Tag Archives: life

Helpless

6 Jul

Oh no, I love waking up at 4 AM in excruciating pain and not being able to fall back to sleep. It’s okay, I don’t mind vomiting until I can’t believe that there’d be anything left inside for me to bring up. No, I’m fine with having stage IV cancer with mets that won’t go away, that I won’t just “get over” so I can move on with my life. I don’t mind having to have conversations about Hospice while I’m only 22 years old, before I reach my dream of being a doctor. I know I’m a good person, and I didn’t do anything to anyone. I know that life is so unfair and never will be fair. I know that I lost my friend when she was 23, and she was the strongest person I’ve ever known. She never stopped fighting, and she still died. People die. That’s just how it goes. That’s a side effect of life. I know that my life has been full, so I guess I’ve lived a whole lifetime in these 22 years. I must have, right? Then why do I feel so angry right now? Why do I feel so helpless? Life is not going how I thought it would. I don’t want to hear my parents’ voices crack every time they talk to me. That’s bull, they shouldn’t have to feel this way. I don’t want my little brother to avoid any serious conversation with me. We’re growing apart when we should be coming together. I have to comfort everyone I talk to in some way or another or listen to them tell me things that I know won’t happen. Or they tell me things that make them feel better, and I have no idea what to say. I don’t know what to do. I used to be in control. I used to have my life all planned out, and now it’s all fallen apart. I have some tough choices that I don’t want to make. I just want to be able to sleep right now and not have to think about any of this. I don’t want to have to make this decision. I just want to close my eyes and pretend this isn’t all happening. Fxck Cancer.

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Quote

3 Jul

I Read This Quote:

30 Jan

“It sucks and it’s going to suck, but try not to get so caught up that the good moments become poison too. Hell, if you have a good minute, congratulate yourself. Because, at this point, feeling like yourself even for a minute is magical. Over time, good moments become riddled with evil. In the moments you should be savoring, you spend time wondering how far you’ll fall this time. You feel alone. You realize how much your life has changed. So, what do you do? You pick yourself up and start to rebuild.”

At first I was like…well that’s depressing, but then I realized what they were saying, and it was right. Just thought I’d share.

Keep Calm and Enjoy 2013

7 Jan

I’ve been thinking about my own mortality a lot recently. Not to be dark and gloomy or anything, but I’m a little scared. I’m sitting here, core body temperature nearly high enough to boil water (kind of an exaggeration), and I realize…I have a serious illness that could kill me. I could die. I could be dead soon. These thoughts start repeating over and over in my head in a variety of different grammatical constructs, but I’ll spare you the superfluousness. Now, this is not the first time I’ve realized this or had these thoughts, but after so many tests, procedures, surgeries, and treatments, those thoughts can fade into the background and randomly resurface on nights like these.

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I have been really stressed out and depressed lately, but thinking back…in my short 22 years of life, the vast majority of them were wonderful and amazing. The ones that weren’t so much so (2012, if we’re naming names) had their amazing parts, as well. I’ve had a very blessed life up to this point. Last year, I graduated college and was accepted into medical school. That’s huge! That’s been my dream for as long as I can consciously remember (NOT an exaggeration).

I talked to my mom today, and she reminded me that a lot of people get depressed this time of year. She’s right. She suggested some things that I do, and her suggestions are always very good. I should take them, but will I? I’m not sure. It depends on how motivated I feel towards doing anything at all.

I talked to a friend of mine, and she pointed out that no one knows how long they have. That seems so obvious now, but it’s something I never really thought about, I guess. I mean, unless you have some kind of life shaking event happen to you or someone close to you, most people tend to take it for granted that tomorrow they’ll wake up and jump right into the daily grind. Anything could happen to anyone at any time, I just get slapped in the face with reminders of my own mortality more frequently, that’s all.

Life is really short. I’ve been really angry and upset about what’s going on in my life right now, and I still am, but right now…in this moment…I can actually have some perspective and focus on all the things that have gone right. There are so many more of those that it just doesn’t seem fair to discount any year as a loss, really. Even though 2013 has not gotten off to a good start by any means, I’m still here to experience it, and that’s half the battle, I guess. I’ll see where this crazy life of mine takes me next.

Cool quote

4 Jan

Cool quote.

“I suspect that cancer doesn’t give a rat’s ass whether you have a positive mental attitude. It just sits in there multiplying away, whether you are admirably stoic or weeping and wailing. The only reason to have a positive mental attitude is that it makes life better. It doesn’t cure cancer.”

