Tag Archives: infection

Misery

18 Jul

Well…I have some kind of infection, the doctors haven’t figured out what yet, but they’re thinking a virus because the antibiotics haven’t knocked it out. My temp is still pretty high, and they’re using ice packs for it, and they’re freezing my butt off. I had some seizures, too. I’ve been having some pretty intense bouts of vomiting, and I can’t eat anything by mouth, so I’m on TPN again. I’ve been a little jaundiced, and I’m not having any urine output. Fluid is building up in my lungs, making it hard to breathe. I still don’t know why the stomach pain is so bad or what exactly is causing it now, but they’re giving me morphine every few hours, which is odd because I normally get fentanyl or dilaudid. But they’re pretty much keeping me knocked out all day, because when I wake up, it’s pretty much just miserable. Naturally, my mom freaked out and called a bunch of doctors she knows, and they’re trying to figure out what I have. My family caught a flight and they’re here now. My mom is trying to get me transferred home. Through all this, I did get a guy’s number, though. He was visiting the person next to me and said my smile made his day. That kind of made my day. There was this nurse, though, that would not smile for the life of him! I tried to get him to crack a smile because he just looked so miserable, but he just absolutely would not smile. Oh well. I tried. I called some people today and talked to them for a little while. I wrote some nice notes to people and listened to some music when I wasn’t sleeping. Today was difficult, but I tried to relax.

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I’m Home!!!

22 Apr

Yay! I mean I kinda left AMA, but that’s besides the point. The point being I’m home!! YAY!!! And I’ll take good care of myself and keep taking the antibiotics and yada yada yada, and everything will be fine. I just wanna be in my own bed and nap on my own terms.

Keep Calm and Enjoy 2013

7 Jan

I’ve been thinking about my own mortality a lot recently. Not to be dark and gloomy or anything, but I’m a little scared. I’m sitting here, core body temperature nearly high enough to boil water (kind of an exaggeration), and I realize…I have a serious illness that could kill me. I could die. I could be dead soon. These thoughts start repeating over and over in my head in a variety of different grammatical constructs, but I’ll spare you the superfluousness. Now, this is not the first time I’ve realized this or had these thoughts, but after so many tests, procedures, surgeries, and treatments, those thoughts can fade into the background and randomly resurface on nights like these.

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I have been really stressed out and depressed lately, but thinking back…in my short 22 years of life, the vast majority of them were wonderful and amazing. The ones that weren’t so much so (2012, if we’re naming names) had their amazing parts, as well. I’ve had a very blessed life up to this point. Last year, I graduated college and was accepted into medical school. That’s huge! That’s been my dream for as long as I can consciously remember (NOT an exaggeration).

I talked to my mom today, and she reminded me that a lot of people get depressed this time of year. She’s right. She suggested some things that I do, and her suggestions are always very good. I should take them, but will I? I’m not sure. It depends on how motivated I feel towards doing anything at all.

I talked to a friend of mine, and she pointed out that no one knows how long they have. That seems so obvious now, but it’s something I never really thought about, I guess. I mean, unless you have some kind of life shaking event happen to you or someone close to you, most people tend to take it for granted that tomorrow they’ll wake up and jump right into the daily grind. Anything could happen to anyone at any time, I just get slapped in the face with reminders of my own mortality more frequently, that’s all.

Life is really short. I’ve been really angry and upset about what’s going on in my life right now, and I still am, but right now…in this moment…I can actually have some perspective and focus on all the things that have gone right. There are so many more of those that it just doesn’t seem fair to discount any year as a loss, really. Even though 2013 has not gotten off to a good start by any means, I’m still here to experience it, and that’s half the battle, I guess. I’ll see where this crazy life of mine takes me next.

Excellent.

5 Jan

Aaaaand now I’m getting a respiratory tract infection. Excellent.

They said that one of my medications could cause myelosuppression (bone marrow sucking at it’s job of producing blood cells), and I thought, yeah yeah yeah long list of side effects, blah blah blah…but now I have one of the lamest immune systems I’ve ever had, and I have little purple spots. I’m getting Neupogen, blood products, procrit, antibiotics, etc. Sooooo frustrated…and I’m kind of scared, but mostly just because I’m feeling so alone right now. My dad had a PET scan yesterday. Didn’t get to talk to him to see how that went.

It’s hard to think of anything else at the moment…the nurses or whoever come in every 30 minutes to do or check one thing or another, and then things are beeping and whirring, and the pump will go all crazy when it empties, but I’m trying to “go to my happy place.” I’m feeling a full blown depression coming on…I mean…my hormones and blood levels of pretty much everything are all out of whack, so it could be that. I also no longer live close to any of my friends. Not a single one. So there’s that. You know…in addition to the whole cancer thing. I don’t know…I’m just being all whiny and complaining about everything, but right now I just feel like I need to.

