Tag Archives: mom

My Date

3 Sep

My date didn’t go as planned. It was raining, so we couldn’t go to the zoo. I suggested the aquarium, but then he said he couldn’t stay very long. I also was not feeling very well, so we just relaxed and had some tea. I didn’t get to know too much more about him, and it feels like it didn’t last long enough. It may have felt that way regardless of how long it was, though. Overall, I think it was a success, though. I say this because he wants to try for either the zoo or aquarium again next Sunday. So that’s gotta be good news, right? It didn’t come up about the cancer, so I didn’t tell him, but it came up when I saw him at school today, so I told him. He didn’t seem like he wanted to run away, so that was good. He just told me that everything is going to be okay. I wish I could believe that, but I’ll let him believe that.

 I also met this other guy, and he came over the other day. I really like him. His mom is a breast cancer survivor, and me being sick doesn’t scare him away. That’s what I’m always most worried about. Time will tell whether that’s the case or not, but I’d like to think that it’s going to work out. He said he would like to come to chemo with me and my doctor’s appointments if I would let him. He’s really sweet and has been texting me really nice things.

My parents and my little brother visited this past weekend. I enjoyed their company. It was good to have them around. Especially my little brother. I didn’t think he was going to come, but I’m so glad that he did. We’re pretty much best friends.

Big Steps

15 Mar

I talked to my mom yesterday, and she asked me if I remembered to call this guy to give him advice about getting into medical school. She asked me to do this a little while back right in the middle of exam week when I was doing regular and make-up exams. I told her that I forgot to call him, because I honestly just forgot. Then she got all mad at me and started saying all these awful things about me. I started crying because I had called her to tell her about the GI bleed and about me being depressed and seeing the psychiatrist. Obviously, I couldn’t do that now, so I just told her I’d talk to her later. That really upset me…a lot. So then today I called her to try again, and I did. I told her about both. She and I talked for about 2 hours, and she said if I were her patient and said all that, she’d put me on Zoloft, so she’s actually taking my complaints seriously this time. She usually gives me the “anyone in your situation” or “it’s the winter/lack of sun” or “medical school stress” speech. She told me she agrees with me going ahead and seeing the psychiatrist. So, that’s definitely a huge step. I’m also home from the hospital now, which is another step, and I plan to participate in Relay for Life tomorrow if I can.

Had Surgery Wednesday…

15 Feb

Same day as my surgery…that same afternoon, my mom ripped me a new one. Yep same day. Not just yelled at…my mom decided it was a good idea to tell me all the reasons she thinks I don’t have many friends here. All the reasons why people wouldn’t like me. A laundry list of things that suck about me. Then she compared me to my brother and talked about how he has no trouble making friends and I should be more like him. Then she complained about my grades (um duh! I’m distracted, of course I’m getting C’s, but at least I’m passing), and she said that I couldn’t be a doctor if I was depressed and being on depression medication will slow me down in trying to get into residency programs (which wouldn’t happen for another 3 years from now), but she just really felt like saying some more hurtful stuff. And of course I was in pain and feeling super sensitive about everything, so I really couldn’t do anything but cry while she said all this stuff, and then she said I was too sensitive and the way I deal with frustration is by crying, and that’s probably really off-putting to people. I love my mom and all, but I kinda forgot how mean she could be sometimes. I already knew she didn’t sugar coat anything, but she says some stuff that’s really unnecessary to say, too. I’m sure she said it all out of frustration and stress and everything, but I personally don’t think that’s any excuse.

I feel like all the energy and patience that I had…or sometimes just pretended to have while I was out…has been zapped. How tired can you possibly get? Not just physically, but emotionally. If I get hungry/thirsty/have to go to the bathroom…I don’t even have the energy to drag myself out of the bed to do anything about it. I don’t even want to. I don’t even have the energy to turn on the television or pick up a book. I just kind of have been staring at stuff and dozing off when I’m not on here. This is why my grades are suffering. I don’t really study much, and uh…duh! You can’t pass medical school that way! It’s just that everything seems like so much of an effort. Not sure if that’s fatigue, depression, or both. But being sleepy all the time beats steroid-induced insomnia any day!