Who Needs Breasts, Anyway?  by Molly Ivins, 2002, Time 

Quote

Light in the Darkness

28 Dec

“I know it’s so easy to focus on your struggles, to let them submerge your mind, surround your day with hallow negativity, and restrain you from seeing beauty. I know what it’s like to want to lay in bed all day, and not face the day. But pain is inevitable, misery is optional. Fight for your happiness, realize you deserve it. We complicate our life so much and it’s exhausting. Be grateful for all that is going right, focus on that and trust in the universe to aid you with endurance. Never let yourself forget that there is always light in the darkness.”

Things I’m Grateful For

27 Dec
  1. Music
  2. Jordan T.
  3. Cell phones
  4. Social media sites
  5. Popsicles
  6. Plastic
  7. Stainless steel
  8. No cable bill last September
  9. Google and Wikipedia
  10. External hard drives
  11. Headphones
  12. Oxygen masks and portable oxygen tanks
  13. Dr. W’s anatomy question book
  14. Alarm clocks
  15. One semester of medical school down
  16. Juice boxes
  17. Tests going better than I expected
  18. Practice questions
  19. Dry erase boards
  20. Phone calls from my mom
  21. Bug spray
  22. Classmates that cook
  23. Good movies
  24. The Internet
  25. 2nd year tutor who explains things EXACTLY the way that you understand them
  26. Compliments
  27. Classmates always offering to help you ❤
  28. Dr. H and the AWESOME way she explains things
  29. Fridays, Weekends, and Independent Study Days
  30. Lectures with no testable information
  31. My NGUNS bracelet that Kayla sent me ❤
  32. Randi’s Cranes for Hope (I got 1000 origami cranes!)
  33. Handwritten letters
  34. Youtube videos explaining scientific things
  35. Kittens…fuzzy kittens
  36. Painkillers
  37. Applesauce
  38. Friends that visit
  39. Blood donors
  40. Nurses
  41. Blinds that close all the way
  42. Hospital gowns that close in the back
  43. My new PEG tube (believe it or not)
  44. Ru Sans
  45. My dad visiting me this past semester
  46. That it could always be worse
  47. That I don’t have all of the diseases I learn about in school
  48. Space heaters
  49. Getting into med school, because duh, life dream!
  50. I’m ALIVE!
  51. Someone to talk to on the phone every night
  52. Alex and her puppy Remi
  53. Cookies baked from scratch
  54. Jeff for always being there and saying things like, “We’re family!”
  55. My family

Positivity Challenge: Complete

Goal: not really reached, but these past few weeks have been kinda sucky, so whatever.

That being said, Life is precious. Don’t let it pass you by. That’s all.

After Further Review…

20 Dec

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Thinking about it…I’m glad Ricky stopped treatment. It was making him miserable, and the result would have ultimately been the same, but slower and much less enjoyable than the way he spent it. Even though I wish he were here still, I’m glad he’s now cancer free. And yes, my life is kind of “$*#^@&*&%@” right now, if you will, and I feel kind of miserable most days, but in the grand scheme of things…at least I still have it. It just takes situations like this to put all of that into perspective I guess.

I’m glad I got my mom to open up to me…the challenge will be getting my dad to open up. He’s never been a big talker, and NOT a sharer of feelings. I know he’s got to be scared, and I don’t want him to be (though that’s impossible, it’s what I want)! I feel like if he can say how he feels and just feel it, maybe…I don’t know, maybe it would help him, too. He hasn’t talked to anyone about how he FEELS about any of this; only about what’s happening. Facts. Such a guy. I just don’t know how to start that conversation with him besides saying, “So daddy, how do you really feeeeel?” And that’s awkward, because we usually talk about basketball, football, sheetrock (??), electronics, kung fu movies, I dunno 2 x 4, table saws and stuff lol.

WTF?!

16 Dec

Found out today that my dad has a brain tumour…

What else? Seriously? WTF?!?!

Note to Self

Never ask what next, because now my cat vomited in my bed. All on my sheets and pillows and everything.

This is something I already knew, but can’t seem to stop doing. Ugh.

And life…boo, you whore!

I had White Coat Ceremony yesterday!

22 Sep

It was fantastic and perfect and amazing and I was feeling quite verklempt!

Too bad I was sooooo wiped out from all the activity yesterday that I couldn’t hardly move afterwards, and I got sick after…stupid infection 😦 I don’t have time for those…didn’t pencil them in.

But was it worth escaping for? ABSOLUTELY!!!

Now, back to the dungeon =/

Ugh…hospital life…