Tag Archives: mental-health

Hi

19 Sep

Sorry for my absence. I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed, and I’ve been extremely tired. I’ve had a really hard time getting out of my bed, and I’ve missed my last 2 chemo appointments due to low blood counts that won’t seem to stay up anymore. I have had my exam week for school, and am not sure how much longer I can continue doing this. It’s been rough. I’ve spent much more time asleep than awake, and I’m strongly considering moving back home as I don’t think I can handle school anymore. This has made me pretty deeply depressed, and I’ve kind of withdrawn from talking to people a little bit. I’m really not sure how much more I can take, and I just want this all to be over.

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Aside

I’m Not Going

29 Aug

I’m not going to school tomorrow. I’m not going to get out of my bed. I’m just gonna stay here and wallow in self pity. Just for one day, and then see what to do from there.

Aside

Crap

25 Aug

I’m out of Ambien. How will I sleep now?

Someone Wrote This About Me

25 Aug

I know a 23 year old girl who has been declared disabled. She has had several types of cancer. She is weak and always sick. She coughs up blood. She is thin and can not eat solid foods. She visits the ER at least every 3 days to get blood and fluids and meds and nutrition to keep her alive. She has every right to give up on life. She is in pain all the time. She has been like this for over a year now. The doctors told her she has a less than 10% chance of surviving what she has.…

Do you know what she did last week? She started her next year in medical school. After her first day of school, she ended up in the ER to get blood. She then went home and started reading a required text that will likely take her most of the year to read. After the third day of school, she had to call an ambulance to go to the ER. She was coughing up blood and choking on it. She had procedures and then went back home late that night. She managed to get to school the next day. She still drives herself. She wants to be a doctor, and she is not giving up on that dream. She thinks everyday that this may be her last day. She is scared. She is in great pain. But, she is not giving up. 

It’s strange to think that I inspire people. It’s a weird feeling because I don’t know that I’m doing it. All I try to do is get through each day. When people tell me that they feel inspired by me or that I’m so strong, I usually end up feeling awkward. But somehow, this struck me. It showed me how by doing what I do, it can actually mean something. That motivates me to keep going even when it seems impossible. Thank you for believing in me. I will try not to let you down.

Life is Tearing Me Down.

24 Aug

I can’t catch a break. I need to just breathe, and I can’t even have a moment. Everything just keeps happening. I feel like I’m not allowed to complain, but I want to scream. My body is giving up on me, I can feel it. Today was an awful day. it’s really not fair. I don’t like to ask why me or anything like that, but seriously? Why is all of this happening? I can’t deal with this. It’s too much. Also, I don’t really have a support group here. My one back at college is diminishing, too, because everyone is graduating and going off to different places. I have nowhere where I can go back to and say, “This is home. This is where my people are.” I don’t have a place like that. I don’t have a physical group of support people here where I am…not really. Not like I had in college. I have people to take notes and record lectures for me, and that’s great, I appreciate that. But, I don’t have people to talk to and say, “I’m having a tough time.” I don’t even have a therapist anymore. I’ve been in the hospital so much this summer. And what if this is the last year I’ll be able to stay in school? I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next week or month. I can’t even plan for my future like I used to. What if I don’t have one? I feel like giving up everyday, but I said I wouldn’t. I wear that promise on my wrist everyday, so I know I can’t, but it’s so hard. I don’t know how to deal with this.

Chemotherapy Today

18 Aug

 So, I had chemo today. It was kind of not a good experience, because I was already throwing up and feeling so weak last night that I couldn’t really make it to the bathroom. My aide came in the morning to help out and she took me to chemo, where I got lots of fluids. I keep getting so dehydrated. I don’t mean to let that happen, I just can’t keep anything down. I got a new medicine that should help me be able to eat, it came in the mail the other day, so hopefully that help with the dehydration, too.

I feel really weird that the nurses have to put on all this gear just to administer this medicine, and it’s going straight into my veins. Like, that can’t be safe, right? I don’t know how much hope I have that this trial is going to work. Certainly not as much as some of the people around me, but they have to have hope for me. It’s all they can do. And this is the last thing we’re trying, so everyone is kind of placing their eggs in one basket if you know what I mean.

I just want a chance to feel normal, and this trial can take up to a year. A year of this is certainly not going to be normal. Not even close. Maybe I’ll get used to it, and maybe the side effects will stop being so bad, but I have a feeling that as the toxicity builds up, it’ll be the other way around. I really want to be able to finish school, and I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I’m already feeling like I can’t do it. I’m already doubting myself. I’m also starting to feel like maybe I won’t make it to graduation, so maybe all of this is pointless. Maybe I’m just overthinking things, but I really don’t have anyone to talk to about these things. Not in person at least. I don’t have a lot of support here where I am, so it feels like I’m doing this by myself sometimes. That’s a really lonely feeling. I’m trying to push through, but there’s only so much I can do, and I don’t exactly know when it’s time to stop, but I don’t know if I will. How do you know something like that? I do want to stop. Kind of. I also don’t.I have been thinking about dying a lot. I’m scared that it will hurt. I’m scared that I’ll miss things. Important things. My brother just turned 18. He wants to go into the Marines, and then he wants to become a police officer. I wonder how much of that I’ll get to be a part of. It’s hard with this uncertainty always hanging over my head. I try to stay in the present, but how can I? I’ve been planning for my future my whole life, and now it might be taken away. That hurts. I’ve wanted to be a doctor for so long, but the process just takes so incredibly long, that I may not see the end of it. People keep suggesting alternative treatments and diets to me, or eating soursop and all of that, but I can’t even eat, I can’t change my diet much, because I can’t even figure out what stays down in the first place! My classmates are going out to eat, having parties, and doing all of this fun stuff, and I’m unable to participate in the majority of it. It just doesn’t seem fair. I know that life isn’t fair, but…you can’t help wanting it to be.

