Tag Archives: lonely

Chemotherapy Today

18 Aug

 So, I had chemo today. It was kind of not a good experience, because I was already throwing up and feeling so weak last night that I couldn’t really make it to the bathroom. My aide came in the morning to help out and she took me to chemo, where I got lots of fluids. I keep getting so dehydrated. I don’t mean to let that happen, I just can’t keep anything down. I got a new medicine that should help me be able to eat, it came in the mail the other day, so hopefully that help with the dehydration, too.

I feel really weird that the nurses have to put on all this gear just to administer this medicine, and it’s going straight into my veins. Like, that can’t be safe, right? I don’t know how much hope I have that this trial is going to work. Certainly not as much as some of the people around me, but they have to have hope for me. It’s all they can do. And this is the last thing we’re trying, so everyone is kind of placing their eggs in one basket if you know what I mean.

I just want a chance to feel normal, and this trial can take up to a year. A year of this is certainly not going to be normal. Not even close. Maybe I’ll get used to it, and maybe the side effects will stop being so bad, but I have a feeling that as the toxicity builds up, it’ll be the other way around. I really want to be able to finish school, and I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I’m already feeling like I can’t do it. I’m already doubting myself. I’m also starting to feel like maybe I won’t make it to graduation, so maybe all of this is pointless. Maybe I’m just overthinking things, but I really don’t have anyone to talk to about these things. Not in person at least. I don’t have a lot of support here where I am, so it feels like I’m doing this by myself sometimes. That’s a really lonely feeling. I’m trying to push through, but there’s only so much I can do, and I don’t exactly know when it’s time to stop, but I don’t know if I will. How do you know something like that? I do want to stop. Kind of. I also don’t.I have been thinking about dying a lot. I’m scared that it will hurt. I’m scared that I’ll miss things. Important things. My brother just turned 18. He wants to go into the Marines, and then he wants to become a police officer. I wonder how much of that I’ll get to be a part of. It’s hard with this uncertainty always hanging over my head. I try to stay in the present, but how can I? I’ve been planning for my future my whole life, and now it might be taken away. That hurts. I’ve wanted to be a doctor for so long, but the process just takes so incredibly long, that I may not see the end of it. People keep suggesting alternative treatments and diets to me, or eating soursop and all of that, but I can’t even eat, I can’t change my diet much, because I can’t even figure out what stays down in the first place! My classmates are going out to eat, having parties, and doing all of this fun stuff, and I’m unable to participate in the majority of it. It just doesn’t seem fair. I know that life isn’t fair, but…you can’t help wanting it to be.

I should really get back to studying now. I have to study for microbiology, pharmacology, pathology, and I don’t think I have much to do for fundamentals of medicine, but I do want to see if I can get to reading some more of Robbins. It’s hard to do today. It’s hard to concentrate, because I’m just so tired, and I feel so sick to my stomach. I found out one of my friends from when I was younger got married and had a baby. She has two kids now. A lot of my friends are getting engaged, married, and having kids. I’m just sitting here having cancer. A lot of my classmates are getting engaged, too. I’m happy for them, but every time one of them gets engaged, it just reminds me of how lonely I am. I know I’m rambling, and the flow of this entry makes little sense, but that’s what I need right now. Just to vent in whatever way I want. Like I said before, I’m not a write. This isn’t article quality. Just some random thoughts of a sick student. I keep wishing life were different. I keep thinking how different they’d be if I were healthy right now. How good my grades would be, and how much easier it would be to make friends. Maybe I would even be asked on a date. Who knows. I can’t keep living in “what ifs.” It only makes things worse.

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Good News!!

19 Apr

Ok, today seemed like a complete failure at first. I talked to my friend at school. I was getting there and it wasn’t raining. As soon as I stepped outside, BAM rained all over me. Poured rain. I was soaked and cold. They keep it freezing in that building, too. But when I got inside, my dad texted me that he just wanted to tell me he loves me <3.

Anyways, she gave me the advice of picking a scripture a week to go by that applies and really speaks to me that week. This week, I’ll go with that declaration I posted. Next week, I’ll go with a scripture. She also told me to pick one goal for each week and just focus on that one thing. This week, I’m going to try not to be irritable with my friends. I’ve been doing that, and I don’t want to. That’s not me. So, I’m going to consciously make an effort not to do that. We talked for about an hour and a half. She has anxiety, too, and was telling me how she copes with everything, that I’m not alone, and that more people deal with these kinds of things than I know. She said she was glad I talked to her and to talk to her anytime. That helped a lot. Plus I got the grade back for my exam that I took yesterday. I passed! I got a 74!! Not too shabby.

Also, my dad gave me good news! I talked to my daddy just now, and he said that his doctor said it looks like everything is gone!! Woohoo!!!! He had an MRI and it showed that he was all clear, and in 6 weeks, he’ll get a PET scan. YAY!!!!! Best news I’ve heard in a very long time. Maybe ever. Yeah…ever.