They’re telling me we have to do a research project this summer. This is my last summer off that I ever get…ever! I don’t wanna do anything!!! I’m so tired. I just wanna stare at the back of my eyelids. But…since they’re making me do stuff >_< I applied to the in-house research program. Nothing out of state, that’d be pretty much impossible…or just super complicated trying to coordinate treatments and doctor appointments and such somewhere else. It’s just supposed to be some sort of hands-on project that I fiddle around with some stuff, present a poster, write a paper, maybe defend a thesis. Something like that. Nothing major. I just don’t feeeeeel like it! *whiny child voice* The goal is just “Do you know how to do research? Do you know the process? Do you know some lab techniques? Do you know the lingo?” Stuff like that. That’s if I get accepted, of course. If I don’t…that’s the only program I applied to, and I’m SOL…but I could possibly just go shadow people at home that my mom has connections with for the summer and such. If anything, I’d have a pretty durned good excuse as to why I didn’t do research this summer if it comes to that.

Reminds me…I got blood on a school paper once. Didn’t realize it until I got it back. The professor didn’t really know what it was. Hopefully they didn’t do anything weird like lick my paper or anything. That’s not their M.O. anyways.

Had some complications during the surgery. My BP dropped like crazy and it still hasn’t come all the way up yet. My O2 sats also dropped while I was on the oxygen, so that’s not cool either. I slept through the whole thing…like a baby. When I woke up my dad was kinda just staring at me. I was shaking cuz I was freezing!! You know…usual hospital style. Plus I was basically naked under the gown and 5 blankets and stuff…but still naked lol. I always get super cold when I’m sleepy anyways. So the surgeon came in and said stuff that sounded kinda like the adults always sound in Charlie Brown. I just needed a few minutes, they were expecting too much. But yeah, apparently my stomach and colon are all inflamed and they suspect my pancreas is, too. So it apparently wasn’t just my gallbladder. They did get the gallbladder and it’s uninvited passenger out, though. I don’t know what that means for later, but she prescribed some more meds (Oh, joy!), and we’ll see how I feel from there. As of right now…just pain. That means pain meds. That means this post was all over the place, like really?

Chemobrain and…

19 Jan

Apparently my last whole kidney is having problems…I reeeeally don’t wanna end up on dialysis, so I hope this medicine works. And…stereotactic radiotherapy for the lung mets soon. Scheduling a colonoscopy soon as well. Sounds like great fun! -__-

And about my mom crying over winter break…

My mom is the kind of person that feels like she has to be strong for everyone and fight hard for everything, so seeing her cry was…just weird honestly. She has her best friend to talk to…her best friend lives here closer to me and helps take care of me since I’m farther from home. She doesn’t tell my dad things she’s scared about, because she doesn’t want him to be scared. He takes those cues from her, and once she said that, I realized that’s what she’s been doing with me, and why she was crazy enough to let me be so far away from home during all of this…to give off a “no big deal” vibe, I think. She tends to do that so that no one else panics, since she’s the one with all the medical knowledge in the family.

This seems a little scatterbrained…probably because it is. Probably because I am, so I’ll leave it. And there’s nothing anyone can do about it. My blog, my rules. There. *Tee hee*

Keep Calm and Enjoy 2013

7 Jan

I’ve been thinking about my own mortality a lot recently. Not to be dark and gloomy or anything, but I’m a little scared. I’m sitting here, core body temperature nearly high enough to boil water (kind of an exaggeration), and I realize…I have a serious illness that could kill me. I could die. I could be dead soon. These thoughts start repeating over and over in my head in a variety of different grammatical constructs, but I’ll spare you the superfluousness. Now, this is not the first time I’ve realized this or had these thoughts, but after so many tests, procedures, surgeries, and treatments, those thoughts can fade into the background and randomly resurface on nights like these.

IMG_5498 IMG_5505

I have been really stressed out and depressed lately, but thinking back…in my short 22 years of life, the vast majority of them were wonderful and amazing. The ones that weren’t so much so (2012, if we’re naming names) had their amazing parts, as well. I’ve had a very blessed life up to this point. Last year, I graduated college and was accepted into medical school. That’s huge! That’s been my dream for as long as I can consciously remember (NOT an exaggeration).

I talked to my mom today, and she reminded me that a lot of people get depressed this time of year. She’s right. She suggested some things that I do, and her suggestions are always very good. I should take them, but will I? I’m not sure. It depends on how motivated I feel towards doing anything at all.

