Tag Archives: rambling

Chemotherapy Today

18 Aug

 So, I had chemo today. It was kind of not a good experience, because I was already throwing up and feeling so weak last night that I couldn’t really make it to the bathroom. My aide came in the morning to help out and she took me to chemo, where I got lots of fluids. I keep getting so dehydrated. I don’t mean to let that happen, I just can’t keep anything down. I got a new medicine that should help me be able to eat, it came in the mail the other day, so hopefully that help with the dehydration, too.

I feel really weird that the nurses have to put on all this gear just to administer this medicine, and it’s going straight into my veins. Like, that can’t be safe, right? I don’t know how much hope I have that this trial is going to work. Certainly not as much as some of the people around me, but they have to have hope for me. It’s all they can do. And this is the last thing we’re trying, so everyone is kind of placing their eggs in one basket if you know what I mean.

I just want a chance to feel normal, and this trial can take up to a year. A year of this is certainly not going to be normal. Not even close. Maybe I’ll get used to it, and maybe the side effects will stop being so bad, but I have a feeling that as the toxicity builds up, it’ll be the other way around. I really want to be able to finish school, and I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I’m already feeling like I can’t do it. I’m already doubting myself. I’m also starting to feel like maybe I won’t make it to graduation, so maybe all of this is pointless. Maybe I’m just overthinking things, but I really don’t have anyone to talk to about these things. Not in person at least. I don’t have a lot of support here where I am, so it feels like I’m doing this by myself sometimes. That’s a really lonely feeling. I’m trying to push through, but there’s only so much I can do, and I don’t exactly know when it’s time to stop, but I don’t know if I will. How do you know something like that? I do want to stop. Kind of. I also don’t.I have been thinking about dying a lot. I’m scared that it will hurt. I’m scared that I’ll miss things. Important things. My brother just turned 18. He wants to go into the Marines, and then he wants to become a police officer. I wonder how much of that I’ll get to be a part of. It’s hard with this uncertainty always hanging over my head. I try to stay in the present, but how can I? I’ve been planning for my future my whole life, and now it might be taken away. That hurts. I’ve wanted to be a doctor for so long, but the process just takes so incredibly long, that I may not see the end of it. People keep suggesting alternative treatments and diets to me, or eating soursop and all of that, but I can’t even eat, I can’t change my diet much, because I can’t even figure out what stays down in the first place! My classmates are going out to eat, having parties, and doing all of this fun stuff, and I’m unable to participate in the majority of it. It just doesn’t seem fair. I know that life isn’t fair, but…you can’t help wanting it to be.

I should really get back to studying now. I have to study for microbiology, pharmacology, pathology, and I don’t think I have much to do for fundamentals of medicine, but I do want to see if I can get to reading some more of Robbins. It’s hard to do today. It’s hard to concentrate, because I’m just so tired, and I feel so sick to my stomach. I found out one of my friends from when I was younger got married and had a baby. She has two kids now. A lot of my friends are getting engaged, married, and having kids. I’m just sitting here having cancer. A lot of my classmates are getting engaged, too. I’m happy for them, but every time one of them gets engaged, it just reminds me of how lonely I am. I know I’m rambling, and the flow of this entry makes little sense, but that’s what I need right now. Just to vent in whatever way I want. Like I said before, I’m not a write. This isn’t article quality. Just some random thoughts of a sick student. I keep wishing life were different. I keep thinking how different they’d be if I were healthy right now. How good my grades would be, and how much easier it would be to make friends. Maybe I would even be asked on a date. Who knows. I can’t keep living in “what ifs.” It only makes things worse.

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Moms

28 Feb

I felt like moms were just inherently smart…like that was just a quality that you were granted by God or something if you became a mother. Hahaha that was so cute of me to think that, right? But I realized it was all about life experience. Like…I’ve done that before…didn’t turn out well…you shouldn’t do that. But instead they just say, “don’t do that.” Because they don’t want you to know that they did it…and then you may do it anyways (I mean not often lol) and then it’s not good, and she’s all like told you so, and you’re like how could she possibly have known?!?! So then you think she’s all knowing, and yeah…no. But that was my mom rant…mom’s are human and that’s important to remember, that’s all.

