Tag Archives: death
Quote

“Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come.”

30 Sep
“The most important thing I know now that I didn’t know then is this: People who are dying are still living.”
Dr. David Kuhl
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Chemotherapy Today

18 Aug

 So, I had chemo today. It was kind of not a good experience, because I was already throwing up and feeling so weak last night that I couldn’t really make it to the bathroom. My aide came in the morning to help out and she took me to chemo, where I got lots of fluids. I keep getting so dehydrated. I don’t mean to let that happen, I just can’t keep anything down. I got a new medicine that should help me be able to eat, it came in the mail the other day, so hopefully that help with the dehydration, too.

I feel really weird that the nurses have to put on all this gear just to administer this medicine, and it’s going straight into my veins. Like, that can’t be safe, right? I don’t know how much hope I have that this trial is going to work. Certainly not as much as some of the people around me, but they have to have hope for me. It’s all they can do. And this is the last thing we’re trying, so everyone is kind of placing their eggs in one basket if you know what I mean.

I just want a chance to feel normal, and this trial can take up to a year. A year of this is certainly not going to be normal. Not even close. Maybe I’ll get used to it, and maybe the side effects will stop being so bad, but I have a feeling that as the toxicity builds up, it’ll be the other way around. I really want to be able to finish school, and I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I’m already feeling like I can’t do it. I’m already doubting myself. I’m also starting to feel like maybe I won’t make it to graduation, so maybe all of this is pointless. Maybe I’m just overthinking things, but I really don’t have anyone to talk to about these things. Not in person at least. I don’t have a lot of support here where I am, so it feels like I’m doing this by myself sometimes. That’s a really lonely feeling. I’m trying to push through, but there’s only so much I can do, and I don’t exactly know when it’s time to stop, but I don’t know if I will. How do you know something like that? I do want to stop. Kind of. I also don’t.I have been thinking about dying a lot. I’m scared that it will hurt. I’m scared that I’ll miss things. Important things. My brother just turned 18. He wants to go into the Marines, and then he wants to become a police officer. I wonder how much of that I’ll get to be a part of. It’s hard with this uncertainty always hanging over my head. I try to stay in the present, but how can I? I’ve been planning for my future my whole life, and now it might be taken away. That hurts. I’ve wanted to be a doctor for so long, but the process just takes so incredibly long, that I may not see the end of it. People keep suggesting alternative treatments and diets to me, or eating soursop and all of that, but I can’t even eat, I can’t change my diet much, because I can’t even figure out what stays down in the first place! My classmates are going out to eat, having parties, and doing all of this fun stuff, and I’m unable to participate in the majority of it. It just doesn’t seem fair. I know that life isn’t fair, but…you can’t help wanting it to be.

I should really get back to studying now. I have to study for microbiology, pharmacology, pathology, and I don’t think I have much to do for fundamentals of medicine, but I do want to see if I can get to reading some more of Robbins. It’s hard to do today. It’s hard to concentrate, because I’m just so tired, and I feel so sick to my stomach. I found out one of my friends from when I was younger got married and had a baby. She has two kids now. A lot of my friends are getting engaged, married, and having kids. I’m just sitting here having cancer. A lot of my classmates are getting engaged, too. I’m happy for them, but every time one of them gets engaged, it just reminds me of how lonely I am. I know I’m rambling, and the flow of this entry makes little sense, but that’s what I need right now. Just to vent in whatever way I want. Like I said before, I’m not a write. This isn’t article quality. Just some random thoughts of a sick student. I keep wishing life were different. I keep thinking how different they’d be if I were healthy right now. How good my grades would be, and how much easier it would be to make friends. Maybe I would even be asked on a date. Who knows. I can’t keep living in “what ifs.” It only makes things worse.

This Too Shall Pass

14 Aug

My brother’s 18th birthday is tomorrow, and he’s getting a tattoo. It’s gonna be of a lion and it will say “this too shall pass” in honour of his friend Sierra, who was killed as a result of traumatic brain injury from a car crash this year. His girlfriend has a tattoo that says the same thing, but not the lion. I think hers has a heart or something on it. It’s on her wrist. He wants his on his shoulder.

Again

27 Jul

Hi I’m again in the hospital since last night because seizures, nosebleed, and vomiting. I did not want to go, but my mom and brother insisted and took me. On the way they keep arguing about everything and that hurts my head. They always argue because they both like to be right. Since the hospital, I get there and get a CT scan with and without contrast to see the brain tumor. That is causing the ataxia, vomiting, and headaches. It grew a little but not much. I cannot do SRS on it so that I qualify for the clinical trial. God, it better work. It starts Aug 11 for me. My 1st cycle. Pray it goes well, please? Here at the hospital, they’ve been able more to control the seizures so I have different seizure medicine combination to go home with. I’m just very scared and I wonder how many times I can go home. I am being super candid right now: I do not want to die in a hospital. Please no. I mean if I do die, you know? There is a rush to fix everything but maybe the last time I know they cannot fix it how I like so I leave it broken and go to sleep. Just a thought. That thought is over now. The trial is back at school, so I will be back there again, but my daddy will visit often. I love him.

