Tag Archives: chemotherapy

My Date

3 Sep

My date didn’t go as planned. It was raining, so we couldn’t go to the zoo. I suggested the aquarium, but then he said he couldn’t stay very long. I also was not feeling very well, so we just relaxed and had some tea. I didn’t get to know too much more about him, and it feels like it didn’t last long enough. It may have felt that way regardless of how long it was, though. Overall, I think it was a success, though. I say this because he wants to try for either the zoo or aquarium again next Sunday. So that’s gotta be good news, right? It didn’t come up about the cancer, so I didn’t tell him, but it came up when I saw him at school today, so I told him. He didn’t seem like he wanted to run away, so that was good. He just told me that everything is going to be okay. I wish I could believe that, but I’ll let him believe that.

 I also met this other guy, and he came over the other day. I really like him. His mom is a breast cancer survivor, and me being sick doesn’t scare him away. That’s what I’m always most worried about. Time will tell whether that’s the case or not, but I’d like to think that it’s going to work out. He said he would like to come to chemo with me and my doctor’s appointments if I would let him. He’s really sweet and has been texting me really nice things.

My parents and my little brother visited this past weekend. I enjoyed their company. It was good to have them around. Especially my little brother. I didn’t think he was going to come, but I’m so glad that he did. We’re pretty much best friends.

It’s Decided

25 Aug

After talking with my hospice home health nurse, it’s decided that I’m going to get TPN, hydration, and IV antibiotics from my apartment when she visits in addition to the blood draws, physical therapy, and personal care help. I’ll also get remote monitoring of vital signs since I’m a “high hospitalization risk” patient or ‘client’…whatever they want to call me. Then, I’m also going to get a volunteer that comes out to help me with other things around the apartment and takes me to chemo and stuff. That will be much needed. It’s still a little embarrassing to me personally…just needing all of this extra help, but if it helps me get through this without having to move back home, so be it.

Chemotherapy Today

18 Aug

 So, I had chemo today. It was kind of not a good experience, because I was already throwing up and feeling so weak last night that I couldn’t really make it to the bathroom. My aide came in the morning to help out and she took me to chemo, where I got lots of fluids. I keep getting so dehydrated. I don’t mean to let that happen, I just can’t keep anything down. I got a new medicine that should help me be able to eat, it came in the mail the other day, so hopefully that help with the dehydration, too.

I feel really weird that the nurses have to put on all this gear just to administer this medicine, and it’s going straight into my veins. Like, that can’t be safe, right? I don’t know how much hope I have that this trial is going to work. Certainly not as much as some of the people around me, but they have to have hope for me. It’s all they can do. And this is the last thing we’re trying, so everyone is kind of placing their eggs in one basket if you know what I mean.

I just want a chance to feel normal, and this trial can take up to a year. A year of this is certainly not going to be normal. Not even close. Maybe I’ll get used to it, and maybe the side effects will stop being so bad, but I have a feeling that as the toxicity builds up, it’ll be the other way around. I really want to be able to finish school, and I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I’m already feeling like I can’t do it. I’m already doubting myself. I’m also starting to feel like maybe I won’t make it to graduation, so maybe all of this is pointless. Maybe I’m just overthinking things, but I really don’t have anyone to talk to about these things. Not in person at least. I don’t have a lot of support here where I am, so it feels like I’m doing this by myself sometimes. That’s a really lonely feeling. I’m trying to push through, but there’s only so much I can do, and I don’t exactly know when it’s time to stop, but I don’t know if I will. How do you know something like that? I do want to stop. Kind of. I also don’t.I have been thinking about dying a lot. I’m scared that it will hurt. I’m scared that I’ll miss things. Important things. My brother just turned 18. He wants to go into the Marines, and then he wants to become a police officer. I wonder how much of that I’ll get to be a part of. It’s hard with this uncertainty always hanging over my head. I try to stay in the present, but how can I? I’ve been planning for my future my whole life, and now it might be taken away. That hurts. I’ve wanted to be a doctor for so long, but the process just takes so incredibly long, that I may not see the end of it. People keep suggesting alternative treatments and diets to me, or eating soursop and all of that, but I can’t even eat, I can’t change my diet much, because I can’t even figure out what stays down in the first place! My classmates are going out to eat, having parties, and doing all of this fun stuff, and I’m unable to participate in the majority of it. It just doesn’t seem fair. I know that life isn’t fair, but…you can’t help wanting it to be.

I should really get back to studying now. I have to study for microbiology, pharmacology, pathology, and I don’t think I have much to do for fundamentals of medicine, but I do want to see if I can get to reading some more of Robbins. It’s hard to do today. It’s hard to concentrate, because I’m just so tired, and I feel so sick to my stomach. I found out one of my friends from when I was younger got married and had a baby. She has two kids now. A lot of my friends are getting engaged, married, and having kids. I’m just sitting here having cancer. A lot of my classmates are getting engaged, too. I’m happy for them, but every time one of them gets engaged, it just reminds me of how lonely I am. I know I’m rambling, and the flow of this entry makes little sense, but that’s what I need right now. Just to vent in whatever way I want. Like I said before, I’m not a write. This isn’t article quality. Just some random thoughts of a sick student. I keep wishing life were different. I keep thinking how different they’d be if I were healthy right now. How good my grades would be, and how much easier it would be to make friends. Maybe I would even be asked on a date. Who knows. I can’t keep living in “what ifs.” It only makes things worse.

