Tag Archives: dating

Stupid Cancer!

28 Aug

The other day I passed out in the shower and got a concussion. That’s just what I needed in addition to the shingles and bleeding and…well…cancer. A concussion. It’s like the little cherry on top! It’s actually more like a ‘kick me when I’m down’ kind of moment. But I like the cherry on top idea better. It works, too, because I don’t like those little red cherries. Anyways, I’m back at school, so it’s ok, I’m ok. I just have a massive headache and it’s kinda hard to concentrate, but we’re learning about cancer in class right now, so it’s not like that’s something I have no idea about. Ugh. I’m like the class ‘resident cancer expert’ so everyone is asking me for help with the carcinogenesis and neoplasms chapters. At least this cancer is useful for something.

I’m not producing enough of my own red blood cells, so I’m getting pretty anemic. It’s a problem with both myelosuppression and lack of EPO because of decreased kidney function. That’s most likely why I passed out. I threw up basically all day yesterday, so I didn’t even try to eat or even use the PEG tube. Or as Randi so affectionately called hers, “Peggy.” I am having a cup of tea right now, but I can tell that it’s not going to stay down. I’m already getting those waves of heat all over with the chills and cold sweats that I usually get when I’m going to throw up. My apartment is kind of a mess. I haven’t been putting my clothes away when I take them off..just haven’t really had the energy to do it, so there are clothes scattered about, and my parents are going to come visit me and my mom will NOT appreciate the condition my apartment is in. She’s the kind of person that before she comes over, I need to vacuum, dust, polish, and scrub everything or she’ll have to make some kind of comment. But then she usually winds up cleaning it. My clean and her clean are two completely different things. I don’t think I could ever clean up to her standards. I don’t know what she sees when she looks at things. But I don’t have the energy for all of that. I’ll just pick up my clothes and call it a day, and she’ll complain, and I’ll be like, ‘I was too tired’ and she’ll understand and clean for me. >_<

There’s this guy at school that likes me. He’s a first year, but he’s a year older than me. He wants to take me to dinner sometime. I haven’t told him that eating isn’t really a thing that’s high on my list, but…I suggested something else like the aquarium. I have a year pass, so i might as well use it as many times as I can before the year ends. Or maybe the art museum would be cool. I don’t know what he’s into, but I think he’d like just going anywhere with me. He’s lived in this city for years now, and I’ve lived here for a year. I haven’t gotten out much to explore the city, so he wants to take me to a few places to see some random things around here. Sounds cool to me. Oh, and he’s from Sudan and he has family there and in Egypt. It’s pretty cool. He also speaks 3 languages: Arabic, English, and some nubian language that I forgot the name of. English was his 3rd language, he learned it when he was about 12. It just feels nice to have some human connection and interaction like that in person again. I miss that. 🙂 He doesn’t know about all the health stuff and I don’t really wanna tell him and run him off, but it was kinda obvious I guess, and he didn’t seem to mind, but he doesn’t know any details or anything. Gah! Stupid cancer.

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I Missed This

28 Feb

So I talked on the phone to a friend last night that I thought was blowing me off. One day this past week he said he’d call and never did. Then I texted him and he never replied. I kinda was hurt, but apparently that first night he fell asleep (happens all the time to people, nothing to be mad about, I guess). Then he got a new phone or something because his last phone went all wacky on him, and lost my number, so he was just waiting for me to call him.

So I found this out when I called him thinking that he wouldn’t answer because he was ignoring me or something. He answered and we had a really good conversation, and it made me feel better about a lot of things. Then, he told me that once he finishes school, he’s getting married to the girl he’s dating now. I had no idea how to take this, because they’ve only been dating for like 4 1/2 months now. He said they both really connected and they talked about it a lot, and she was ready, and he’s giving that time frame of until he finishes school before he even proposes and stuff, so that’s when they’re getting engaged, not married, but like…I don’t know that just seems really fast. I didn’t wanna say that and sound disapproving or judgmental or anything, so I just said…congratulations, because I wasn’t sure how to reply. Then his response wasn’t thank you, it sounded more like he was defending his decision. I don’t know if it was because I paused or if it was my tone of voice, but he felt the need to defend himself after I congratulated him. Anyways, that was weird. When he started dating her, we started talking less…completely understandable. But then, it got to the point where we almost didn’t talk at all, and then when we did…all he would really talk about is her. That’s probably where these mixed feelings I’m having are coming from.

But he’s one of the few people that really asks and cares how I feel like…emotionally. Like really really cares and takes the time to listen to every silly little thought (rational and irrational) that I have. And then, he doesn’t just tell me what he thinks I should do about them (unless he knows some really good thing to try that I haven’t already thought of…rare occurrence). He just tells me he’s there and he cares, and he agrees about how much things suck.

The thing he told me this time was something about how I may not want to get up and study everyday or do whatever it is that I have to do that day, but I want to want to get up and study, and that’s something. That’s better than nothing, and that’s step one. Wanting to want to and pushing through with that can lead to wanting to, and before you know it, you’re actually doing whatever it is that you wanted to want to do without as much internal angst about it. He thinks a lot, so having a friend like that has been really helpful in just sorting everything out and getting my feelings out there. We used to talk more.