I Missed This

28 Feb

So I talked on the phone to a friend last night that I thought was blowing me off. One day this past week he said he’d call and never did. Then I texted him and he never replied. I kinda was hurt, but apparently that first night he fell asleep (happens all the time to people, nothing to be mad about, I guess). Then he got a new phone or something because his last phone went all wacky on him, and lost my number, so he was just waiting for me to call him.

So I found this out when I called him thinking that he wouldn’t answer because he was ignoring me or something. He answered and we had a really good conversation, and it made me feel better about a lot of things. Then, he told me that once he finishes school, he’s getting married to the girl he’s dating now. I had no idea how to take this, because they’ve only been dating for like 4 1/2 months now. He said they both really connected and they talked about it a lot, and she was ready, and he’s giving that time frame of until he finishes school before he even proposes and stuff, so that’s when they’re getting engaged, not married, but like…I don’t know that just seems really fast. I didn’t wanna say that and sound disapproving or judgmental or anything, so I just said…congratulations, because I wasn’t sure how to reply. Then his response wasn’t thank you, it sounded more like he was defending his decision. I don’t know if it was because I paused or if it was my tone of voice, but he felt the need to defend himself after I congratulated him. Anyways, that was weird. When he started dating her, we started talking less…completely understandable. But then, it got to the point where we almost didn’t talk at all, and then when we did…all he would really talk about is her. That’s probably where these mixed feelings I’m having are coming from.

But he’s one of the few people that really asks and cares how I feel like…emotionally. Like really really cares and takes the time to listen to every silly little thought (rational and irrational) that I have. And then, he doesn’t just tell me what he thinks I should do about them (unless he knows some really good thing to try that I haven’t already thought of…rare occurrence). He just tells me he’s there and he cares, and he agrees about how much things suck.

The thing he told me this time was something about how I may not want to get up and study everyday or do whatever it is that I have to do that day, but I want to want to get up and study, and that’s something. That’s better than nothing, and that’s step one. Wanting to want to and pushing through with that can lead to wanting to, and before you know it, you’re actually doing whatever it is that you wanted to want to do without as much internal angst about it. He thinks a lot, so having a friend like that has been really helpful in just sorting everything out and getting my feelings out there. We used to talk more.

Major Rambling Alert

5 Feb
Having another down day today. I talked to the counselor here, and…I’m pretty sure I felt worse afterwards. It wasn’t anything she said, but I just kind of thought she would help more or…it just made me think of all the things I’m depressed about at once, I guess. All I know is that after the appointment, I couldn’t stop crying…and I didn’t expect for it to be like that.
I tried reaching out to a classmate of mine, but he said that since he has to wake up early tomorrow he can’t talk…and it was like…6 PM. I mean, I’m sure he’s busy or whatever, but I don’t think that was the problem. I think he was just…uncomfortable maybe? I don’t know. I just…he said I could call him whenever I need to talk, so I did…and yeah, I guess I can’t actually call him whenever. So……..that made me feel even worse, and then I fell asleep for a little.
I’ve been so tired recently. I pretty much slept all day, and still could hardly force myself to wake up for the appointment today. I usually have trouble sleeping, but now it’s harder to stay awake. I’ve had a lot of pain today, too. And uh…had a bit of an “accident” which was super embarrassing. I have some nerve damage from the bowel resection surgery I got, and so…yeah, that happens sometimes.
I can’t eat any food right now, so it’s all IV nutrition. I’m ok with this, because eating is just complicated now, but I’m sure this won’t help with the weight issue…but I guess that’s the least of my worries today. But…I am kind of craving a “cutie” now…you know those little oranges that are super easy to peel and they’re small and adorable?
Yeah, that.