Cycle 1 Begins

11 Aug

The day started with me feeling poorly, but I was pretty determined to make it through this day! I got a ride to the infusion center and got some blood work done. I got my port accessed and flushed, and I got some Tylenol and Ativan. When the blood work showed that my counts were okay, I started getting an IV anti-nausea medication and some fluids. At this point, I got a test dose of the Gemcitabine, and when I didn’t have an adverse reaction to it, I got the Gemcitabine infusion, which only lasts 30 minutes. I guess I shouldn’t have stayed up so late last night, because I was half asleep throughout this whole process. It was over relatively quickly, and I’m supposed to take the Sunitinib this evening. We will see how I feel then.

So Here’s What I Did…

10 Aug

I hightailed it over to ATL where the trial is so that I can stop sitting around here feeling sorry for myself. Moping is against medical advice. I can actually DO something about my health now. I know I’m technically not really exactly supposed to be driving, but what’s the worst that can happen, right? I made it here safely. Plus, school starts Monday, and I HAD to be here for that. I hate missing school, and it gives me something to think about instead of sitting around having a pity party. My parents didn’t know I left until I got here. They were PISSED, OMG! But since I made it safely and I’m 8 hours away, there’s not much they can really do about it now besides yell at me over the phone. I can handle that. They’ll get over it…I hope. So now…I start the clinical trial tomorrow, and this is the best way it’ll match up with my school schedule, so I shouldn’t have to miss much school. I’ll be on Sunitinib (Sutent™) and Gemcitabine (Gemzar™) together…we’ll see how this goes.

Again

27 Jul

Hi I’m again in the hospital since last night because seizures, nosebleed, and vomiting. I did not want to go, but my mom and brother insisted and took me. On the way they keep arguing about everything and that hurts my head. They always argue because they both like to be right. Since the hospital, I get there and get a CT scan with and without contrast to see the brain tumor. That is causing the ataxia, vomiting, and headaches. It grew a little but not much. I cannot do SRS on it so that I qualify for the clinical trial. God, it better work. It starts Aug 11 for me. My 1st cycle. Pray it goes well, please? Here at the hospital, they’ve been able more to control the seizures so I have different seizure medicine combination to go home with. I’m just very scared and I wonder how many times I can go home. I am being super candid right now: I do not want to die in a hospital. Please no. I mean if I do die, you know? There is a rush to fix everything but maybe the last time I know they cannot fix it how I like so I leave it broken and go to sleep. Just a thought. That thought is over now. The trial is back at school, so I will be back there again, but my daddy will visit often. I love him.

Clinical Trial

9 Jul

I talked to my onc today. Good news, I’ve been discharged! I’m also getting a home health aid through Hospice. My onc is working on a clinical trial that applies to me and that I qualify for…and it’s enrolling now, and I decided to go ahead and let him enroll me in it. My mom would really appreciate it. It’s in phase II. They’re trying Sunitinib in combination with Gemcitabine, which means I’ll be back to getting chemo through an IV and not just oral chemo, though Sunitinib is an oral one. I’m not quite sure how I feel about this, but I figure I have nothing to lose, right? Well, nothing but potentially quality of life. But quality schmality (sarcasm). It’s good, because there’s usually something that excludes me from clinical trials, but this one seems to be a little broader, so I qualify for this one. The trial is at the hospital that’s a little further, but it’s only a 10 to 15 minute drive away as opposed to the one I usually go to, which is 4 blocks away. It’ll be worth it, though. At least there’s something new to be hopeful about.

Aside

I just lost another toenail, and today I

27 Jun

I just lost another toenail, and today I discovered I have osteoporosis. What am I, an old lady?

Science Has Started!

5 Jun

Today I actually did some science research stuff! I was using the micropipettes just like I thought I would be, and I put proteins in with breast cancer cells, and tomorrow I will check them to see if they grow, die, or don’t do anything. Then I’ll check some more of them on Friday. Once that’s done, I’ll add some chemotherapy drugs to them and see if it works better at killing the cells with the proteins or without the proteins. They had me look up some articles and read them before next time, and I had to complete my lab journal entry. They were very patient with me and started from the beginning, so they didn’t expect me to know much. That was my worry. My hands shake, and he mentioned that, but I didn’t mess anything up because of it. I’m handling some pretty expensive cells and chemicals, so that’s one of my biggest worries.

In other news, I ate breakfast AND dinner today. I also took a nap. My stomach is a little upset with me, and the chest pain is a little worse, but that was my day today.

Rambles

30 Apr

My tire blew today right before my doctor’s appointments…all my tires were pretty much bald unbeknownst to me. Ugh. My oil needed changing a few thousand miles ago. My car is fixed (easy)…I have AAA, but my body is not. I wish I had AAA roadside assistance for that. Hey, I blew a kidney…Ok be there in 45 minutes, they show up in an hour, here’s your new kidney! And they don’t ask you for money cuz you’re a member. But…life has to go and be hard, so that doesn’t exist. Plus now, I’m on a higher dose of depression meds and an additional depression medication, and I’m still depressed. Go frickin figure. My oral chemo dose went up cuz the ish is just spreading like wildfire, and it really feels like there’s nothing I can do about it. So what did I do? I cried in the mall while I got all my tires changed and my oil changed. Good plan, go me. Now people think I’m crazy. Heck, I feel crazy. Once again, I’m not supposed to be alone tonight. I missed school today. That lecture looked like a beast, too. Ramble complete for now.