Hi

Sorry for my absence. I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed, and I’ve been extremely tired. I’ve had a really hard time getting out of my bed, and I’ve missed my last 2 chemo appointments due to low blood counts that won’t seem to stay up anymore. I have had my exam week for school, and am not sure how much longer I can continue doing this. It’s been rough. I’ve spent much more time asleep than awake, and I’m strongly considering moving back home as I don’t think I can handle school anymore. This has made me pretty deeply depressed, and I’ve kind of withdrawn from talking to people a little bit. I’m really not sure how much more I can take, and I just want this all to be over.

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I Just Need to Complain

I’ve been in a really bad mood all day. I guess it’s because I’ve been extremely tired and my everything just hurts so badly. It’s not that I’ve been angry, I’ve just been really upset about how exhausted I’ve been and how much pain I’ve been feeling recently, and today I’ve been having new pain that I wasn’t even having before. The skin on my hands is peeling, and the fatigue is kicking my butt! My head hurts, it hurts to breathe, my back hurts, it hurts to move, my stomach hurts, it hurts to eat or drink anything, my bones hurt, my skin hurts…I’m just a hot freaking mess. I can’t even get proper sleep because I keep having nightmares and the pain keeps waking me up. I really just feel like crying.

Light in the Darkness

“I know it’s so easy to focus on your struggles, to let them submerge your mind, surround your day with hallow negativity, and restrain you from seeing beauty. I know what it’s like to want to lay in bed all day, and not face the day. But pain is inevitable, misery is optional. Fight for your happiness, realize you deserve it. We complicate our life so much and it’s exhausting. Be grateful for all that is going right, focus on that and trust in the universe to aid you with endurance. Never let yourself forget that there is always light in the darkness.”

OH. MY. GOD.

I was exhausted yesterday, and was able to fall asleep with relative ease last night. Fairly early, too. I was really excited about this, because I usually will lie awake in pain, and that’s not the way I like to spend my nights. Imagine that!

However, I woke up sometime in the middle of the night in the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my life! Oh. My. God. I can not even begin to describe the way I was feeling, and I don’t even want to think about it too hard right now, because it was both horrendous and terrifying. I started to scream for someone to do something about it, but then I felt my voice catch in my throat, and all I could do was whimper and cry.

I’m still not exactly sure why that happened, but all I know is that I’m not in that kind of pain right now. I hope that NEVER happens again. I’m getting scans and tests in addition to the few I had last night in order to figure out what happened. For now, I’m going to take a nap, because I’m still exhausted.

Wah! :(

Today was…kind of awful. I just felt really sick all day. I spiked a ridiculous fever, I’ve been vomiting all day long, my stomach has been doing backflips, and the pain is pretty much out of control. I kind of just feel like curling up into the fetal position and crying. It’d be really nice to be able to just sleep all of this off, but it’s really difficult to sleep under the circumstances, and I’m so exhausted!

😦

I’m Home, Why Don’t I Feel Happy?

My dad and I are both getting PEG tubes tomorrow. Earlier, I kinda thought I was watching TV, but it took me 20 minutes to realize that I forgot to turn it on, and I was really just thinking while staring at the TV. I don’t really want to watch anything on television anyways. It’s all either stupid stuff, sad stuff, or infomercials. Merry Christmas, yay.

Early Morning Ouchies

I couldn’t fall asleep until about 2:30 am and then I woke up at 4:30 am with excruciating pain in my jaw. That’s a new one for me. It just won’t go away, and I can’t go to sleep! I’m exhausted and frustrated, and my pain meds aren’t exactly helping too much right now. Not like I want them to, at least. Now, I feel like I understand the babies that cry when they’re tired, but just won’t go to sleep. Also, I don’t even know if this is a symptom of anything. I don’t know if this is something I should be concerned about, or if this is just another random side effect of one of the lovely medications I’m on. Oh, joy -__-. It could even be a non-related thing, who knows? I am going to call and ask, it’s just annoying that I can’t even tell anymore. They all kind of blend together into an indistinguishable blur of crappiness.

In addition, I just got home. This is good. I was planning to stay here. That’s still the plan. However, I seem to be developing a cold or something of the sort, because that’s just how I roll. You know, living on the edge! I’m hoping it stays as a small, normal, manageable cold that I stay home for, blow my nose, get in a few good sneezes, etc. You know…healthy people colds. That’s not how my body tends to react to colds or infections of any sort anymore, but it’s always finding new ways to surprise me, so I hope it can surprise me this time by behaving itself. Go, little immune system, go! I believe in you. =)

I talked to my dad, and he cheered me up! He was talking about the fantasy football league that he and some of the neighbors are in. Sadly, he didn’t make the playoffs this year, but he did win his last game…or something haha. He was bored because he doesn’t like to sit still for too long, so he went to get his watch fixed, and even looked at some new jobs. I was under the impression that he wouldn’t be working right now, but I guess he’s trying to fit in some smaller jobs until he starts treatment. Stave off the boredom until then, I suppose.

That’s all really.

First Day of Medical School was Today!!!

OMG, such a long day, but it was great! I was exhausted after not sleeping last night and having to wake up to move my car (parking in midtown Atlanta is frustrating to say the least), but it was fantastic!

I got a laptop, portable multiple drive/DVD burner…thing, backpack, pen, flash drive, and external hard drive. I met my classmates, faculty members, and advisors. Tomorrow, I get my big sib. I’m really excited for that!

I was looking over my class schedule, and I feel behind already! lol it’s SOOO intense. I knew what I was getting myself into, though. I foresee a lot of caffeine in my future, that’s all I have to say about that.

I live like 3 miles away from the school, and it took me 30 minutes to get there and an hour to get back! A combination of traffic and being utterly lost. I’m glad I gave myself that extra time, as it seems I may have to do all the time here in Atlanta. No matter, I love it here. I can walk nearly everywhere I need to go from my apartment. Convenient!!

I can’t believe it’s really happening! I’m living my dream!!!