Tag Archives: depression

Hello

17 Oct

Hi everyone, just wanted to make an update.

So the past couple days have been relatively okay. Just a few complaints. My mouth is so dry. I’ve been using the biotene products, but it’s not helping as much as I want it to. It’s so dry it hurts and I have the most awful taste in my mouth. And the nausea, probably from the pain medicines, and there’s this heartburn that won’t go away. It’s getting more and more intense. It was just an inconvenient gurgle at first, but now it’s like the pits of hell are rumbling up through my insides. I’ve been in my bed for most of the time…probably too many hours out of each day. I need to get up and do stuff, I think. I’m pretty sure it’s the depression. Maybe the fact that I’m always exhausted and always sleeping. But otherwise, not too bad.

On a happier note, my little brother got a new cell phone, and it’s lime green, so now we can text each other pictures and we can just…text more. So that is good. My dad and I had a good talk yesterday. My pain meds are working pretty well. I’ve made a classical music playlist that I like to listen to sometimes, and it’s just kind of relaxing. I also really like that song Royals by Lorde. My dad is doing fantastically well, still having dry mouth. He has to drink water and swish it around in his mouth when he eats food so that he can swallow it. But other than that, he’s doing fantastically. So, yeah, that’s my update.

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Life is Tearing Me Down.

24 Aug

I can’t catch a break. I need to just breathe, and I can’t even have a moment. Everything just keeps happening. I feel like I’m not allowed to complain, but I want to scream. My body is giving up on me, I can feel it. Today was an awful day. it’s really not fair. I don’t like to ask why me or anything like that, but seriously? Why is all of this happening? I can’t deal with this. It’s too much. Also, I don’t really have a support group here. My one back at college is diminishing, too, because everyone is graduating and going off to different places. I have nowhere where I can go back to and say, “This is home. This is where my people are.” I don’t have a place like that. I don’t have a physical group of support people here where I am…not really. Not like I had in college. I have people to take notes and record lectures for me, and that’s great, I appreciate that. But, I don’t have people to talk to and say, “I’m having a tough time.” I don’t even have a therapist anymore. I’ve been in the hospital so much this summer. And what if this is the last year I’ll be able to stay in school? I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next week or month. I can’t even plan for my future like I used to. What if I don’t have one? I feel like giving up everyday, but I said I wouldn’t. I wear that promise on my wrist everyday, so I know I can’t, but it’s so hard. I don’t know how to deal with this.

Chemotherapy Today

18 Aug

 So, I had chemo today. It was kind of not a good experience, because I was already throwing up and feeling so weak last night that I couldn’t really make it to the bathroom. My aide came in the morning to help out and she took me to chemo, where I got lots of fluids. I keep getting so dehydrated. I don’t mean to let that happen, I just can’t keep anything down. I got a new medicine that should help me be able to eat, it came in the mail the other day, so hopefully that help with the dehydration, too.

I feel really weird that the nurses have to put on all this gear just to administer this medicine, and it’s going straight into my veins. Like, that can’t be safe, right? I don’t know how much hope I have that this trial is going to work. Certainly not as much as some of the people around me, but they have to have hope for me. It’s all they can do. And this is the last thing we’re trying, so everyone is kind of placing their eggs in one basket if you know what I mean.

I just want a chance to feel normal, and this trial can take up to a year. A year of this is certainly not going to be normal. Not even close. Maybe I’ll get used to it, and maybe the side effects will stop being so bad, but I have a feeling that as the toxicity builds up, it’ll be the other way around. I really want to be able to finish school, and I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I’m already feeling like I can’t do it. I’m already doubting myself. I’m also starting to feel like maybe I won’t make it to graduation, so maybe all of this is pointless. Maybe I’m just overthinking things, but I really don’t have anyone to talk to about these things. Not in person at least. I don’t have a lot of support here where I am, so it feels like I’m doing this by myself sometimes. That’s a really lonely feeling. I’m trying to push through, but there’s only so much I can do, and I don’t exactly know when it’s time to stop, but I don’t know if I will. How do you know something like that? I do want to stop. Kind of. I also don’t.I have been thinking about dying a lot. I’m scared that it will hurt. I’m scared that I’ll miss things. Important things. My brother just turned 18. He wants to go into the Marines, and then he wants to become a police officer. I wonder how much of that I’ll get to be a part of. It’s hard with this uncertainty always hanging over my head. I try to stay in the present, but how can I? I’ve been planning for my future my whole life, and now it might be taken away. That hurts. I’ve wanted to be a doctor for so long, but the process just takes so incredibly long, that I may not see the end of it. People keep suggesting alternative treatments and diets to me, or eating soursop and all of that, but I can’t even eat, I can’t change my diet much, because I can’t even figure out what stays down in the first place! My classmates are going out to eat, having parties, and doing all of this fun stuff, and I’m unable to participate in the majority of it. It just doesn’t seem fair. I know that life isn’t fair, but…you can’t help wanting it to be.