I talked to some people about how I’ve been feeling…emotionally…and I think it just made me feel worse. And they’re supposed to be professionals. 😥  Everything is making me cry. Like…I’ll drop the spoon for my applesauce and burst into tears. Ahh get it together! I do like that I have this outlet to vent. It’s nice, and I like that I don’t always have to pretend to be all “brave” and “strong” and stuff like people keep telling me to be. I can just…say how I feel. Honestly, all those things that people think are encouraging, are really just…annoying. Sorry! I’m trying to have happy moments and live inside of them completely while they last, I just haven’t really had any these past few days.

Starting Out the New Year with a Booooo! :(

1 Jan

I called the doctor, and he had me go to the ER (super lame), and they admitted me (even more lame!) so now I’ve spent Christmas AND New Year’s Eve/Day in the hospital. I’m hoping to get out soon. I would like to be able to go to school still this semester, and it starts…TOMORROW. I know I won’t make it to class tomorrow, but the notes are all online, so that’s fine, but I really would like to be able stay enrolled this semester. I’m still not really sure what’s wrong, but I got some broad spectrum antibiotic for some unidentified infection I suppose, and steroids to reduce swelling in my brain. My sodium levels also got really low, so I got mannitol, too. Fun stuff! Oh, and of course pain medications for pain. Can’t really go wrong with Dilaudid, so that’s how my holiday went. 

Wah! :(

21 Dec

Today was…kind of awful. I just felt really sick all day. I spiked a ridiculous fever, I’ve been vomiting all day long, my stomach has been doing backflips, and the pain is pretty much out of control. I kind of just feel like curling up into the fetal position and crying. It’d be really nice to be able to just sleep all of this off, but it’s really difficult to sleep under the circumstances, and I’m so exhausted!

😦

Early Morning Ouchies

6 Dec

I couldn’t fall asleep until about 2:30 am and then I woke up at 4:30 am with excruciating pain in my jaw. That’s a new one for me. It just won’t go away, and I can’t go to sleep! I’m exhausted and frustrated, and my pain meds aren’t exactly helping too much right now. Not like I want them to, at least. Now, I feel like I understand the babies that cry when they’re tired, but just won’t go to sleep. Also, I don’t even know if this is a symptom of anything. I don’t know if this is something I should be concerned about, or if this is just another random side effect of one of the lovely medications I’m on. Oh, joy -__-. It could even be a non-related thing, who knows? I am going to call and ask, it’s just annoying that I can’t even tell anymore. They all kind of blend together into an indistinguishable blur of crappiness.

In addition, I just got home. This is good. I was planning to stay here. That’s still the plan. However, I seem to be developing a cold or something of the sort, because that’s just how I roll. You know, living on the edge! I’m hoping it stays as a small, normal, manageable cold that I stay home for, blow my nose, get in a few good sneezes, etc. You know…healthy people colds. That’s not how my body tends to react to colds or infections of any sort anymore, but it’s always finding new ways to surprise me, so I hope it can surprise me this time by behaving itself. Go, little immune system, go! I believe in you. =)

I talked to my dad, and he cheered me up! He was talking about the fantasy football league that he and some of the neighbors are in. Sadly, he didn’t make the playoffs this year, but he did win his last game…or something haha. He was bored because he doesn’t like to sit still for too long, so he went to get his watch fixed, and even looked at some new jobs. I was under the impression that he wouldn’t be working right now, but I guess he’s trying to fit in some smaller jobs until he starts treatment. Stave off the boredom until then, I suppose.

That’s all really.

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Ugh…again

24 Sep

Ugh...again

Hospital time for this chick -__-

I had White Coat Ceremony yesterday!

22 Sep

It was fantastic and perfect and amazing and I was feeling quite verklempt!

Too bad I was sooooo wiped out from all the activity yesterday that I couldn’t hardly move afterwards, and I got sick after…stupid infection 😦 I don’t have time for those…didn’t pencil them in.

But was it worth escaping for? ABSOLUTELY!!!

Now, back to the dungeon =/

Ugh…hospital life…

:’( That Is All

22 Sep

New Emotional Low

LEVEL ACHIEVED

I feel like the crappiest crap stuck to the gum on the bottom of Satan’s shoe…

My leg is sooooooo swollen and sore 😦 ouch

Anndddd…I have pharyngitis…again…

It’s only like 8pm…and this day needs to be over, because I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better one. We’ll see.