Tag Archives: feelings

I Missed This

28 Feb

So I talked on the phone to a friend last night that I thought was blowing me off. One day this past week he said he’d call and never did. Then I texted him and he never replied. I kinda was hurt, but apparently that first night he fell asleep (happens all the time to people, nothing to be mad about, I guess). Then he got a new phone or something because his last phone went all wacky on him, and lost my number, so he was just waiting for me to call him.

So I found this out when I called him thinking that he wouldn’t answer because he was ignoring me or something. He answered and we had a really good conversation, and it made me feel better about a lot of things. Then, he told me that once he finishes school, he’s getting married to the girl he’s dating now. I had no idea how to take this, because they’ve only been dating for like 4 1/2 months now. He said they both really connected and they talked about it a lot, and she was ready, and he’s giving that time frame of until he finishes school before he even proposes and stuff, so that’s when they’re getting engaged, not married, but like…I don’t know that just seems really fast. I didn’t wanna say that and sound disapproving or judgmental or anything, so I just said…congratulations, because I wasn’t sure how to reply. Then his response wasn’t thank you, it sounded more like he was defending his decision. I don’t know if it was because I paused or if it was my tone of voice, but he felt the need to defend himself after I congratulated him. Anyways, that was weird. When he started dating her, we started talking less…completely understandable. But then, it got to the point where we almost didn’t talk at all, and then when we did…all he would really talk about is her. That’s probably where these mixed feelings I’m having are coming from.

But he’s one of the few people that really asks and cares how I feel like…emotionally. Like really really cares and takes the time to listen to every silly little thought (rational and irrational) that I have. And then, he doesn’t just tell me what he thinks I should do about them (unless he knows some really good thing to try that I haven’t already thought of…rare occurrence). He just tells me he’s there and he cares, and he agrees about how much things suck.

The thing he told me this time was something about how I may not want to get up and study everyday or do whatever it is that I have to do that day, but I want to want to get up and study, and that’s something. That’s better than nothing, and that’s step one. Wanting to want to and pushing through with that can lead to wanting to, and before you know it, you’re actually doing whatever it is that you wanted to want to do without as much internal angst about it. He thinks a lot, so having a friend like that has been really helpful in just sorting everything out and getting my feelings out there. We used to talk more.

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Blowing Sunshine?

13 Jan

I’ve been letting myself feel how I feel recently instead of forcing myself to feel happy and “blow sunshine” as a friend of mine so eloquently put it. Letting myself have some time to feel upset has actually been making all the other days happier. Maybe it’s just by comparison, but either way, I feel happier for it.

I do know I’ve been able to appreciate everything more recently. All the little things have become big things, and then the things that seemed like a big deal before…seem like little things now. My family and I sat down and had the “Advanced Directives” talk again pretty recently. Every one of us expressed our wishes on what we would prefer under certain circumstances, including my little brother (the only one to not have it all in writing…besides the cat, of course). And then…I think to lighten the mood a little, we went into really outrageous and unlikely circumstances, asking what we would do in those cases. Made it less awkward, I think.

Excellent.

5 Jan

Aaaaand now I’m getting a respiratory tract infection. Excellent.

They said that one of my medications could cause myelosuppression (bone marrow sucking at it’s job of producing blood cells), and I thought, yeah yeah yeah long list of side effects, blah blah blah…but now I have one of the lamest immune systems I’ve ever had, and I have little purple spots. I’m getting Neupogen, blood products, procrit, antibiotics, etc. Sooooo frustrated…and I’m kind of scared, but mostly just because I’m feeling so alone right now. My dad had a PET scan yesterday. Didn’t get to talk to him to see how that went.

It’s hard to think of anything else at the moment…the nurses or whoever come in every 30 minutes to do or check one thing or another, and then things are beeping and whirring, and the pump will go all crazy when it empties, but I’m trying to “go to my happy place.” I’m feeling a full blown depression coming on…I mean…my hormones and blood levels of pretty much everything are all out of whack, so it could be that. I also no longer live close to any of my friends. Not a single one. So there’s that. You know…in addition to the whole cancer thing. I don’t know…I’m just being all whiny and complaining about everything, but right now I just feel like I need to.

I talked to some people about how I’ve been feeling…emotionally…and I think it just made me feel worse. And they’re supposed to be professionals. 😥  Everything is making me cry. Like…I’ll drop the spoon for my applesauce and burst into tears. Ahh get it together! I do like that I have this outlet to vent. It’s nice, and I like that I don’t always have to pretend to be all “brave” and “strong” and stuff like people keep telling me to be. I can just…say how I feel. Honestly, all those things that people think are encouraging, are really just…annoying. Sorry! I’m trying to have happy moments and live inside of them completely while they last, I just haven’t really had any these past few days.

After Further Review…

20 Dec

IMG_5245

Thinking about it…I’m glad Ricky stopped treatment. It was making him miserable, and the result would have ultimately been the same, but slower and much less enjoyable than the way he spent it. Even though I wish he were here still, I’m glad he’s now cancer free. And yes, my life is kind of “$*#^@&*&%@” right now, if you will, and I feel kind of miserable most days, but in the grand scheme of things…at least I still have it. It just takes situations like this to put all of that into perspective I guess.

I’m glad I got my mom to open up to me…the challenge will be getting my dad to open up. He’s never been a big talker, and NOT a sharer of feelings. I know he’s got to be scared, and I don’t want him to be (though that’s impossible, it’s what I want)! I feel like if he can say how he feels and just feel it, maybe…I don’t know, maybe it would help him, too. He hasn’t talked to anyone about how he FEELS about any of this; only about what’s happening. Facts. Such a guy. I just don’t know how to start that conversation with him besides saying, “So daddy, how do you really feeeeel?” And that’s awkward, because we usually talk about basketball, football, sheetrock (??), electronics, kung fu movies, I dunno 2 x 4, table saws and stuff lol.

How To/How Not To Help

17 Dec

Don’t just say “let me know if you need anything” or “call me whenever you need anything” or any variation of this. Chances are that I won’t. You should be direct and specific. If you’re going to the store or something, say “I’m going to the store right now, do you need anything?” Chances are, I’ll probably need a few things. Bring me some food (check what I can and can’t eat, first) or offer to help me clean my apartment. Don’t expect that I can go out anywhere with you, because I probably won’t have that kind of energy. If you want to just “talk” because I seem upset, then talking about all the things that make me upset, and telling me what you think I should do probably won’t make me any less upset. You’re probably just going to stress me out. That’s all. I know you’re just trying to help, and I hate to complain about something as great and thoughtful as that, but that’s just how I feel.