Tag Archives: dead
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Try To Be Alive

17 Apr

“Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.”

Ernest Hemingway

Keep Calm and Enjoy 2013

7 Jan

I’ve been thinking about my own mortality a lot recently. Not to be dark and gloomy or anything, but I’m a little scared. I’m sitting here, core body temperature nearly high enough to boil water (kind of an exaggeration), and I realize…I have a serious illness that could kill me. I could die. I could be dead soon. These thoughts start repeating over and over in my head in a variety of different grammatical constructs, but I’ll spare you the superfluousness. Now, this is not the first time I’ve realized this or had these thoughts, but after so many tests, procedures, surgeries, and treatments, those thoughts can fade into the background and randomly resurface on nights like these.

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I have been really stressed out and depressed lately, but thinking back…in my short 22 years of life, the vast majority of them were wonderful and amazing. The ones that weren’t so much so (2012, if we’re naming names) had their amazing parts, as well. I’ve had a very blessed life up to this point. Last year, I graduated college and was accepted into medical school. That’s huge! That’s been my dream for as long as I can consciously remember (NOT an exaggeration).

I talked to my mom today, and she reminded me that a lot of people get depressed this time of year. She’s right. She suggested some things that I do, and her suggestions are always very good. I should take them, but will I? I’m not sure. It depends on how motivated I feel towards doing anything at all.

I talked to a friend of mine, and she pointed out that no one knows how long they have. That seems so obvious now, but it’s something I never really thought about, I guess. I mean, unless you have some kind of life shaking event happen to you or someone close to you, most people tend to take it for granted that tomorrow they’ll wake up and jump right into the daily grind. Anything could happen to anyone at any time, I just get slapped in the face with reminders of my own mortality more frequently, that’s all.

Life is really short. I’ve been really angry and upset about what’s going on in my life right now, and I still am, but right now…in this moment…I can actually have some perspective and focus on all the things that have gone right. There are so many more of those that it just doesn’t seem fair to discount any year as a loss, really. Even though 2013 has not gotten off to a good start by any means, I’m still here to experience it, and that’s half the battle, I guess. I’ll see where this crazy life of mine takes me next.

After Further Review…

20 Dec

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Thinking about it…I’m glad Ricky stopped treatment. It was making him miserable, and the result would have ultimately been the same, but slower and much less enjoyable than the way he spent it. Even though I wish he were here still, I’m glad he’s now cancer free. And yes, my life is kind of “$*#^@&*&%@” right now, if you will, and I feel kind of miserable most days, but in the grand scheme of things…at least I still have it. It just takes situations like this to put all of that into perspective I guess.

I’m glad I got my mom to open up to me…the challenge will be getting my dad to open up. He’s never been a big talker, and NOT a sharer of feelings. I know he’s got to be scared, and I don’t want him to be (though that’s impossible, it’s what I want)! I feel like if he can say how he feels and just feel it, maybe…I don’t know, maybe it would help him, too. He hasn’t talked to anyone about how he FEELS about any of this; only about what’s happening. Facts. Such a guy. I just don’t know how to start that conversation with him besides saying, “So daddy, how do you really feeeeel?” And that’s awkward, because we usually talk about basketball, football, sheetrock (??), electronics, kung fu movies, I dunno 2 x 4, table saws and stuff lol.

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RIP, Ricky

19 Dec

You had balls, dude. Love you.

RIP, Henry.

23 Jun

I love you.

Thanks for always fighting.

Life’s not fair.

I could never forget you even if I tried.