Tag Archives: friend

Friend Time!

23 Jun

My friend Kayla came to visit me, yay yay yay! Even though it was short, it was fun. I missed her so so so much! ❤ She’s moving to Chicago, so I don’t know when I’ll see her next.

Good News!!

19 Apr

Ok, today seemed like a complete failure at first. I talked to my friend at school. I was getting there and it wasn’t raining. As soon as I stepped outside, BAM rained all over me. Poured rain. I was soaked and cold. They keep it freezing in that building, too. But when I got inside, my dad texted me that he just wanted to tell me he loves me <3.

Anyways, she gave me the advice of picking a scripture a week to go by that applies and really speaks to me that week. This week, I’ll go with that declaration I posted. Next week, I’ll go with a scripture. She also told me to pick one goal for each week and just focus on that one thing. This week, I’m going to try not to be irritable with my friends. I’ve been doing that, and I don’t want to. That’s not me. So, I’m going to consciously make an effort not to do that. We talked for about an hour and a half. She has anxiety, too, and was telling me how she copes with everything, that I’m not alone, and that more people deal with these kinds of things than I know. She said she was glad I talked to her and to talk to her anytime. That helped a lot. Plus I got the grade back for my exam that I took yesterday. I passed! I got a 74!! Not too shabby.

Also, my dad gave me good news! I talked to my daddy just now, and he said that his doctor said it looks like everything is gone!! Woohoo!!!! He had an MRI and it showed that he was all clear, and in 6 weeks, he’ll get a PET scan. YAY!!!!! Best news I’ve heard in a very long time. Maybe ever. Yeah…ever.

So in conclusion, today is not a failure. I may still be crying today. I may still feel lonely. I may still be in physical pain. But today is also good.

Letter to Randi

19 Apr

I really can’t believe it’s been a year since you’ve been gone. A year. It doesn’t feel like a year. I think about you every single solitary day. I don’t know if you know this or not, but you’ve had a bigger impact on my life than I expected. You were so full of life and fun and adventure. You never gave up ever. You’re such a positive influence on all the people who you came in contact with, however brief that contact may have been, and I admire that in you so much. Sometimes, you are the sole reason that I don’t just pack it all in and give up. Life will never be the same without you, and I miss you everyday. NGUNS, baby!

I’m Back!

28 Mar

So the cruise was not ideal. It had some fun moments, but I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have gone. Ugh. I hate to complain about something that’s so awesome and so few people get to do, but honestly…I just feel like I didn’t get to enjoy the experience like I should have. For one, I brought a friend, and it seemed like she tried her best to make the trip as miserable as possible. Complaining about every little thing, trying to keep me away from my classmates, bragging about herself all the time, and screwing one of my classmates on the trip. She wouldn’t shut up about the sex they had (I don’t wanna know what he’s like in bed, please!)…then he shows up the next day with 2 random other girls from on the ship, and she gets upset and gets an attitude with me for the rest of the trip. That’s just how he is, and I tried to warn her, but she didn’t listen. She gets weird whenever I’m around other people that I know besides her, so she weirded out on me this whole trip. So I didn’t get to spend very much time with my classmates, which I really wanted to, and I got b*tched at. Not to mention, it was cold and gray the whole time, and rainy the first couple of days. I felt sick quite a bit, and I just think I probably overdid it with the activities and such, but I wasn’t about to not participate in as much of the fun as I could. I also still felt pretty depressed at times, and I didn’t expect to feel that way when I should be having the most fun of my life. I still did manage to have fun (mostly when the friend I brought wasn’t around) and I got a little bit of shopping done. It wasn’t all bad  — that would be impossible, it’s a cruise to the Bahamas!!

