Tag Archives: blood

Someone Wrote This About Me

25 Aug

I know a 23 year old girl who has been declared disabled. She has had several types of cancer. She is weak and always sick. She coughs up blood. She is thin and can not eat solid foods. She visits the ER at least every 3 days to get blood and fluids and meds and nutrition to keep her alive. She has every right to give up on life. She is in pain all the time. She has been like this for over a year now. The doctors told her she has a less than 10% chance of surviving what she has.…

Do you know what she did last week? She started her next year in medical school. After her first day of school, she ended up in the ER to get blood. She then went home and started reading a required text that will likely take her most of the year to read. After the third day of school, she had to call an ambulance to go to the ER. She was coughing up blood and choking on it. She had procedures and then went back home late that night. She managed to get to school the next day. She still drives herself. She wants to be a doctor, and she is not giving up on that dream. She thinks everyday that this may be her last day. She is scared. She is in great pain. But, she is not giving up. 

It’s strange to think that I inspire people. It’s a weird feeling because I don’t know that I’m doing it. All I try to do is get through each day. When people tell me that they feel inspired by me or that I’m so strong, I usually end up feeling awkward. But somehow, this struck me. It showed me how by doing what I do, it can actually mean something. That motivates me to keep going even when it seems impossible. Thank you for believing in me. I will try not to let you down.

Blood and Shingles

23 Aug

Last night I wasn’t feeling very well, so I went to sleep a little early. I woke up in the middle of the night and felt really wet. When I looked at my pillow, it looked really dark, so I turned on the light and started choking. There was bright red blood all over my pillow and I was choking on blood. It was coming from my throat and coming out of my mouth. I went to the bathroom and kind of just let it drip into the sink while I called 911. I was scared…again. Things like this keep happening. I’m wondering if that’s a really bad sign or what. So I went to the hospital, and they did a bronchoscopy. They told me that there was a ruptured vessel in my lung, and that they gave me tranexamic acid, as well as did an embolization and used a laser during the bronchoscopy. I’m not choking up blood anymore, so that’s good.

Last night, I also discovered a very painful rash on my trunk area, and I didn’t know what it was. They noticed it as well, and I was started on an antiviral medication and some medications to treat the pain, as they believe that it’s shingles. I was really hoping that it wasn’t shingles. 😦 The medication that I’m on for the purpura rash should help the shingles to not be as bad, though. I hope that’s true!

Father’s Day

16 Jun

I don’t feel very well today. I have a fever that keeps getting higher, and it feels all liquidy in my chest, and when I cough, there’s blood in it. I don’t know exactly what’s wrong, but it could be from having the fiducials placed. I called my doctor, and he said the safest thing would be to go to the hospital, but I really don’t want to go. I feel like I’m ALWAYS there. So, I took a Tylenol and I’m waiting it out for a little bit to see if it gets any better. If it doesn’t, then I’ll go in. I’ve been in bed all day, so hopefully that helps. If that wasn’t enough, I’m backed up like nobody’s business! I think it’s the pain meds, but I haven’t gone in a week and a half even though I’ve taken Senekot-S, Miralax, and Colace. No dice. Enough about my bowels, it’s Father’s Day! I didn’t realize it was Father’s Day weekend until Friday night. I talked to my dad and my grandpa, and I think my dad talked me into watching game 5 tonight.

Hospital Time

21 Apr

So I called my doctor’s answering service, and told them how I was feeling last night, and my doctor called me back and told me to go to the ER. I went to the ER, and I was taken back pretty quickly. They took some more blood even though they drew some blood already that morning. They did a sputum sample, a chest x-ray, and a CT scan. They eventually told me that I had a mild case of pneumonia, and put me on some antibiotics and fluids. They also put me on some medicine to bring down the fever as well as some painkillers. Hopefully since it’s mild, I’ll get to leave soon. I just feel so blah, and I know I have this exam coming up. This was just very inconvenient timing. That’s all though, I’m doing okay.

