Tag Archives: depressed

Excellent.

5 Jan

Aaaaand now I’m getting a respiratory tract infection. Excellent.

They said that one of my medications could cause myelosuppression (bone marrow sucking at it’s job of producing blood cells), and I thought, yeah yeah yeah long list of side effects, blah blah blah…but now I have one of the lamest immune systems I’ve ever had, and I have little purple spots. I’m getting Neupogen, blood products, procrit, antibiotics, etc. Sooooo frustrated…and I’m kind of scared, but mostly just because I’m feeling so alone right now. My dad had a PET scan yesterday. Didn’t get to talk to him to see how that went.

It’s hard to think of anything else at the moment…the nurses or whoever come in every 30 minutes to do or check one thing or another, and then things are beeping and whirring, and the pump will go all crazy when it empties, but I’m trying to “go to my happy place.” I’m feeling a full blown depression coming on…I mean…my hormones and blood levels of pretty much everything are all out of whack, so it could be that. I also no longer live close to any of my friends. Not a single one. So there’s that. You know…in addition to the whole cancer thing. I don’t know…I’m just being all whiny and complaining about everything, but right now I just feel like I need to.

I talked to some people about how I’ve been feeling…emotionally…and I think it just made me feel worse. And they’re supposed to be professionals. 😥  Everything is making me cry. Like…I’ll drop the spoon for my applesauce and burst into tears. Ahh get it together! I do like that I have this outlet to vent. It’s nice, and I like that I don’t always have to pretend to be all “brave” and “strong” and stuff like people keep telling me to be. I can just…say how I feel. Honestly, all those things that people think are encouraging, are really just…annoying. Sorry! I’m trying to have happy moments and live inside of them completely while they last, I just haven’t really had any these past few days.

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Someone sent me this, and it changed my whole night.

4 Jan

“Hello. You do not know me, and I do not know you. Even so, I just wanted to say that I know how it feels to be depressed. I do not know your circumstances, and I will not pretend that I do. I just want you to know that someone cares about others unconditionally which most certainly goes for you as well. It may not mean so much to you because I do not know you, but I hope that this message has made a difference. Please stay strong.”

It did make a difference. Thank you.

Aside 4 Jan

I’ve been spending my time just waiting for the day to end…and when the next day unfortunately starts, I just wait for that one to end, too.

“What a weary time those years were — to have the desire and the need to live but not the ability.”

2 Jan

I found out that my Aunt’s breast cancer came back, and I also found out that my friend’s little brother’s cancer came back in his shoulder. He has osteosarcoma. It’s like everywhere I look it’s freaking cancer, and it won’t leave me, or anyone else alone. Usually I can have a pretty good attitude about stuff like this, or at least an okay one, but seriously, this is becoming just too much. Sometimes I can pretend to be okay long enough to fool myself into thinking that it doesn’t really bother me, but that’s really not working anymore. I have a therapist and social worker and everything to talk to, but I feel like they’re just frustrating me now. They’re saying all the textbook things to say, but they’ve never had cancer. I mean I would never wish for them to or anything, but I feel like they don’t get it. And I know that I’m going to die, I know what stage IV metastatic RCC means…I see the people at the weekly infusions slowly stop coming, or the people that I talk to at support groups or at the infusion center die, and I just have to wonder when that will be me. I’m feeling really discouraged. Like what’s the point in even trying if I know what’s going to happen? I’m lonely here anyways. I just want all of this to be over. Like now.

:’( That Is All

22 Sep

New Emotional Low

LEVEL ACHIEVED

I feel like the crappiest crap stuck to the gum on the bottom of Satan’s shoe…

My leg is sooooooo swollen and sore 😦 ouch

Anndddd…I have pharyngitis…again…

It’s only like 8pm…and this day needs to be over, because I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better one. We’ll see.