Tag Archives: medical student

Chemotherapy Today

18 Aug

 So, I had chemo today. It was kind of not a good experience, because I was already throwing up and feeling so weak last night that I couldn’t really make it to the bathroom. My aide came in the morning to help out and she took me to chemo, where I got lots of fluids. I keep getting so dehydrated. I don’t mean to let that happen, I just can’t keep anything down. I got a new medicine that should help me be able to eat, it came in the mail the other day, so hopefully that help with the dehydration, too.

I feel really weird that the nurses have to put on all this gear just to administer this medicine, and it’s going straight into my veins. Like, that can’t be safe, right? I don’t know how much hope I have that this trial is going to work. Certainly not as much as some of the people around me, but they have to have hope for me. It’s all they can do. And this is the last thing we’re trying, so everyone is kind of placing their eggs in one basket if you know what I mean.

I just want a chance to feel normal, and this trial can take up to a year. A year of this is certainly not going to be normal. Not even close. Maybe I’ll get used to it, and maybe the side effects will stop being so bad, but I have a feeling that as the toxicity builds up, it’ll be the other way around. I really want to be able to finish school, and I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I’m already feeling like I can’t do it. I’m already doubting myself. I’m also starting to feel like maybe I won’t make it to graduation, so maybe all of this is pointless. Maybe I’m just overthinking things, but I really don’t have anyone to talk to about these things. Not in person at least. I don’t have a lot of support here where I am, so it feels like I’m doing this by myself sometimes. That’s a really lonely feeling. I’m trying to push through, but there’s only so much I can do, and I don’t exactly know when it’s time to stop, but I don’t know if I will. How do you know something like that? I do want to stop. Kind of. I also don’t.I have been thinking about dying a lot. I’m scared that it will hurt. I’m scared that I’ll miss things. Important things. My brother just turned 18. He wants to go into the Marines, and then he wants to become a police officer. I wonder how much of that I’ll get to be a part of. It’s hard with this uncertainty always hanging over my head. I try to stay in the present, but how can I? I’ve been planning for my future my whole life, and now it might be taken away. That hurts. I’ve wanted to be a doctor for so long, but the process just takes so incredibly long, that I may not see the end of it. People keep suggesting alternative treatments and diets to me, or eating soursop and all of that, but I can’t even eat, I can’t change my diet much, because I can’t even figure out what stays down in the first place! My classmates are going out to eat, having parties, and doing all of this fun stuff, and I’m unable to participate in the majority of it. It just doesn’t seem fair. I know that life isn’t fair, but…you can’t help wanting it to be.

I should really get back to studying now. I have to study for microbiology, pharmacology, pathology, and I don’t think I have much to do for fundamentals of medicine, but I do want to see if I can get to reading some more of Robbins. It’s hard to do today. It’s hard to concentrate, because I’m just so tired, and I feel so sick to my stomach. I found out one of my friends from when I was younger got married and had a baby. She has two kids now. A lot of my friends are getting engaged, married, and having kids. I’m just sitting here having cancer. A lot of my classmates are getting engaged, too. I’m happy for them, but every time one of them gets engaged, it just reminds me of how lonely I am. I know I’m rambling, and the flow of this entry makes little sense, but that’s what I need right now. Just to vent in whatever way I want. Like I said before, I’m not a write. This isn’t article quality. Just some random thoughts of a sick student. I keep wishing life were different. I keep thinking how different they’d be if I were healthy right now. How good my grades would be, and how much easier it would be to make friends. Maybe I would even be asked on a date. Who knows. I can’t keep living in “what ifs.” It only makes things worse.

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Celebrate With Me!

17 May

I finished my OS3 Exam 3 parts 2 and 3 today!! All done with in-house exams, woohoo!!! Now I just have a neurobio miniboard next Tuesday and a cumulative miniboard next Friday. One…More…Week…I can do this!

I got my anatomy miniboard score back, and I did really well! I didn’t get the raw score back yet, but I’m getting an 85.75% for it, so I got above the national average 🙂 and it brought my OS2 final grade up to a B, holla!!

Almost…Done…

18 Apr

My exam is over, but now I have an anatomy/embryology miniboard on Tuesday. I just really don’t feel like studying anymore ever. Senioritis in my 1st year…this is great. Can it be summer now? 4 more tests to go, yay -__-

Med School Has Taught Me How I Learn

28 Feb

I’m not very visual at all…show me a diagram and I’ll stare at it like…so is this in your body or…? I could read a passage and not remember a thing. If someone else reads me the passage, I could go teach it lol. Not a good thing for med school which is so self-directed…until DAH DAH!! Videos. I LOVE videos! What an amazing human being who decided they were a good idea. God Bless Them.

Why I Love the Body

22 Feb

The human body is legitimately disgusting, but…I feel like that’s the “cool” thing about it, though. Cool, I guess, in the way that elementary school boys like slime and dirt and stuff. I like the way the body compensates for things that can go awry, or the way it defends itself against attacks from invading pathogens. It’s pretty much like an epic “300” style battle scene all the time in there that we never really see or pay attention to until we get sick. That’s when most people really start to appreciate all the work the body does behind the scenes. Kinda like when I have low blood counts and then notice how many infections I used to fight off without realizing it. Stuff like that. Plus, bacteria are tricky little devils that are always trying to 1-up us! So rude!!

So…I passed that test!

30 Jan

Just barely, but I did. Now I feel like a freaking genius! And I was starting to wonder why this school even let me in…but really, though, those exam questions were so relevant to things going on in my actual life right now, that not studying very much didn’t hurt me as much as I thought it was about to. YEAH!

And that’s pretty much the only time this crap has ever really come in handy. Who knew I was studying this whole time? It’s called “experiential learning,” guys! Kinda showed them how it’s done.

But for real, though…I can’t get that behind again. I don’t think I’m gonna get that lucky with test questions ever again. That must have been a prayer thing, I’m sure.

I have a test on Tuesday, I’m super behind, and I feel too awful to really study!

28 Jan

I’m really attempting to study, I swear.

I don’t really wanna have it pushed back because I have 2 miniboard exams and OS2 exam 2 after that…plus a community health assignment. I knew all of this was coming up, and I’ve been over here like:

And here you see my poor, defenseless GPA, as OS2 only has 2 tests…

This has been a freakout. End of transmission.

Link

The Bullying Culture of Medical School

27 Jan

The Bullying Culture of Medical School

They had a talk on this for us a while back. They were like bullying is wrong, and if you feel bullied, you can report it. Remember, though, that if you report it, your school can lose accreditation, and that’s the last thing you want. Also remember that you will not remain anonymous, because we will have to get everyone’s side of the story. In addition, what you perceive as bullying may not actually be bullying. You may just be more sensitive than others. She kept calling it “student’s perception of bullying/abuse” rather than just saying bullying/abuse. The whole talk left our class feeling worse about what was to come than when the talk started. They told us to develop a thick skin. -__-