Tag Archives: family

My Cousin

14 Nov

I’m writing this for my cousin. She is awake for only short times a day. She needs help doing most things. But her brother got the neighbors to put up their Christmas lights and him and his dad helped them do it. She has trouble breathing and a lot of pain. For Christmas she got a blanket and pajamas and fluffy socks and she really likes them. She likes the Christmas music too. Christmas is her favorite. If you have questions I can answer them and tell her messages for you but she says hi.

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Fluid

1 Nov

My dad came and took me straight to the hospital. There was fluid building up in my lungs so I got a chest tube placed to drain it, so now I have that little bubbly thing. There was also fluid building up around my heart, so they did a pericardiocentesis to drain that. Plus to prevent more fluid from building up around my lungs, they’re gonna do a pleurodesis, which I’m pretty sure is gonna hurt. They’re basically going to intentionally scar the lining of my lungs with chemicals. I saw my mom, too. My parents were basically surprised by how bad I looked and got all emotional and stuff and it kinda freaked me out. My brother is coming with his girlfriend later. I missed him. But it’s not as hard to breathe now, I just hate being in the hospital.

My Date

3 Sep

My date didn’t go as planned. It was raining, so we couldn’t go to the zoo. I suggested the aquarium, but then he said he couldn’t stay very long. I also was not feeling very well, so we just relaxed and had some tea. I didn’t get to know too much more about him, and it feels like it didn’t last long enough. It may have felt that way regardless of how long it was, though. Overall, I think it was a success, though. I say this because he wants to try for either the zoo or aquarium again next Sunday. So that’s gotta be good news, right? It didn’t come up about the cancer, so I didn’t tell him, but it came up when I saw him at school today, so I told him. He didn’t seem like he wanted to run away, so that was good. He just told me that everything is going to be okay. I wish I could believe that, but I’ll let him believe that.

 I also met this other guy, and he came over the other day. I really like him. His mom is a breast cancer survivor, and me being sick doesn’t scare him away. That’s what I’m always most worried about. Time will tell whether that’s the case or not, but I’d like to think that it’s going to work out. He said he would like to come to chemo with me and my doctor’s appointments if I would let him. He’s really sweet and has been texting me really nice things.

My parents and my little brother visited this past weekend. I enjoyed their company. It was good to have them around. Especially my little brother. I didn’t think he was going to come, but I’m so glad that he did. We’re pretty much best friends.

Weird.

25 Aug

I have a cousin that is basically throwing her life away. She’s smart, but she’s not using it. She’s not talking to family anymore, she keeps getting pregnant, and she’s in and out of relationships with men that are no good for her. I love her and all, and I wish she would move back home.

I had a dream that she helped me with my fashion sense/wardrobe, clean my apartment, kill roaches, do laundry and dishes, and get my life together. Then we ate corn dogs and peas. Weird.

I also had a dream that was too detailed to even try to write about.

Misery

18 Jul

Well…I have some kind of infection, the doctors haven’t figured out what yet, but they’re thinking a virus because the antibiotics haven’t knocked it out. My temp is still pretty high, and they’re using ice packs for it, and they’re freezing my butt off. I had some seizures, too. I’ve been having some pretty intense bouts of vomiting, and I can’t eat anything by mouth, so I’m on TPN again. I’ve been a little jaundiced, and I’m not having any urine output. Fluid is building up in my lungs, making it hard to breathe. I still don’t know why the stomach pain is so bad or what exactly is causing it now, but they’re giving me morphine every few hours, which is odd because I normally get fentanyl or dilaudid. But they’re pretty much keeping me knocked out all day, because when I wake up, it’s pretty much just miserable. Naturally, my mom freaked out and called a bunch of doctors she knows, and they’re trying to figure out what I have. My family caught a flight and they’re here now. My mom is trying to get me transferred home. Through all this, I did get a guy’s number, though. He was visiting the person next to me and said my smile made his day. That kind of made my day. There was this nurse, though, that would not smile for the life of him! I tried to get him to crack a smile because he just looked so miserable, but he just absolutely would not smile. Oh well. I tried. I called some people today and talked to them for a little while. I wrote some nice notes to people and listened to some music when I wasn’t sleeping. Today was difficult, but I tried to relax.

Aside 18 Jul

Today has been so scary and emotionally taxing, but I’m getting transferred back home soon, so I’ll get to see my parents and my brother.

