Tag Archives: god

Where is God?

25 Jul

I can’t see God being a tangible thing or person. I think that since “He’s everywhere” He, therefore, must be everything. The air we breathe, blades of grass, asteroids, maybe even sound. Everything is God and God is everything. With that and using slippery slope logic…we’re all God, so heaven should be rightfully ours.

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I Left.

12 Jul

Last night I went to the ER because I was in so much pain, I was vomiting blood, and I had a ridiculously high fever of 104. They were able to stop the bleeding, reduce the pain, and bring the fever down to 102, but the wanted to admit me. They put me on broad spectrum antibiotics until they figure out exactly what type of infection we’re dealing with here. But you know what I did? I left. I just…walked out. Enough of this crap. I wanted to go home. My friend, Kristi, is coming to visit me today and I wanted it to be a visit at my apartment, so I left. I’ll just take a bunch of Tylenol and hope my fever goes away, I guess, I mean what can you do? And I went to the pharmacy, I have antibiotics that were prescribed, I’ll take those. I want to be in my own bed, puh-lease! For at least a week, damn! Is that too much to ask? Seriously? It’s my birthday this weekend, can’t it please just be good, please?

I really thought I was a goner last night. I panicked. I get annoyed when people try to sell me on bull. I know miracles happen, I’ve been praying for one. But I also know that God created doctors and scientists who come up with medicines, and He made science, and these people are pretty smart. They may not always be right, but they’re right a lot. I hope for the best, but I also prepare for the worst so as not to be caught off guard. Few people will let me talk about it. They keep telling me I’ll be fine, but you know what? I’m not fine. I have a legitimate fear that I will die from this, and I feel like people are invalidating my feelings. Everyone acts like no that could never happen, not to me. I don’t want to die, but maybe I will, maybe I won’t. Hopefully I won’t, but there are two outcomes. I guess this is why I need a counselor. People say that we’re all going to die, and that I’ll die eventually, but I sure wasn’t planning to come this close in my 20s. There’s blood all over my bed. Last night was bad. I wish I knew what God’s bigger plan for me was. Everything is so uncertain right now. I don’t like this constant uncertainty.

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Scripture for this Week

28 Apr

Meditation

18 Apr

I found a saying on which I can meditate. Just repeat this to myself whenever I feel like I need to hear it.

“I declare I will choose faith over fear! I will meditate on what is positive and what is good about my situation. I will use my energy not to worry, but to believe. Fear has no part in my life. I will not dwell on negative, discouraging thoughts. My mind is set on what God says about me. I know His plan for me is success, victory, and abundance. This is my declaration.”

Highs and Lows

20 Mar

I’m getting sick, which SUCKS!! Especially since I have a test Friday and a cruise coming up! I talked to my professors for this test block, though, and I’m getting a few accommodations for this exam, so the stress level is a little lower.

Also, as per my psychologist…I’m not allowed to stay alone anymore. I have to check in with her every night and tell her who I’m staying with, so we’ll see how that goes. -__-

On a lighter note, I aced the physiology miniboard!!! 7 points higher than the national average! That means I get enough bonus points to raise my OS1 grade a whole letter grade!!! I’m pretty sure God took that miniboard for me. I didn’t study for it. I was already mentally prepared to retake it this summer.

Oily Prayers

9 Feb

So…I felt extremely depressed yesterday and last night. Still feeling pretty depressed today. I kinda thought about just ending it. It really wouldn’t be that hard, I mean my body is basically trying to do that for me…I would kind of just have to let it. So having those thoughts so often kinda freaked me out a little, so I tried to call some people…nothing. I got nothing. That was kind of expected because it was super late. And then randomly, one of the 3rd years from my school came back from his out of town rotation and asked if he could come over at like 3AM cuz he knows I just needed a hug. So he came to visit me and stayed until like 6:30 AM, and I think that helped because I was able to fall asleep.

Yesterday, my stomach was hurting so badly, and then later on my head started hurting a lot. My stomach hurts a little less now, but my head is still hurting. It’s a weird kind of pain that I’ve never experienced before and I can’t really explain, even though I had to try. I just feel really strange, and I have no idea how to even begin to explain that. Just outside of myself but all dizzy and like nothing is real. I have like no balance or coordination either, which is why it’s taking an eternity to write this flippin’ post! I need a nap. My counts were too low to get the full doses of chemo meds today, and I got neulasta, which means my everything will be hurting for a while.

This girl really really wants her pastor to pray for me in person…which is fine and all, and I really appreciate it…but like with oil and stuff. Not trying to offend anyone here, but why do I have to get all oily to get prayed for? I honestly don’t think God needs oil to do stuff, but if that’s how her pastor wants to do it, I’m down for whatever. Can’t hurt, right? I mean if God will answer prayers regardless, then the oil is just extra, and I’m not so into all the extra when it comes to prayer and all that. I feel like it can distract from the point of the whole thing, but I mean…I’m sure the man knows what he’s doing. So uh…I’ll be getting oily with her pastor tonight. Wish me luck.

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Quote Shared with Me

6 Feb

“Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones. And when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.”

Victor Hugo, 1802-1885