I talked to a friend of mine, and she pointed out that no one knows how long they have. That seems so obvious now, but it’s something I never really thought about, I guess. I mean, unless you have some kind of life shaking event happen to you or someone close to you, most people tend to take it for granted that tomorrow they’ll wake up and jump right into the daily grind. Anything could happen to anyone at any time, I just get slapped in the face with reminders of my own mortality more frequently, that’s all.

Life is really short. I’ve been really angry and upset about what’s going on in my life right now, and I still am, but right now…in this moment…I can actually have some perspective and focus on all the things that have gone right. There are so many more of those that it just doesn’t seem fair to discount any year as a loss, really. Even though 2013 has not gotten off to a good start by any means, I’m still here to experience it, and that’s half the battle, I guess. I’ll see where this crazy life of mine takes me next.

Lame Break is Lame!

22 Dec

So…crappiest break in the history of breaks 😦 this better improve, because it’s renal when I get back to school…ugh -__-

I don’t even know if I’ll be home for Christmas…I really wanna be home for Christmas, because I missed Christmas completely last year. I was down for the count, so to speak. Didn’t wake up at all that day. LAME! And I wanna do family stuff…and junk. I know my mom has to work on Christmas, but I at least want to hang out with my dad!

I just wanna leeeeeave! It just sucks, because I still feel absolutely awful 😦

After Further Review…

20 Dec


Thinking about it…I’m glad Ricky stopped treatment. It was making him miserable, and the result would have ultimately been the same, but slower and much less enjoyable than the way he spent it. Even though I wish he were here still, I’m glad he’s now cancer free. And yes, my life is kind of “$*#^@&*&%@” right now, if you will, and I feel kind of miserable most days, but in the grand scheme of things…at least I still have it. It just takes situations like this to put all of that into perspective I guess.

I’m glad I got my mom to open up to me…the challenge will be getting my dad to open up. He’s never been a big talker, and NOT a sharer of feelings. I know he’s got to be scared, and I don’t want him to be (though that’s impossible, it’s what I want)! I feel like if he can say how he feels and just feel it, maybe…I don’t know, maybe it would help him, too. He hasn’t talked to anyone about how he FEELS about any of this; only about what’s happening. Facts. Such a guy. I just don’t know how to start that conversation with him besides saying, “So daddy, how do you really feeeeel?” And that’s awkward, because we usually talk about basketball, football, sheetrock (??), electronics, kung fu movies, I dunno 2 x 4, table saws and stuff lol.

Please Pray for My Dad

22 Nov

So my parents and brother are visiting me for Thanksgiving. That’s great, because I miss them SO incredibly much. We’re all very close.

We were talking, and my mom says something along the lines of “Your dad’s surgery, blah blah blah…” Now, everyone has neglected to tell me anything about any surgery my dad is supposed to have! Apparently, they’ve been sitting on this information for like 2 months now. So, TODAY I find out that my dad is getting surgery on Friday the 30th because of what they believe to be a tumor on his left tonsil. It’s swollen 4x the size of his right one, and he’s been really tired recently. They’re concerned it may be either a lymphoma or a squamous cell carcinoma, but they won’t know until the surgery and they send it to pathology. Honestly, I’m hoping for C) None of the Above.

My mom continues talking, and says, “We’ll see if we can get the surgeons to do both surgeries at the same time” My reaction: “What is this BOTH you speak of?” To which my mom replies, “Oh, your dad didn’t tell you? He also has a tumor on his eye that they’re going to remove.” Of course he didn’t tell me! He never tells me when things are wrong with him. I really don’t know why, but he just doesn’t. These are things I’d really like to know. Regardless of how or when I found out, it still remains that my dad is getting surgery soon, so please keep him in your prayers.

Also, Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

My Actual Family…

22 Nov
MOM: Poppin bottles in the ice, like a frizard
ME: What’d you say?
MOM: My mouth slipped…
DAD: What would you have said if your mouth didn’t slip?
MOM: I dunno…lizard or something
BROTHER: What’s a frizard?
DAD: It’s a cold lizard

RIP, Brittany.

16 Oct

So…this girl I know was just killed the other day. She was in the military, and her vehicle ran over a land mine. Wow. That’s insane. I never really feel like these kinds of things would happen to people that I know, even though it happens to people all the time.

It just really scares me now more than ever, because my little brother is dead set on going into the Marines. 😦 I just don’t want anything bad to happen to him. My mom knew her and knows her mother, and now my mom is freaking out thinking about my little brother wanting to go into the Marines. I understand that.

RIP Brittany. Thanks for serving our country.