I should really get back to studying now. I have to study for microbiology, pharmacology, pathology, and I don’t think I have much to do for fundamentals of medicine, but I do want to see if I can get to reading some more of Robbins. It’s hard to do today. It’s hard to concentrate, because I’m just so tired, and I feel so sick to my stomach. I found out one of my friends from when I was younger got married and had a baby. She has two kids now. A lot of my friends are getting engaged, married, and having kids. I’m just sitting here having cancer. A lot of my classmates are getting engaged, too. I’m happy for them, but every time one of them gets engaged, it just reminds me of how lonely I am. I know I’m rambling, and the flow of this entry makes little sense, but that’s what I need right now. Just to vent in whatever way I want. Like I said before, I’m not a write. This isn’t article quality. Just some random thoughts of a sick student. I keep wishing life were different. I keep thinking how different they’d be if I were healthy right now. How good my grades would be, and how much easier it would be to make friends. Maybe I would even be asked on a date. Who knows. I can’t keep living in “what ifs.” It only makes things worse.

First Day of School

12 Aug

So my first day back went pretty well. It was just orientation, so nothing difficult. It was SO tiring, though. I could sleep a thousand sleeps right now. Imagine when the lectures actually start…as in tomorrow! I have a fever and a headache, though. We got the lecture packets for the next 2 days for if we wanted to be gunners and pre-read. So…pew pew! I registered again with the office of student disabilities. I got my home health aide back, because I’ll need her in the evenings and on weekends because I’ll be tired and because of chemo and stuff. It’s kinda kicking my butt a little. It’s rougher than I thought it would be. I still haven’t figured out a way to get nutrition either. I got a waiver for my Hep B shot, since I can’t have shots like that right now. I called the company that mails me some of my medications, and apparently, my doctor never sent in one of my scripts yet, so I’ll have to call her tomorrow. It’s storming really hard right now. It stormed hard while we were in class, too, and knocked the power out for a second. I’m a little nervous about this school year. Looking at the packets and the books, it’s going to be really hard. They said so, too. I don’t know if I can really do this or if I was just kidding myself. I mean I know I could if I was healthy, but…I’m not. I’ll try my best, though. I’m in too deep to quit now!

So Here’s What I Did…

10 Aug

I hightailed it over to ATL where the trial is so that I can stop sitting around here feeling sorry for myself. Moping is against medical advice. I can actually DO something about my health now. I know I’m technically not really exactly supposed to be driving, but what’s the worst that can happen, right? I made it here safely. Plus, school starts Monday, and I HAD to be here for that. I hate missing school, and it gives me something to think about instead of sitting around having a pity party. My parents didn’t know I left until I got here. They were PISSED, OMG! But since I made it safely and I’m 8 hours away, there’s not much they can really do about it now besides yell at me over the phone. I can handle that. They’ll get over it…I hope. So now…I start the clinical trial tomorrow, and this is the best way it’ll match up with my school schedule, so I shouldn’t have to miss much school. I’ll be on Sunitinib (Sutent™) and Gemcitabine (Gemzar™) together…we’ll see how this goes.

Still Dreaming

9 Aug

Last night I didn’t sleep very well. I slept on and off for a while, then was woken up at 5 AM and couldn’t go back to sleep because of the pain. Then, I slept on and off unintentionally all day. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, I know it, so I need to sleep well tonight. Hopefully my Ambien and Benadryl will kick in well tonight. While I did sleep, though, I had some strange dreams.

  1. In one dream, I was a nurse and I was new. I was teaching other nurses how the computer system worked. That dream was short and relatively normal.
  2. In another dream…I can’t even explain it properly. Me and several other people were all pretending to be one hillbilly and performing for a crowd with mud, trucks, horses, and this big wooden structure. Then we had to take care of the mud before our next performance, which some of the girls turned into babies and we all became gay. Then these Korean people showed the crowd that there were like six of us. Some people left, many stayed and thought it was beautiful. Then we danced ballet in the mud.
  3. I also had a dream that I was watching Supernatural while trying to simultaneously elicit and avoid a chemokine-induced shark attack in my bedroom on the second floor with mint leaves. I was terrified. I was also getting better cell phone service in the jungles of Haiti than out in the open in the cities. I don’t even watch Supernatural. I’ve never been to Haiti. The shark thing is just weird. I was doing that with my brother’s friend. The whole thing was strange.

 I swear I’d win a weirdest dream contest.

Giving it a Go

1 Aug

I was so scared to tell my parents about my depression and now I wish I would have told them sooner. I don’t know exactly what I was scared of. They’re my parents, they love me. They have been nothing but supportive. I felt like I had to keep it inside so that nobody would think that I can’t handle medical school, because I can. I don’t want to quit school or anything. I was afraid people would make me take a leave from being sick and depressed and thinking I wasn’t capable of finishing out the year. But I did finish, and with pretty good grades. 2 A’s, 3 B’s and a C. I think that’s pretty darn good given the circumstances. Now that 2nd year is about to start, people are starting to doubt my ability to power through again. I’m kind of doubting it, too, but only slightly. I’m still going to give it one hell of a go and pray for the best. I won’t let anything stop me, I’ve wanted this for too long.