Tag Archives: angry
Quote

Try To Be Alive

17 Apr

“Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.”

Ernest Hemingway
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Rant

14 Apr

GAHHHH!!!!!!! ***EXPLETIVES** WHYYYYYY?!?!

I went to the hospital, and they found another small mass. I’m so tired of this crap, seriously, I can’t handle it!! I just want cancer to leave me and my family alone! I feel SO defeated. I just wanna be better already and forget all this bull ever happened, but like…I don’t even know if I’m even gonna get better at this point, like I don’t even know if that’s the plan anymore. They just keep talking about “stabilization” and stuff, and I just wanna be better, I can’t live like this. I really can’t live like this. /rant

Big Steps

15 Mar

I talked to my mom yesterday, and she asked me if I remembered to call this guy to give him advice about getting into medical school. She asked me to do this a little while back right in the middle of exam week when I was doing regular and make-up exams. I told her that I forgot to call him, because I honestly just forgot. Then she got all mad at me and started saying all these awful things about me. I started crying because I had called her to tell her about the GI bleed and about me being depressed and seeing the psychiatrist. Obviously, I couldn’t do that now, so I just told her I’d talk to her later. That really upset me…a lot. So then today I called her to try again, and I did. I told her about both. She and I talked for about 2 hours, and she said if I were her patient and said all that, she’d put me on Zoloft, so she’s actually taking my complaints seriously this time. She usually gives me the “anyone in your situation” or “it’s the winter/lack of sun” or “medical school stress” speech. She told me she agrees with me going ahead and seeing the psychiatrist. So, that’s definitely a huge step. I’m also home from the hospital now, which is another step, and I plan to participate in Relay for Life tomorrow if I can.

Keep Calm and Enjoy 2013

7 Jan

I’ve been thinking about my own mortality a lot recently. Not to be dark and gloomy or anything, but I’m a little scared. I’m sitting here, core body temperature nearly high enough to boil water (kind of an exaggeration), and I realize…I have a serious illness that could kill me. I could die. I could be dead soon. These thoughts start repeating over and over in my head in a variety of different grammatical constructs, but I’ll spare you the superfluousness. Now, this is not the first time I’ve realized this or had these thoughts, but after so many tests, procedures, surgeries, and treatments, those thoughts can fade into the background and randomly resurface on nights like these.

IMG_5498 IMG_5505

I have been really stressed out and depressed lately, but thinking back…in my short 22 years of life, the vast majority of them were wonderful and amazing. The ones that weren’t so much so (2012, if we’re naming names) had their amazing parts, as well. I’ve had a very blessed life up to this point. Last year, I graduated college and was accepted into medical school. That’s huge! That’s been my dream for as long as I can consciously remember (NOT an exaggeration).

I talked to my mom today, and she reminded me that a lot of people get depressed this time of year. She’s right. She suggested some things that I do, and her suggestions are always very good. I should take them, but will I? I’m not sure. It depends on how motivated I feel towards doing anything at all.

I talked to a friend of mine, and she pointed out that no one knows how long they have. That seems so obvious now, but it’s something I never really thought about, I guess. I mean, unless you have some kind of life shaking event happen to you or someone close to you, most people tend to take it for granted that tomorrow they’ll wake up and jump right into the daily grind. Anything could happen to anyone at any time, I just get slapped in the face with reminders of my own mortality more frequently, that’s all.

Life is really short. I’ve been really angry and upset about what’s going on in my life right now, and I still am, but right now…in this moment…I can actually have some perspective and focus on all the things that have gone right. There are so many more of those that it just doesn’t seem fair to discount any year as a loss, really. Even though 2013 has not gotten off to a good start by any means, I’m still here to experience it, and that’s half the battle, I guess. I’ll see where this crazy life of mine takes me next.