I should really get back to studying now. I have to study for microbiology, pharmacology, pathology, and I don’t think I have much to do for fundamentals of medicine, but I do want to see if I can get to reading some more of Robbins. It’s hard to do today. It’s hard to concentrate, because I’m just so tired, and I feel so sick to my stomach. I found out one of my friends from when I was younger got married and had a baby. She has two kids now. A lot of my friends are getting engaged, married, and having kids. I’m just sitting here having cancer. A lot of my classmates are getting engaged, too. I’m happy for them, but every time one of them gets engaged, it just reminds me of how lonely I am. I know I’m rambling, and the flow of this entry makes little sense, but that’s what I need right now. Just to vent in whatever way I want. Like I said before, I’m not a write. This isn’t article quality. Just some random thoughts of a sick student. I keep wishing life were different. I keep thinking how different they’d be if I were healthy right now. How good my grades would be, and how much easier it would be to make friends. Maybe I would even be asked on a date. Who knows. I can’t keep living in “what ifs.” It only makes things worse.

Can’t Sleep

10 Aug

Again.

This shouldn’t surprise me. It happens all the time, even with the Ambien. Now here comes the part where I start thinking too many thoughts alone in my room and get all worked up over things that A) shouldn’t bother me, B) will never occur, or C) I shouldn’t be thinking about in the first place.

Right now, I’d say we’re at C. Still can’t stop thinking about those statistics I saw earlier. It got even worse when it metastasized to multiple distant locations, and uh…yeah, I won that bag of shit jackpot, too. Lucky me over here! I know I shouldn’t be thinking about this, which is why it’s on my list as C.

I also had a strange dream. I was at a show in an auditorium, and we kept changing seat for some weird reason that I can’t exactly explain, but it had to do with the trajectory of this thing that would slice our broccoli. Then, we left, and my brother and I had to run back to our house, but they had turned it into dorm rooms and made all the rooms smaller (everyone got a corner of the microwave to use) and locked us in the basement. *we don’t even have a basement* so we ran around campus until we could finally get into our house and we had to battle everyone inside to get our house back, but the people inside were my cousins and my little sib from school. I was livid. Then there was some cap’n crunch involved somehow and running around and a Christmas tree, and we got our house back, but had a lot of unwanted guests in the dining room.

Giving it a Go

1 Aug

I was so scared to tell my parents about my depression and now I wish I would have told them sooner. I don’t know exactly what I was scared of. They’re my parents, they love me. They have been nothing but supportive. I felt like I had to keep it inside so that nobody would think that I can’t handle medical school, because I can. I don’t want to quit school or anything. I was afraid people would make me take a leave from being sick and depressed and thinking I wasn’t capable of finishing out the year. But I did finish, and with pretty good grades. 2 A’s, 3 B’s and a C. I think that’s pretty darn good given the circumstances. Now that 2nd year is about to start, people are starting to doubt my ability to power through again. I’m kind of doubting it, too, but only slightly. I’m still going to give it one hell of a go and pray for the best. I won’t let anything stop me, I’ve wanted this for too long.

Overview of Today

24 Jul

My home health nurse came this morning and got me all set up and washed up and ready for the day…the day consisting of nothing but lying in bed (a skill I’ve recently perfected) and some delicious TPN. I have hives, and I don’t know why. I thought my dad and brother would be home with me all day, but they were both gone all day. My dad was working and running errands, and my brother was doing something S.C.U.B.A. related and then hanging out with his girlfriend for the remainder of the day.

When my dad finally came home, he started paying bills and then cooking while we watched Family Guy. After that, we watched Superman together, then America’s Got Talent, and finally So You Think You Can Dance. During this time, my mom came home. She came home angry. She became even angrier upon discovering that one of my GENERIC medications after insurance cost $65 for a week’s supply. She went off. She started cussing (my mom usually doesn’t curse at all) and yelling at everyone in the house. My dad and I just gave each other a “menopause is a b*tch” look. And my dad calmly agreed to take the medication back while my mom sorted through our insurance formulary information.

