Tag Archives: anxiety

Can’t Sleep

13 Oct

I can’t sleep because I’m anxious, and I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I’m extremely exhausted, so this is just not going to work, no.

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My Everything Hurts

8 Jul

My everything hurts:

  • My head
  • My eyeballs
  • My stomach
  • My skin
  • My back
  • My neck
  • My throat
  • My hands and feet

My mom wants me to try one more treatment option. It’s new. I don’t know if I want to I just feel so done, but I understand where she’s coming from. I guess I’ll ask about it, it couldn’t hurt I guess. I’ll ask about that and get the home health nurse at the same time. It’s not easy being by myself. It’s getting darn near impossible. I guess that’s why my body is just rebelling right now. Too much all by myself, maybe? Maybe I have too much downtime to just sit around and feel sick. At least when school was in I had a distraction. Things I absolutely had to get done before the next day, so I couldn’t sit and dwell on how I felt as much. Now that’s pretty much all I do, and it’s really depressing. Speaking of which, the depression was lifting for a while, and now I’m afraid that it’s coming back. I feel scared and anxious. I feel helpless and hopeless. I don’t know what to do right now. I gave up on counseling, and I haven’t been to see the psychiatrist in a while, either. I do go back to see her this month, which is good because I’m almost out of sleeping pills, which is making me anxious. I can take short naps all day, but I can’t get through the night without them no matter how tired I am. I don’t know if it’s the pain or anxiety that does it to me or a combination of both. My bone marrow is starting to give me problems, it’s because of the treatment. And I’m not making enough EPO, so that’s not making things any better. I’m so done with all of this, really. But I’ll try I guess for my family. I’m trying to find ways to talk to my brother now. Talk more seriously, I mean. We’ll see how that goes. My mom went and called all of my doctors, because I guess she’s upset and just wants to know what’s all going on.

Still Nothing

18 Jun

Still no word about my dad’s PET scan. His appointment is on Thursday. I guess we’ll find out then unless my mom calls tomorrow. I think she wants to know, but doesn’t really want to know because she’s scared. She can’t go to his appointment with him either because she has work, and she knows what questions to ask. My dad usually doesn’t ask many questions, so that’s making her nervous, too. I’m sure she’ll call his doctor after his appointment, though.

Research

2 Jun

I start my research tomorrow. It’s breast cancer research. I’m a little nervous for a few reasons:

  1. I don’t feel very well.
  2. I don’t know what to wear.
  3. I don’t know where the room is exactly.
  4. I don’t completely understand the abstract I read or the proposal I wrote. It’s a little over my head. I don’t remember all the techniques I learned in QBM in undergrad.
  5. I’m worried it’ll be boring.

I’m otherwise glad to have something to do with my time, because I’m bored not doing anything and being in my apartment alone. I miss people. I hope it isn’t boring or too difficult to understand. I mean…I like to think that I’m a reasonably intelligent person. I can figure this stuff out. Plus, the mentors have PhDs. Surely, they can’t expect me to understand things on their level! Right?

Not Now

31 May

My depression medicines are working, and I feel mostly normal again, but I ran out, and I still feel a little too anxious to call the psychiatrist. I also wanna cancel the appointment with the super expensive weird counselor, but I feel too anxious for that, too. I’m just gonna do it, but like…not now lol.

Therapy Woes

18 May

So…I went to see this therapist last week that my psychiatrist recommended I see. I didn’t like it. The building was purple, the walls were pink, the carpet was green, and there were hummingbird things everywhere. It was a bit disorienting. I felt spaced out because of the meds, but she said stuff like “tell me about you, tell me about your childhood” like in the movies and she told me to let the little girl inside of me cry…uh…what? She said I have OCD because I wasn’t allowed to express my emotions as a child…I cried plenty as a child, and I told her this. I don’t have OCD, I’m depressed/anxious because I’m sick and lonely! I feel like she was just making stuff up as she went along. She even told me to come back into the room like she felt I wasn’t there in the room with her…what? I just didn’t like the whole thing, plus she’s super expensive, and I felt sketched out the whole time. I’m not gonna go back, plus I think the meds are working now. I don’t think I need a counselor.

Nervous

27 Apr

It’s hard to breathe in general recently…even with the littlest bit of exertion. I feel super weak all the time, even writing can be tiring sometimes. I’m scared. I went to a school function last night, so today I’m extra wiped. I just felt nervous all day for some strange reason. Like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Abilified Freakout

20 Apr

So…I know how I wrote before about Abilify not being covered by my insurance, and that I was going to make a few phone calls to see what I could do. Well I forgot to update that my psychiatrist called and said to come in to get more samples in the meantime, so I did. So I only went without it for about 2 days. I also have an appointment today, because apparently she doesn’t work Friday, but she does work Saturday mornings, and we’re going to discuss what to do about it not being covered and see if I could be possibly switched to something else while the Zoloft is still taking effect.

Good News!!

19 Apr

Ok, today seemed like a complete failure at first. I talked to my friend at school. I was getting there and it wasn’t raining. As soon as I stepped outside, BAM rained all over me. Poured rain. I was soaked and cold. They keep it freezing in that building, too. But when I got inside, my dad texted me that he just wanted to tell me he loves me <3.

Anyways, she gave me the advice of picking a scripture a week to go by that applies and really speaks to me that week. This week, I’ll go with that declaration I posted. Next week, I’ll go with a scripture. She also told me to pick one goal for each week and just focus on that one thing. This week, I’m going to try not to be irritable with my friends. I’ve been doing that, and I don’t want to. That’s not me. So, I’m going to consciously make an effort not to do that. We talked for about an hour and a half. She has anxiety, too, and was telling me how she copes with everything, that I’m not alone, and that more people deal with these kinds of things than I know. She said she was glad I talked to her and to talk to her anytime. That helped a lot. Plus I got the grade back for my exam that I took yesterday. I passed! I got a 74!! Not too shabby.

Also, my dad gave me good news! I talked to my daddy just now, and he said that his doctor said it looks like everything is gone!! Woohoo!!!! He had an MRI and it showed that he was all clear, and in 6 weeks, he’ll get a PET scan. YAY!!!!! Best news I’ve heard in a very long time. Maybe ever. Yeah…ever.

So in conclusion, today is not a failure. I may still be crying today. I may still feel lonely. I may still be in physical pain. But today is also good.

Bad News

14 Apr

Ugh more bad news, but whatever. C’est la vie, I guess… *as I secretly have an internal meltdown*

Literally nothing I can do about it. *except cry all day*