Some highlights

  • Some of my classmates almost got left in Nassau…they ran at near Olympic Record speeds (exaggeration) and made it back to the ship just as they were pulling up the gangway (not an exaggeration). This isn’t good, but the way they ran and made it at the last second is pretty epic.
  • One guy in my class got tipsy/drunk, put on a speedo, and suddenly acquired a British accent.
  • The guys in the class ordered fruit, wine, chocolate, and cheesecake through room service, and invited us to their room, dimmed the lights, removed our shoes, played music, and gave us all 10 minute massages to show that they appreciate us. Best part of the cruise!!
  • I cuddled with 4 of my classmates. They pushed 2 twin beds together, and 5 of us slept/spooned in it that first night.

There were other fun/funny things, but those were a few highlights. I’m just kinda glad that school’s gonna be starting again. Oh also, I lost my keys UGH!!

I Missed This

28 Feb

So I talked on the phone to a friend last night that I thought was blowing me off. One day this past week he said he’d call and never did. Then I texted him and he never replied. I kinda was hurt, but apparently that first night he fell asleep (happens all the time to people, nothing to be mad about, I guess). Then he got a new phone or something because his last phone went all wacky on him, and lost my number, so he was just waiting for me to call him.

So I found this out when I called him thinking that he wouldn’t answer because he was ignoring me or something. He answered and we had a really good conversation, and it made me feel better about a lot of things. Then, he told me that once he finishes school, he’s getting married to the girl he’s dating now. I had no idea how to take this, because they’ve only been dating for like 4 1/2 months now. He said they both really connected and they talked about it a lot, and she was ready, and he’s giving that time frame of until he finishes school before he even proposes and stuff, so that’s when they’re getting engaged, not married, but like…I don’t know that just seems really fast. I didn’t wanna say that and sound disapproving or judgmental or anything, so I just said…congratulations, because I wasn’t sure how to reply. Then his response wasn’t thank you, it sounded more like he was defending his decision. I don’t know if it was because I paused or if it was my tone of voice, but he felt the need to defend himself after I congratulated him. Anyways, that was weird. When he started dating her, we started talking less…completely understandable. But then, it got to the point where we almost didn’t talk at all, and then when we did…all he would really talk about is her. That’s probably where these mixed feelings I’m having are coming from.

But he’s one of the few people that really asks and cares how I feel like…emotionally. Like really really cares and takes the time to listen to every silly little thought (rational and irrational) that I have. And then, he doesn’t just tell me what he thinks I should do about them (unless he knows some really good thing to try that I haven’t already thought of…rare occurrence). He just tells me he’s there and he cares, and he agrees about how much things suck.

The thing he told me this time was something about how I may not want to get up and study everyday or do whatever it is that I have to do that day, but I want to want to get up and study, and that’s something. That’s better than nothing, and that’s step one. Wanting to want to and pushing through with that can lead to wanting to, and before you know it, you’re actually doing whatever it is that you wanted to want to do without as much internal angst about it. He thinks a lot, so having a friend like that has been really helpful in just sorting everything out and getting my feelings out there. We used to talk more.

“What a weary time those years were — to have the desire and the need to live but not the ability.”

2 Jan

I found out that my Aunt’s breast cancer came back, and I also found out that my friend’s little brother’s cancer came back in his shoulder. He has osteosarcoma. It’s like everywhere I look it’s freaking cancer, and it won’t leave me, or anyone else alone. Usually I can have a pretty good attitude about stuff like this, or at least an okay one, but seriously, this is becoming just too much. Sometimes I can pretend to be okay long enough to fool myself into thinking that it doesn’t really bother me, but that’s really not working anymore. I have a therapist and social worker and everything to talk to, but I feel like they’re just frustrating me now. They’re saying all the textbook things to say, but they’ve never had cancer. I mean I would never wish for them to or anything, but I feel like they don’t get it. And I know that I’m going to die, I know what stage IV metastatic RCC means…I see the people at the weekly infusions slowly stop coming, or the people that I talk to at support groups or at the infusion center die, and I just have to wonder when that will be me. I’m feeling really discouraged. Like what’s the point in even trying if I know what’s going to happen? I’m lonely here anyways. I just want all of this to be over. Like now.

RIP, Henry.

23 Jun

I love you.

Thanks for always fighting.

Life’s not fair.

I could never forget you even if I tried.