Sick Today

20 Apr

I’m feeling really sick today. I’m cold to the bone, I can’t stop shaking, and I’m really dizzy. I feel very weak and nauseous, my whole body hurts, I’m running a fever, and I feel like if I stand up, I just may faint. I had blood drawn today, but they still haven’t called me about it. I’ve been so tired, too. I can’t get anything done today, but I was able to take a good nap, and I needed that. I also had some tea to warm up, but I still feel so so cold, and that’s with 5 sweaters, 3 pairs of socks, fuzzy pants and tights, and a space heater on. GAH I just wanna feel better, I have a miniboard exam to study for. When I get out of school next month, I will have been in school for 11 months straight. That’s why I’m so burnt out on studying.

Hopeless

12 Mar

Aaaaand…late last night I started vomiting blood. I wasn’t sure at the time if I was vomiting blood or coughing up blood, it was a little hard to tell, but I eventually went to the ER and found out I had a GI bleed, so…yeah…that happened. Ugh. So, I did get that problem fixed obviously, but I’m just feeling all sorts of hopeless right now.

All Buttered Up

22 Feb

I was in an oddly cheery sunshine-y mood yesterday, so I couldn’t help but to think…WHAT HORROR IS ABOUT TO BEFALL ME?! Until I remembered…that was my usual mood before everything got all jacked up…if my memory serves me correctly…which it no longer does… -__-

Well…today I realized that I was not totally wrong in thinking that I was just being buttered up for something. Today SUCKED! I mean my blood counts are coming up (that’s what the random bruises were from…low counts), and the fever is coming down slowly, but that was from the help of Neulasta…so that means bone and muscle pain and feeling just pretty much awful! Buuuut it also means I don’t have chemo tomorrow, so ha! I always feel kind of excited about not having chemo…but then I also feel nervous, too. Like in the meantime I’m just letting the cancer spread or something. But in the amount of time that I’m off of it…I don’t think that’s really an issue, it’s just me being kinda paranoid about it, I guess. I was also still really nauseated today. That sucks because the nausea seemed like it was starting to go away and then BAM! It was back…rude. *Le sigh*

Why I Love the Body

22 Feb

The human body is legitimately disgusting, but…I feel like that’s the “cool” thing about it, though. Cool, I guess, in the way that elementary school boys like slime and dirt and stuff. I like the way the body compensates for things that can go awry, or the way it defends itself against attacks from invading pathogens. It’s pretty much like an epic “300” style battle scene all the time in there that we never really see or pay attention to until we get sick. That’s when most people really start to appreciate all the work the body does behind the scenes. Kinda like when I have low blood counts and then notice how many infections I used to fight off without realizing it. Stuff like that. Plus, bacteria are tricky little devils that are always trying to 1-up us! So rude!!

Had Surgery Wednesday…

15 Feb

Same day as my surgery…that same afternoon, my mom ripped me a new one. Yep same day. Not just yelled at…my mom decided it was a good idea to tell me all the reasons she thinks I don’t have many friends here. All the reasons why people wouldn’t like me. A laundry list of things that suck about me. Then she compared me to my brother and talked about how he has no trouble making friends and I should be more like him. Then she complained about my grades (um duh! I’m distracted, of course I’m getting C’s, but at least I’m passing), and she said that I couldn’t be a doctor if I was depressed and being on depression medication will slow me down in trying to get into residency programs (which wouldn’t happen for another 3 years from now), but she just really felt like saying some more hurtful stuff. And of course I was in pain and feeling super sensitive about everything, so I really couldn’t do anything but cry while she said all this stuff, and then she said I was too sensitive and the way I deal with frustration is by crying, and that’s probably really off-putting to people. I love my mom and all, but I kinda forgot how mean she could be sometimes. I already knew she didn’t sugar coat anything, but she says some stuff that’s really unnecessary to say, too. I’m sure she said it all out of frustration and stress and everything, but I personally don’t think that’s any excuse.

I feel like all the energy and patience that I had…or sometimes just pretended to have while I was out…has been zapped. How tired can you possibly get? Not just physically, but emotionally. If I get hungry/thirsty/have to go to the bathroom…I don’t even have the energy to drag myself out of the bed to do anything about it. I don’t even want to. I don’t even have the energy to turn on the television or pick up a book. I just kind of have been staring at stuff and dozing off when I’m not on here. This is why my grades are suffering. I don’t really study much, and uh…duh! You can’t pass medical school that way! It’s just that everything seems like so much of an effort. Not sure if that’s fatigue, depression, or both. But being sleepy all the time beats steroid-induced insomnia any day!

