Tag Archives: happy

Just…No

5 Mar

I can’t talk to anybody without bursting into tears…like I can’t say any words to anyone or have anyone say anything to me without just crying. It seems like all the crappy things just happen at once. My dad’s been really sick, my friend got in a car accident, I didn’t get the research position I applied for, and I haven’t been feeling well, to name a few.

Good things happened, too. I mean I had friends from back home visit me, and I did well on my histology/cell biology miniboard. I got 5 points above the national average, somehow…it was really heavy on cell bio. Light on the histo. I mostly just watched cell bio videos and didn’t study much histo. I got lucky that way. Most people studied the histo because it was explained to us that it would be mostly histo…I just never got around to it.

In spite of these good things happening, I just can’t seem to make myself feel happy. There’s more stuff my mom’s not telling me about my dad. She doesn’t want to stress me out, but I’m stressing out just thinking about what it could be and why she can’t just tell me. I just don’t feel like being around people that much. Mostly because I can’t make myself stop crying, and it’s really awkward. It’s just like…Hi, how are you? Or…How was your weekend? Something really simple, and then I just start crying. I feel like I have nothing to say to anyone. I literally just have nothing to talk about. Nothing interesting, at least. The only thing I can think about is how sad I feel and how crappy I feel all the time. I don’t wanna talk about that and no one wants to hear about that. So I’ve just been sitting around sulking and crying.

One of my professors pretty much dedicated her life to cancer research because her mom died of cancer. I talked to her and she gave me her cell number and told me to call or text her whenever, but like…I don’t really see myself doing that. She also said she was going to check in on me frequently. She said to connect with more people in the class, but like…HOW?!?!?! I try. Doesn’t work. Back to crying and panic attack city. This Ativan is crap.

School Plans

31 Jan

I had some classmates today have a “serious talk” with me. They talked about how they can tell I’m not happy, how my grades are suffering, and that they think I should take time off from school. Now I know they did this in my best interest, or they wouldn’t have taken the time out of their day to say anything at all. They even send me notes, recordings of lectures, and other study materials. They sit down with me to go over things I don’t understand. So this isn’t me being angry with them. However, what they fail to completely understand is that this type and stage of cancer is something that I will probably be on medication for…for the rest of my life. This is something I’m going to have to deal with, and it’s probably not going to get magically cured by next school year or the one after, and then I come back to school and everything’s alright. It being metastatic means basically that I’m going to have to learn to work through it/with it/around it and deal with things with that in mind. Taking time off from school would only mean that I forget what I’ve learned, come back and have to repeat the year, and I will still be on a plethora of medications. If I quit, I would just sit at home being depressed about my life for um…forever. I don’t see that as a solution. Not at all. Plus, I’m definitely not a sit at home kind of girl. Not usually, at least.

So my choice is either I quit (which if you knew me…that is NOT an option), or I just find ways to work with my body so it’s happy(ish) and I still get my work done. That may mean finding new study techniques, since my memory is heading south. But this is what I worked so hard for, and I’m here…right now…and I’m not willing to let that go! I mean…I know I’m stubborn, but that’s partly how I got into medical school in the first place. The application process pretty much calls for it. Medical school has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. The first time I said that I wanted to be a doctor, I was 3 years old. No joke!

So once I explained all of this to them, they decided that if I’m going to stay, I have to do it right. I have to get grades that I’m satisfied with. They’re going to help me do that, and they’ve suggested resources for me that I was actually unaware of. We get to pick our next dissection groups, so they’re going to be my group members. They’ll be more understanding if I can’t make it to lab, and they’ll be willing to catch me up on the material. They’re really good at gross anatomy anyways. One of them is in my community health group, and they’re going to make sure that if I can’t make it to that, that it’s not reflected in my peer evaluations. They’re also going to work with me when it’s more convenient for me (as in when I’m not totally drugged up) as opposed to the schedule that they set before, which was pretty inconvenient for me. Once I get through first year, I have the option of decelerating and doing second year’s material over the course of two years, and that sounds like the best option right now. Less to worry about at once. Less stress. Less time commitment. Second year is a lot more intense anyways, so it seems like a good idea to do the decelerated version. That’s as far in advance as I even want to think right now, because of how quickly things change, but as of right now…that’s the plan.

What Do We Say?

24 Jan

I think my little brother is depressed. I don’t really know what to say to him, either. He’s just…sad. We’re really close, so we used to talk to each other all the time about everything and laugh at stupid stuff together, but now we don’t even know what to say to each other anymore. We hardly talk anymore. When we do it’s awkward. My whole family, really. We try to pretend that things are normal, but I think we overdo it sometimes. Kind of like when people who are secretly kind of racist try to act like they’re not racist, and they wind up coming off as racist because they overdo it. It’s like that. I don’t really know what to do or what to say. I just want him to be happy, and I don’t have any idea what to say to him or if that’s even possible. He’s been just participating in tons of hobbies and hanging out with friends all the time for distraction purposes, I think. But I guess, it’s not enough anymore.

Blowing Sunshine?

13 Jan

I’ve been letting myself feel how I feel recently instead of forcing myself to feel happy and “blow sunshine” as a friend of mine so eloquently put it. Letting myself have some time to feel upset has actually been making all the other days happier. Maybe it’s just by comparison, but either way, I feel happier for it.

I do know I’ve been able to appreciate everything more recently. All the little things have become big things, and then the things that seemed like a big deal before…seem like little things now. My family and I sat down and had the “Advanced Directives” talk again pretty recently. Every one of us expressed our wishes on what we would prefer under certain circumstances, including my little brother (the only one to not have it all in writing…besides the cat, of course). And then…I think to lighten the mood a little, we went into really outrageous and unlikely circumstances, asking what we would do in those cases. Made it less awkward, I think.