Tag Archives: prayer

Oily Prayers

9 Feb

So…I felt extremely depressed yesterday and last night. Still feeling pretty depressed today. I kinda thought about just ending it. It really wouldn’t be that hard, I mean my body is basically trying to do that for me…I would kind of just have to let it. So having those thoughts so often kinda freaked me out a little, so I tried to call some people…nothing. I got nothing. That was kind of expected because it was super late. And then randomly, one of the 3rd years from my school came back from his out of town rotation and asked if he could come over at like 3AM cuz he knows I just needed a hug. So he came to visit me and stayed until like 6:30 AM, and I think that helped because I was able to fall asleep.

Yesterday, my stomach was hurting so badly, and then later on my head started hurting a lot. My stomach hurts a little less now, but my head is still hurting. It’s a weird kind of pain that I’ve never experienced before and I can’t really explain, even though I had to try. I just feel really strange, and I have no idea how to even begin to explain that. Just outside of myself but all dizzy and like nothing is real. I have like no balance or coordination either, which is why it’s taking an eternity to write this flippin’ post! I need a nap. My counts were too low to get the full doses of chemo meds today, and I got neulasta, which means my everything will be hurting for a while.

This girl really really wants her pastor to pray for me in person…which is fine and all, and I really appreciate it…but like with oil and stuff. Not trying to offend anyone here, but why do I have to get all oily to get prayed for? I honestly don’t think God needs oil to do stuff, but if that’s how her pastor wants to do it, I’m down for whatever. Can’t hurt, right? I mean if God will answer prayers regardless, then the oil is just extra, and I’m not so into all the extra when it comes to prayer and all that. I feel like it can distract from the point of the whole thing, but I mean…I’m sure the man knows what he’s doing. So uh…I’ll be getting oily with her pastor tonight. Wish me luck.

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Rambling On…

28 Dec

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They’ve actually decided not to have my dad treated at Moffitt, but he’s going to basically use the protocol suggested there, and be treated closer to home. We need all the prayer we can get right now. For one, all of this is really confusing with different doctors suggesting different things, and then it’s also really stressful and scary. I’m just trying to hold it together. It’s really hard to tell my parents exactly how much everything hurts or how scared I am, I don’t want to make them sad or nervous or anything, when at the same time I know that they want to know. And then I feel like my parents are always somewhere else in their heads…and rightfully so, but it’s hard to talk to them sometimes and feel like I’m getting their full attention. This whole thing just seems very isolating, because my little brother has been avoiding everyone a bit, and people are just kind of frustrating me for one reason or another. I don’t really know if it’s me or them to be honest. It could be me. I could very well just be irritable. I can’t really tell. Either way…my CT scans came back, and it showed more growth since the last scan, so the Votrient wasn’t quite doing the trick, so hopefully the Inlyta and Zanosar work, and my weight dipped down into the double digits during this last hospital stay, so I have to try to get it back up quickly…somehow…without consuming too many carbs or too much glucose in general since tumors feed off of that. Mission Impossible! Glucerna straight into my PEG tube, maybe?