Helpless

6 Jul

Oh no, I love waking up at 4 AM in excruciating pain and not being able to fall back to sleep. It’s okay, I don’t mind vomiting until I can’t believe that there’d be anything left inside for me to bring up. No, I’m fine with having stage IV cancer with mets that won’t go away, that I won’t just “get over” so I can move on with my life. I don’t mind having to have conversations about Hospice while I’m only 22 years old, before I reach my dream of being a doctor. I know I’m a good person, and I didn’t do anything to anyone. I know that life is so unfair and never will be fair. I know that I lost my friend when she was 23, and she was the strongest person I’ve ever known. She never stopped fighting, and she still died. People die. That’s just how it goes. That’s a side effect of life. I know that my life has been full, so I guess I’ve lived a whole lifetime in these 22 years. I must have, right? Then why do I feel so angry right now? Why do I feel so helpless? Life is not going how I thought it would. I don’t want to hear my parents’ voices crack every time they talk to me. That’s bull, they shouldn’t have to feel this way. I don’t want my little brother to avoid any serious conversation with me. We’re growing apart when we should be coming together. I have to comfort everyone I talk to in some way or another or listen to them tell me things that I know won’t happen. Or they tell me things that make them feel better, and I have no idea what to say. I don’t know what to do. I used to be in control. I used to have my life all planned out, and now it’s all fallen apart. I have some tough choices that I don’t want to make. I just want to be able to sleep right now and not have to think about any of this. I don’t want to have to make this decision. I just want to close my eyes and pretend this isn’t all happening. Fxck Cancer.

Quote

I Never Wish for Death

29 Jun

“I never wish for death, but when that pain hits – I just want to wish myself out of existence until it subsides.”

Letter to Randi

19 Apr

I really can’t believe it’s been a year since you’ve been gone. A year. It doesn’t feel like a year. I think about you every single solitary day. I don’t know if you know this or not, but you’ve had a bigger impact on my life than I expected. You were so full of life and fun and adventure. You never gave up ever. You’re such a positive influence on all the people who you came in contact with, however brief that contact may have been, and I admire that in you so much. Sometimes, you are the sole reason that I don’t just pack it all in and give up. Life will never be the same without you, and I miss you everyday. NGUNS, baby!

Days Like These Are the Loneliest

17 Apr

There’s a really long exam tomorrow, which means I’m here with nothing to do (except study, which I’m clearly not) and no one to talk to, because they’re all actually studying. All alone. And it’s beautiful outside. It’s always beautiful outside the day before an exam. The weather taunts me sometimes.

Friday makes one year since my friend died. That’s also the day my dad gets his PET scan to basically see if the treatment worked. That’s the day after my exam, so I feel like once it’s over, I still can’t even relax. Then, the following Wednesday, I have an Anatomy/Embryology miniboard exam. Nope…no relaxing for me. At first, I thought it might be good…take my mind off of the recent bad news that I received. But I still can’t stop thinking about it, so now I can’t even study. I’m probably going to fail this exam.

I don’t know what to do, and I’m just feeling really lonely. I know I should be studying like everyone else, but I feel really mentally fatigued, and my classmates don’t get it. I mean I’m glad they don’t have to understand, but still…they don’t understand. My friend that died last April…she would have understood perfectly, I’m sure. She’s pretty much the reason I don’t give up completely.

A Little Bit Random

18 Mar

I’ve been feeling really depressed and anxious today, but luckily, my counselor took it upon herself to email me constantly today. I think I needed that.

My dad is currently away at a funeral right now. My cousin died from colon cancer. I kind of had a feeling this was coming, I guess, but you never expect it to be so soon, I guess. And then on top of that, things like this just kind of tend to remind you of your own mortality. Like…we’re not going to live forever, but I don’t know how “done” we’re supposed to feel when we’re actually finished here.

There was a guy who shot and killed himself back at my college last night. I was just there! He was planning a school shooting, but decided against it and shot only himself. I have friends that live in that building! They think he changed his mind because his roommate ran in the bathroom and called the cops after he aimed at them. What is happening in this world?!?!

Also, I don’t remember if I mentioned this or not, but my dad is done with treatment now. He’s done with radiation, and he’s not doing his last round of chemotherapy. He didn’t want it, so…yeah. He’s done.

9 Months

19 Jan

It’s been 9 months since you died, but I don’t go a day without thinking of you. NGUNS!