Speaking of insurance, the appeal that was “denied” was denied before they even got our appeal. Also, we may have sent it to the wrong address, so we will try sending it to the other address. Hopefully this works this time, because I’m too broke for all of this nonsense.

All in all, even though I was feeling depressed today, I’m so flippin’ glad to be home!

I Left.

12 Jul

Last night I went to the ER because I was in so much pain, I was vomiting blood, and I had a ridiculously high fever of 104. They were able to stop the bleeding, reduce the pain, and bring the fever down to 102, but the wanted to admit me. They put me on broad spectrum antibiotics until they figure out exactly what type of infection we’re dealing with here. But you know what I did? I left. I just…walked out. Enough of this crap. I wanted to go home. My friend, Kristi, is coming to visit me today and I wanted it to be a visit at my apartment, so I left. I’ll just take a bunch of Tylenol and hope my fever goes away, I guess, I mean what can you do? And I went to the pharmacy, I have antibiotics that were prescribed, I’ll take those. I want to be in my own bed, puh-lease! For at least a week, damn! Is that too much to ask? Seriously? It’s my birthday this weekend, can’t it please just be good, please?

I really thought I was a goner last night. I panicked. I get annoyed when people try to sell me on bull. I know miracles happen, I’ve been praying for one. But I also know that God created doctors and scientists who come up with medicines, and He made science, and these people are pretty smart. They may not always be right, but they’re right a lot. I hope for the best, but I also prepare for the worst so as not to be caught off guard. Few people will let me talk about it. They keep telling me I’ll be fine, but you know what? I’m not fine. I have a legitimate fear that I will die from this, and I feel like people are invalidating my feelings. Everyone acts like no that could never happen, not to me. I don’t want to die, but maybe I will, maybe I won’t. Hopefully I won’t, but there are two outcomes. I guess this is why I need a counselor. People say that we’re all going to die, and that I’ll die eventually, but I sure wasn’t planning to come this close in my 20s. There’s blood all over my bed. Last night was bad. I wish I knew what God’s bigger plan for me was. Everything is so uncertain right now. I don’t like this constant uncertainty.

Reasons to Stay Alive

11 Jul

http://www.matthaig.com/reasons-to-stay-alive/

My Everything Hurts

8 Jul

My everything hurts:

  • My head
  • My eyeballs
  • My stomach
  • My skin
  • My back
  • My neck
  • My throat
  • My hands and feet

My mom wants me to try one more treatment option. It’s new. I don’t know if I want to I just feel so done, but I understand where she’s coming from. I guess I’ll ask about it, it couldn’t hurt I guess. I’ll ask about that and get the home health nurse at the same time. It’s not easy being by myself. It’s getting darn near impossible. I guess that’s why my body is just rebelling right now. Too much all by myself, maybe? Maybe I have too much downtime to just sit around and feel sick. At least when school was in I had a distraction. Things I absolutely had to get done before the next day, so I couldn’t sit and dwell on how I felt as much. Now that’s pretty much all I do, and it’s really depressing. Speaking of which, the depression was lifting for a while, and now I’m afraid that it’s coming back. I feel scared and anxious. I feel helpless and hopeless. I don’t know what to do right now. I gave up on counseling, and I haven’t been to see the psychiatrist in a while, either. I do go back to see her this month, which is good because I’m almost out of sleeping pills, which is making me anxious. I can take short naps all day, but I can’t get through the night without them no matter how tired I am. I don’t know if it’s the pain or anxiety that does it to me or a combination of both. My bone marrow is starting to give me problems, it’s because of the treatment. And I’m not making enough EPO, so that’s not making things any better. I’m so done with all of this, really. But I’ll try I guess for my family. I’m trying to find ways to talk to my brother now. Talk more seriously, I mean. We’ll see how that goes. My mom went and called all of my doctors, because I guess she’s upset and just wants to know what’s all going on.

Not Now

31 May

My depression medicines are working, and I feel mostly normal again, but I ran out, and I still feel a little too anxious to call the psychiatrist. I also wanna cancel the appointment with the super expensive weird counselor, but I feel too anxious for that, too. I’m just gonna do it, but like…not now lol.