So in conclusion, today is not a failure. I may still be crying today. I may still feel lonely. I may still be in physical pain. But today is also good.

Days Like These Are the Loneliest

17 Apr

There’s a really long exam tomorrow, which means I’m here with nothing to do (except study, which I’m clearly not) and no one to talk to, because they’re all actually studying. All alone. And it’s beautiful outside. It’s always beautiful outside the day before an exam. The weather taunts me sometimes.

Friday makes one year since my friend died. That’s also the day my dad gets his PET scan to basically see if the treatment worked. That’s the day after my exam, so I feel like once it’s over, I still can’t even relax. Then, the following Wednesday, I have an Anatomy/Embryology miniboard exam. Nope…no relaxing for me. At first, I thought it might be good…take my mind off of the recent bad news that I received. But I still can’t stop thinking about it, so now I can’t even study. I’m probably going to fail this exam.

I don’t know what to do, and I’m just feeling really lonely. I know I should be studying like everyone else, but I feel really mentally fatigued, and my classmates don’t get it. I mean I’m glad they don’t have to understand, but still…they don’t understand. My friend that died last April…she would have understood perfectly, I’m sure. She’s pretty much the reason I don’t give up completely.

Scared and Alone

23 Jan

In college, I had good friends that I could count on. A (co-ed) fraternity full of them, in fact! Now that I graduated, I live in a different city, and they’re all so far away. I don’t talk to too many of them anymore, and I don’t really have any friends here. Most people check up on me every once in a while, but it’s usually a text asking how I’m doing, and once I answer, then they feel they’ve satisfied their duty as a friend for a few weeks, and I don’t hear from them for a while. Maybe they just think I’m too busy to talk or that I want to be left alone, but I don’t, and I’ve tried to express that. Maybe I’m being too needy, expecting too much of people that have their own things going on right now. I mean, I probably am, but it’s just how I feel, and it’s hard to change that. I have one friend from college that I do keep in touch with on a regular basis, but she lives 7 hours away, so I can rarely see her. I just feel so lonely here. My family is amazing and they’re great people, but they’re just so stressed that they’re a little absent-minded as of late, and it feels like I’m talking to a wall when I try to talk to them. I’m sad pretty much 90% of the time, mostly because I’m doing this somewhat alone, though not completely. I probably feel more alone than I actually am, but that still hurts. Even texting doesn’t seem like quite enough on the really bad days. I’m the kind of person that…I just want to be in the company of a good friend, and that by itself tends to make me feel better. I’m really just scared and alone. That’s how I feel right now.

“What a weary time those years were — to have the desire and the need to live but not the ability.”

2 Jan

I found out that my Aunt’s breast cancer came back, and I also found out that my friend’s little brother’s cancer came back in his shoulder. He has osteosarcoma. It’s like everywhere I look it’s freaking cancer, and it won’t leave me, or anyone else alone. Usually I can have a pretty good attitude about stuff like this, or at least an okay one, but seriously, this is becoming just too much. Sometimes I can pretend to be okay long enough to fool myself into thinking that it doesn’t really bother me, but that’s really not working anymore. I have a therapist and social worker and everything to talk to, but I feel like they’re just frustrating me now. They’re saying all the textbook things to say, but they’ve never had cancer. I mean I would never wish for them to or anything, but I feel like they don’t get it. And I know that I’m going to die, I know what stage IV metastatic RCC means…I see the people at the weekly infusions slowly stop coming, or the people that I talk to at support groups or at the infusion center die, and I just have to wonder when that will be me. I’m feeling really discouraged. Like what’s the point in even trying if I know what’s going to happen? I’m lonely here anyways. I just want all of this to be over. Like now.

Rambling On…

28 Dec

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They’ve actually decided not to have my dad treated at Moffitt, but he’s going to basically use the protocol suggested there, and be treated closer to home. We need all the prayer we can get right now. For one, all of this is really confusing with different doctors suggesting different things, and then it’s also really stressful and scary. I’m just trying to hold it together. It’s really hard to tell my parents exactly how much everything hurts or how scared I am, I don’t want to make them sad or nervous or anything, when at the same time I know that they want to know. And then I feel like my parents are always somewhere else in their heads…and rightfully so, but it’s hard to talk to them sometimes and feel like I’m getting their full attention. This whole thing just seems very isolating, because my little brother has been avoiding everyone a bit, and people are just kind of frustrating me for one reason or another. I don’t really know if it’s me or them to be honest. It could be me. I could very well just be irritable. I can’t really tell. Either way…my CT scans came back, and it showed more growth since the last scan, so the Votrient wasn’t quite doing the trick, so hopefully the Inlyta and Zanosar work, and my weight dipped down into the double digits during this last hospital stay, so I have to try to get it back up quickly…somehow…without consuming too many carbs or too much glucose in general since tumors feed off of that. Mission Impossible! Glucerna straight into my PEG tube, maybe?