himself after I congratulated him. Anyways, that was weird. When he started dating her, we started talking less…completely understandable. But then, it got to the point where we almost didn’t talk at all, and then when we did…all he would really talk about is her. That’s probably where these mixed feelings I’m having are coming from.

But he’s one of the few people that really asks and cares how I feel like…emotionally. Like really really cares and takes the time to listen to every silly little thought (rational and irrational) that I have. And then, he doesn’t just tell me what he thinks I should do about them (unless he knows some really good thing to try that I haven’t already thought of…rare occurrence). He just tells me he’s there and he cares, and he agrees about how much things suck.

The thing he told me this time was something about how I may not want to get up and study everyday or do whatever it is that I have to do that day, but I want to want to get up and study, and that’s something. That’s better than nothing, and that’s step one. Wanting to want to and pushing through with that can lead to wanting to, and before you know it, you’re actually doing whatever it is that you wanted to want to do without as much internal angst about it. He thinks a lot, so having a friend like that has been really helpful in just sorting everything out and getting my feelings out there. We used to talk more.

Keep Calm and Enjoy 2013

7 Jan

I’ve been thinking about my own mortality a lot recently. Not to be dark and gloomy or anything, but I’m a little scared. I’m sitting here, core body temperature nearly high enough to boil water (kind of an exaggeration), and I realize…I have a serious illness that could kill me. I could die. I could be dead soon. These thoughts start repeating over and over in my head in a variety of different grammatical constructs, but I’ll spare you the superfluousness. Now, this is not the first time I’ve realized this or had these thoughts, but after so many tests, procedures, surgeries, and treatments, those thoughts can fade into the background and randomly resurface on nights like these.

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I have been really stressed out and depressed lately, but thinking back…in my short 22 years of life, the vast majority of them were wonderful and amazing. The ones that weren’t so much so (2012, if we’re naming names) had their amazing parts, as well. I’ve had a very blessed life up to this point. Last year, I graduated college and was accepted into medical school. That’s huge! That’s been my dream for as long as I can consciously remember (NOT an exaggeration).

I talked to my mom today, and she reminded me that a lot of people get depressed this time of year. She’s right. She suggested some things that I do, and her suggestions are always very good. I should take them, but will I? I’m not sure. It depends on how motivated I feel towards doing anything at all.

I talked to a friend of mine, and she pointed out that no one knows how long they have. That seems so obvious now, but it’s something I never really thought about, I guess. I mean, unless you have some kind of life shaking event happen to you or someone close to you, most people tend to take it for granted that tomorrow they’ll wake up and jump right into the daily grind. Anything could happen to anyone at any time, I just get slapped in the face with reminders of my own mortality more frequently, that’s all.

Life is really short. I’ve been really angry and upset about what’s going on in my life right now, and I still am, but right now…in this moment…I can actually have some perspective and focus on all the things that have gone right. There are so many more of those that it just doesn’t seem fair to discount any year as a loss, really. Even though 2013 has not gotten off to a good start by any means, I’m still here to experience it, and that’s half the battle, I guess. I’ll see where this crazy life of mine takes me next.