Tag Archives: friends

Days Like These Are the Loneliest

17 Apr

There’s a really long exam tomorrow, which means I’m here with nothing to do (except study, which I’m clearly not) and no one to talk to, because they’re all actually studying. All alone. And it’s beautiful outside. It’s always beautiful outside the day before an exam. The weather taunts me sometimes.

Friday makes one year since my friend died. That’s also the day my dad gets his PET scan to basically see if the treatment worked. That’s the day after my exam, so I feel like once it’s over, I still can’t even relax. Then, the following Wednesday, I have an Anatomy/Embryology miniboard exam. Nope…no relaxing for me. At first, I thought it might be good…take my mind off of the recent bad news that I received. But I still can’t stop thinking about it, so now I can’t even study. I’m probably going to fail this exam.

I don’t know what to do, and I’m just feeling really lonely. I know I should be studying like everyone else, but I feel really mentally fatigued, and my classmates don’t get it. I mean I’m glad they don’t have to understand, but still…they don’t understand. My friend that died last April…she would have understood perfectly, I’m sure. She’s pretty much the reason I don’t give up completely.

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More Success?

9 Apr

I did study last night, and cleaned too! Did half of what I wanted to do of each of those things, but half of each is progress. Then, I took a shower, and made myself something to eat. I think my stomach just gets cranky whenever I eat stuff now, though, and it pretty much just either kicks it back or lets me know it’s not pleased. However, I did lots of things! I felt really accomplished. I took an Ambien early, and was about to head to bed when…COCKROACHES IN MY BED!!! EW EW EWWWW!!! They replaced my fridge, and the roaches living behind my fridge (I guess) needed a new home, so they moved into my bed. GROSS. I didn’t sleep at my apartment. My friend picked me up and I (already on the Ambien) got to her place and stayed there. I still managed to fall asleep before 11:30, so overall, the day was a huge success! Today, however…I’ve been crying all day. I failed a quiz (HARD) and people will just not cut me a break. I feel like people are just being mean to me today!

What Do We Say?

24 Jan

I think my little brother is depressed. I don’t really know what to say to him, either. He’s just…sad. We’re really close, so we used to talk to each other all the time about everything and laugh at stupid stuff together, but now we don’t even know what to say to each other anymore. We hardly talk anymore. When we do it’s awkward. My whole family, really. We try to pretend that things are normal, but I think we overdo it sometimes. Kind of like when people who are secretly kind of racist try to act like they’re not racist, and they wind up coming off as racist because they overdo it. It’s like that. I don’t really know what to do or what to say. I just want him to be happy, and I don’t have any idea what to say to him or if that’s even possible. He’s been just participating in tons of hobbies and hanging out with friends all the time for distraction purposes, I think. But I guess, it’s not enough anymore.

Scared and Alone

23 Jan

In college, I had good friends that I could count on. A (co-ed) fraternity full of them, in fact! Now that I graduated, I live in a different city, and they’re all so far away. I don’t talk to too many of them anymore, and I don’t really have any friends here. Most people check up on me every once in a while, but it’s usually a text asking how I’m doing, and once I answer, then they feel they’ve satisfied their duty as a friend for a few weeks, and I don’t hear from them for a while. Maybe they just think I’m too busy to talk or that I want to be left alone, but I don’t, and I’ve tried to express that. Maybe I’m being too needy, expecting too much of people that have their own things going on right now. I mean, I probably am, but it’s just how I feel, and it’s hard to change that. I have one friend from college that I do keep in touch with on a regular basis, but she lives 7 hours away, so I can rarely see her. I just feel so lonely here. My family is amazing and they’re great people, but they’re just so stressed that they’re a little absent-minded as of late, and it feels like I’m talking to a wall when I try to talk to them. I’m sad pretty much 90% of the time, mostly because I’m doing this somewhat alone, though not completely. I probably feel more alone than I actually am, but that still hurts. Even texting doesn’t seem like quite enough on the really bad days. I’m the kind of person that…I just want to be in the company of a good friend, and that by itself tends to make me feel better. I’m really just scared and alone. That’s how I feel right now.

Update

11 Dec

My dad had a PET scan this morning, and he has an appointment with a hem/onc and a rad onc this afternoon. We’ll finally know more…stuff about…things, as in what his treatment situation will be like, and whether or not they got everything out during the surgery. I hope so! My mom will fill me in later today.

I have been so nauseous all week. I’m actually having trouble swallowing food, and then once I swallow it, it seems like it just sits in my chest. Not cool! I don’t want to have the NG tube anymore, but that means I’ll probably have to get the PEG tube again, which I don’t want either. I guess it’s one or the other, though. At least I can stop worrying about weight gain that’s usually associated with school…that’s one way to look at it, I suppose. And…if I get a PEG tube, I can get healthy gross things and not taste it! Ok, I guess it doesn’t have to be so bad…I think…or something. Whatever. I’ve also been having a harder time keeping my pain under control…the past couple days have been pretty intense, but we’ve decided that I’m going to get radiation for the bone mets, and that should help a lot. I hope it does!

In other news, I get to see my family in a few days, yay! I also get to see some of my college friends starting Thursday, woo hoo! 🙂