They’re telling me we have to do a research project this summer. This is my last summer off that I ever get…ever! I don’t wanna do anything!!! I’m so tired. I just wanna stare at the back of my eyelids. But…since they’re making me do stuff >_< I applied to the in-house research program. Nothing out of state, that’d be pretty much impossible…or just super complicated trying to coordinate treatments and doctor appointments and such somewhere else. It’s just supposed to be some sort of hands-on project that I fiddle around with some stuff, present a poster, write a paper, maybe defend a thesis. Something like that. Nothing major. I just don’t feeeeeel like it! *whiny child voice* The goal is just “Do you know how to do research? Do you know the process? Do you know some lab techniques? Do you know the lingo?” Stuff like that. That’s if I get accepted, of course. If I don’t…that’s the only program I applied to, and I’m SOL…but I could possibly just go shadow people at home that my mom has connections with for the summer and such. If anything, I’d have a pretty durned good excuse as to why I didn’t do research this summer if it comes to that.

Reminds me…I got blood on a school paper once. Didn’t realize it until I got it back. The professor didn’t really know what it was. Hopefully they didn’t do anything weird like lick my paper or anything. That’s not their M.O. anyways.

Had some complications during the surgery. My BP dropped like crazy and it still hasn’t come all the way up yet. My O2 sats also dropped while I was on the oxygen, so that’s not cool either. I slept through the whole thing…like a baby. When I woke up my dad was kinda just staring at me. I was shaking cuz I was freezing!! You know…usual hospital style. Plus I was basically naked under the gown and 5 blankets and stuff…but still naked lol. I always get super cold when I’m sleepy anyways. So the surgeon came in and said stuff that sounded kinda like the adults always sound in Charlie Brown. I just needed a few minutes, they were expecting too much. But yeah, apparently my stomach and colon are all inflamed and they suspect my pancreas is, too. So it apparently wasn’t just my gallbladder. They did get the gallbladder and it’s uninvited passenger out, though. I don’t know what that means for later, but she prescribed some more meds (Oh, joy!), and we’ll see how I feel from there. As of right now…just pain. That means pain meds. That means this post was all over the place, like really?

Excellent.

5 Jan

Aaaaand now I’m getting a respiratory tract infection. Excellent.

They said that one of my medications could cause myelosuppression (bone marrow sucking at it’s job of producing blood cells), and I thought, yeah yeah yeah long list of side effects, blah blah blah…but now I have one of the lamest immune systems I’ve ever had, and I have little purple spots. I’m getting Neupogen, blood products, procrit, antibiotics, etc. Sooooo frustrated…and I’m kind of scared, but mostly just because I’m feeling so alone right now. My dad had a PET scan yesterday. Didn’t get to talk to him to see how that went.

It’s hard to think of anything else at the moment…the nurses or whoever come in every 30 minutes to do or check one thing or another, and then things are beeping and whirring, and the pump will go all crazy when it empties, but I’m trying to “go to my happy place.” I’m feeling a full blown depression coming on…I mean…my hormones and blood levels of pretty much everything are all out of whack, so it could be that. I also no longer live close to any of my friends. Not a single one. So there’s that. You know…in addition to the whole cancer thing. I don’t know…I’m just being all whiny and complaining about everything, but right now I just feel like I need to.

I talked to some people about how I’ve been feeling…emotionally…and I think it just made me feel worse. And they’re supposed to be professionals. 😥  Everything is making me cry. Like…I’ll drop the spoon for my applesauce and burst into tears. Ahh get it together! I do like that I have this outlet to vent. It’s nice, and I like that I don’t always have to pretend to be all “brave” and “strong” and stuff like people keep telling me to be. I can just…say how I feel. Honestly, all those things that people think are encouraging, are really just…annoying. Sorry! I’m trying to have happy moments and live inside of them completely while they last, I just haven’t really had any these past few days.