My Everything Hurts

8 Jul

My everything hurts:

  • My head
  • My eyeballs
  • My stomach
  • My skin
  • My back
  • My neck
  • My throat
  • My hands and feet

My mom wants me to try one more treatment option. It’s new. I don’t know if I want to I just feel so done, but I understand where she’s coming from. I guess I’ll ask about it, it couldn’t hurt I guess. I’ll ask about that and get the home health nurse at the same time. It’s not easy being by myself. It’s getting darn near impossible. I guess that’s why my body is just rebelling right now. Too much all by myself, maybe? Maybe I have too much downtime to just sit around and feel sick. At least when school was in I had a distraction. Things I absolutely had to get done before the next day, so I couldn’t sit and dwell on how I felt as much. Now that’s pretty much all I do, and it’s really depressing. Speaking of which, the depression was lifting for a while, and now I’m afraid that it’s coming back. I feel scared and anxious. I feel helpless and hopeless. I don’t know what to do right now. I gave up on counseling, and I haven’t been to see the psychiatrist in a while, either. I do go back to see her this month, which is good because I’m almost out of sleeping pills, which is making me anxious. I can take short naps all day, but I can’t get through the night without them no matter how tired I am. I don’t know if it’s the pain or anxiety that does it to me or a combination of both. My bone marrow is starting to give me problems, it’s because of the treatment. And I’m not making enough EPO, so that’s not making things any better. I’m so done with all of this, really. But I’ll try I guess for my family. I’m trying to find ways to talk to my brother now. Talk more seriously, I mean. We’ll see how that goes. My mom went and called all of my doctors, because I guess she’s upset and just wants to know what’s all going on.

Just…No

5 Mar

I can’t talk to anybody without bursting into tears…like I can’t say any words to anyone or have anyone say anything to me without just crying. It seems like all the crappy things just happen at once. My dad’s been really sick, my friend got in a car accident, I didn’t get the research position I applied for, and I haven’t been feeling well, to name a few.

Good things happened, too. I mean I had friends from back home visit me, and I did well on my histology/cell biology miniboard. I got 5 points above the national average, somehow…it was really heavy on cell bio. Light on the histo. I mostly just watched cell bio videos and didn’t study much histo. I got lucky that way. Most people studied the histo because it was explained to us that it would be mostly histo…I just never got around to it.

In spite of these good things happening, I just can’t seem to make myself feel happy. There’s more stuff my mom’s not telling me about my dad. She doesn’t want to stress me out, but I’m stressing out just thinking about what it could be and why she can’t just tell me. I just don’t feel like being around people that much. Mostly because I can’t make myself stop crying, and it’s really awkward. It’s just like…Hi, how are you? Or…How was your weekend? Something really simple, and then I just start crying. I feel like I have nothing to say to anyone. I literally just have nothing to talk about. Nothing interesting, at least. The only thing I can think about is how sad I feel and how crappy I feel all the time. I don’t wanna talk about that and no one wants to hear about that. So I’ve just been sitting around sulking and crying.

One of my professors pretty much dedicated her life to cancer research because her mom died of cancer. I talked to her and she gave me her cell number and told me to call or text her whenever, but like…I don’t really see myself doing that. She also said she was going to check in on me frequently. She said to connect with more people in the class, but like…HOW?!?!?! I try. Doesn’t work. Back to crying and panic attack city. This Ativan is crap.

What Do We Say?

24 Jan

I think my little brother is depressed. I don’t really know what to say to him, either. He’s just…sad. We’re really close, so we used to talk to each other all the time about everything and laugh at stupid stuff together, but now we don’t even know what to say to each other anymore. We hardly talk anymore. When we do it’s awkward. My whole family, really. We try to pretend that things are normal, but I think we overdo it sometimes. Kind of like when people who are secretly kind of racist try to act like they’re not racist, and they wind up coming off as racist because they overdo it. It’s like that. I don’t really know what to do or what to say. I just want him to be happy, and I don’t have any idea what to say to him or if that’s even possible. He’s been just participating in tons of hobbies and hanging out with friends all the time for distraction purposes, I think. But I guess, it’s not enough anymore.

Chemobrain and…

19 Jan

Apparently my last whole kidney is having problems…I reeeeally don’t wanna end up on dialysis, so I hope this medicine works. And…stereotactic radiotherapy for the lung mets soon. Scheduling a colonoscopy soon as well. Sounds like great fun! -__-

And about my mom crying over winter break…

My mom is the kind of person that feels like she has to be strong for everyone and fight hard for everything, so seeing her cry was…just weird honestly. She has her best friend to talk to…her best friend lives here closer to me and helps take care of me since I’m farther from home. She doesn’t tell my dad things she’s scared about, because she doesn’t want him to be scared. He takes those cues from her, and once she said that, I realized that’s what she’s been doing with me, and why she was crazy enough to let me be so far away from home during all of this…to give off a “no big deal” vibe, I think. She tends to do that so that no one else panics, since she’s the one with all the medical knowledge in the family.

This seems a little scatterbrained…probably because it is. Probably because I am, so I’ll leave it. And there’s nothing anyone can do about it. My blog, my rules. There. *Tee hee*