Tag Archives: counselor

I Left.

12 Jul

Last night I went to the ER because I was in so much pain, I was vomiting blood, and I had a ridiculously high fever of 104. They were able to stop the bleeding, reduce the pain, and bring the fever down to 102, but the wanted to admit me. They put me on broad spectrum antibiotics until they figure out exactly what type of infection we’re dealing with here. But you know what I did?¬†I left. I just…walked out. Enough of this crap. I wanted to go home. My friend, Kristi, is coming to visit me today and I wanted it to be a visit at my apartment, so I left. I’ll just take a bunch of Tylenol and hope my fever goes away, I guess, I mean what can you do? And I went to the pharmacy, I have antibiotics that were prescribed, I’ll take those. I want to be in my own bed, puh-lease! For at least a week, damn! Is that too much to ask? Seriously? It’s my birthday this weekend, can’t it please just be good, please?

I really thought I was a goner last night. I panicked. I get annoyed when people try to sell me on bull. I know miracles happen, I’ve been praying for one. But I also know that God created doctors and scientists who come up with medicines, and He made science, and these people are pretty smart. They may not always be right, but they’re right a lot. I hope for the best, but I also prepare for the worst so as not to be caught off guard. Few people will let me talk about it. They keep telling me I’ll be fine, but you know what? I’m not fine. I have a legitimate fear that I will die from this, and I feel like people are invalidating my feelings. Everyone acts like no that could never happen, not to me. I don’t want to die, but maybe I will, maybe I won’t. Hopefully I won’t, but there are two outcomes. I guess this is why I need a counselor. People say that we’re all going to die, and that I’ll die eventually, but I sure wasn’t planning to come this close in my 20s. There’s blood all over my bed. Last night was bad. I wish I knew what God’s bigger plan for me was. Everything is so uncertain right now. I don’t like this constant uncertainty.

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Making Progress

4 Jun

Hello! I went to my research orientation part II today and learned about bioinformatics, research papers, research grants, and poster presentations. It was kind of long and boring, but tomorrow I start the good stuff!

So the counselor called me today asking why I didn’t want to continue with her. It was awkward. Then I went to the psychiatrist and she basically asked me the same thing. They both were trying to convince me to still see her, but I definitely don’t want to. I don’t know what to say to them to convince them that I don’t want to see a counselor. I got my meds refilled, too, so that’s good. I also talked to my oncologist and got another anti-nausea med added to what I’m already taking. I’ll have to take meds more often than I already do, but I guess it’ll be worth it.

Not Now

31 May

My depression medicines are working, and I feel mostly normal again, but I ran out, and I still feel a little too anxious to call the psychiatrist. I also wanna cancel the appointment with the super expensive weird counselor, but I feel too anxious for that, too. I’m just gonna do it, but like…not now lol.

Steroid Girl: My Life as an Insomniac

7 Apr

Part II

I went to the psychiatrist last Tuesday, and she said that I have major depression after looking at the survey I filled out. We didn’t do too much talking, but I wrote everything down on one of the forms while I was in the waiting room, and she read it. So she gave me Abilify because it works in a matter of 3 or 4 days instead of 4-6 weeks like the other SSRIs that they normally use. She also gave me a vitamin that’s supposed to make the Abilify more effective and she prescribed Ambien instead of the Ambien CR that I’d taken before. She said I’d feel less drugged the next day. The Ambien does make me sleepy, and I yawn a lot, but I still feel a little drugged and sleepy the next day, and I still haven’t been able to sleep through the night with it. She said to come see her this coming Thursday and to see my counselor 2x a week instead of once a week. They decided that I shouldn’t sleep by myself, so tonight will be my first night back in my apartment after staying with friends and my brother’s godmother and such. The psychiatrist is friends with my counselor, and she went to med school where I go now. Oh yeah, and not only did she have a couch (which I sat on), she also had a recliner and a big arm chair. She had a book called “All Cats Have Asperger’s” and a box of tissues that looks like the tissues are coming out of a man’s nose. The psychiatrist wanted the counselor to call her during our appointment so that they could talk about how depressed I’ve been, and now I have to call the counselor like twice a day =/. Also, my stomach has been hurting a lot, but I guess that’s kinda normal at this point. Just rolling with that one. The whole counseling thing is becoming as much of a burden as the depression/anxiety, though, and I’m not even sure if it’s working.

A Little Bit Random

18 Mar

I’ve been feeling really depressed and anxious today, but luckily, my counselor took it upon herself to email me constantly today. I think I needed that.

My dad is currently away at a funeral right now. My cousin died from colon cancer. I kind of had a feeling this was coming, I guess, but you never expect it to be so soon, I guess. And then on top of that, things like this just kind of tend to remind you of your own mortality. Like…we’re not going to live forever, but I don’t know how “done” we’re supposed to feel when we’re actually finished here.

There was a guy who shot and killed himself back at my college last night. I was just there! He was planning a school shooting, but decided against it and shot only himself. I have friends that live in that building! They think he changed his mind because his roommate ran in the bathroom and called the cops after he aimed at them. What is happening in this world?!?!

Also, I don’t remember if I mentioned this or not, but my dad is done with treatment now. He’s done with radiation, and he’s not doing his last round of chemotherapy. He didn’t want it, so…yeah. He’s done.

Major Rambling Alert

5 Feb
Having another down day today. I talked to the counselor here, and…I’m pretty sure I felt worse afterwards. It wasn’t anything she said, but I just kind of thought she would help more or…it just made me think of all the things I’m depressed about at once, I guess. All I know is that after the appointment, I couldn’t stop crying…and I didn’t expect for it to be like that.
I tried reaching out to a classmate of mine, but he said that since he has to wake up early tomorrow he can’t talk…and it was like…6 PM. I mean, I’m sure he’s busy or whatever, but I don’t think that was the problem. I think he was just…uncomfortable maybe? I don’t know. I just…he said I could call him whenever I need to talk, so I did…and yeah, I guess I can’t actually call him whenever. So……..that made me feel even worse, and then I fell asleep for a little.
I’ve been so tired recently. I pretty much slept all day, and still could hardly force myself to wake up for the appointment today. I usually have trouble sleeping, but now it’s harder to stay awake. I’ve had a lot of pain today, too. And uh…had a bit of an “accident” which was super¬†embarrassing. I have some nerve damage from the bowel resection surgery I got, and so…yeah, that happens sometimes.
I can’t eat any food right now, so it’s all IV nutrition. I’m ok with this, because eating is just complicated now, but I’m sure this won’t help with the weight issue…but I guess that’s the least of my worries today. But…I am kind of craving a “cutie” now…you know those little oranges that are super easy to peel and they’re small and adorable?
Yeah, that.