Tag Archives: rant

Cure for Cancer?

18 Jun

I visited a friend a few weeks ago, and he and his father were talking about how cancer research is a conspiracy theory, and about how the government has already found a cure for cancer, but they won’t share it because the money is in the treatment and not the cure. They said, knowing about my condition and my father’s condition, that they would never donate money to cancer research. I hate when people say things like this, because there are so many scientists slaving away in their labs trying to cure this awful disease. So many people don’t know that even two people with the same kind of cancer have essentially two different diseases because their bodies work differently and respond to drugs differently. They’re different on a cellular or molecular level, and so the treatment should be tailored to the individual. This makes finding a cure that much harder, because it’s not one cure we’re looking for. It’s not 1 cure for each cancer. Who knows how many different kinds there really are? In the meantime, scientists are making huge headway in coming up with better treatments for cancers than what existed before. Many of these new treatments are less toxic, because they are more directed at the cancer cells due to more specific properties of the cells. I tried to share this information with my friend and his father, but they did not want to hear it. It’s people like this, people who do not listen to the other side of things, that make it harder to get the funding needed to try to find better treatments and even cures.

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Rant

14 Apr

GAHHHH!!!!!!! ***EXPLETIVES** WHYYYYYY?!?!

I went to the hospital, and they found another small mass. I’m so tired of this crap, seriously, I can’t handle it!! I just want cancer to leave me and my family alone! I feel SO defeated. I just wanna be better already and forget all this bull ever happened, but like…I don’t even know if I’m even gonna get better at this point, like I don’t even know if that’s the plan anymore. They just keep talking about “stabilization” and stuff, and I just wanna be better, I can’t live like this. I really can’t live like this. /rant

Moms

28 Feb

I felt like moms were just inherently smart…like that was just a quality that you were granted by God or something if you became a mother. Hahaha that was so cute of me to think that, right? But I realized it was all about life experience. Like…I’ve done that before…didn’t turn out well…you shouldn’t do that. But instead they just say, “don’t do that.” Because they don’t want you to know that they did it…and then you may do it anyways (I mean not often lol) and then it’s not good, and she’s all like told you so, and you’re like how could she possibly have known?!?! So then you think she’s all knowing, and yeah…no. But that was my mom rant…mom’s are human and that’s important to remember, that’s all.

Excellent.

5 Jan

Aaaaand now I’m getting a respiratory tract infection. Excellent.

They said that one of my medications could cause myelosuppression (bone marrow sucking at it’s job of producing blood cells), and I thought, yeah yeah yeah long list of side effects, blah blah blah…but now I have one of the lamest immune systems I’ve ever had, and I have little purple spots. I’m getting Neupogen, blood products, procrit, antibiotics, etc. Sooooo frustrated…and I’m kind of scared, but mostly just because I’m feeling so alone right now. My dad had a PET scan yesterday. Didn’t get to talk to him to see how that went.

It’s hard to think of anything else at the moment…the nurses or whoever come in every 30 minutes to do or check one thing or another, and then things are beeping and whirring, and the pump will go all crazy when it empties, but I’m trying to “go to my happy place.” I’m feeling a full blown depression coming on…I mean…my hormones and blood levels of pretty much everything are all out of whack, so it could be that. I also no longer live close to any of my friends. Not a single one. So there’s that. You know…in addition to the whole cancer thing. I don’t know…I’m just being all whiny and complaining about everything, but right now I just feel like I need to.

I talked to some people about how I’ve been feeling…emotionally…and I think it just made me feel worse. And they’re supposed to be professionals. 😥  Everything is making me cry. Like…I’ll drop the spoon for my applesauce and burst into tears. Ahh get it together! I do like that I have this outlet to vent. It’s nice, and I like that I don’t always have to pretend to be all “brave” and “strong” and stuff like people keep telling me to be. I can just…say how I feel. Honestly, all those things that people think are encouraging, are really just…annoying. Sorry! I’m trying to have happy moments and live inside of them completely while they last, I just haven’t really had any these past few days.

How To/How Not To Help

17 Dec

Don’t just say “let me know if you need anything” or “call me whenever you need anything” or any variation of this. Chances are that I won’t. You should be direct and specific. If you’re going to the store or something, say “I’m going to the store right now, do you need anything?” Chances are, I’ll probably need a few things. Bring me some food (check what I can and can’t eat, first) or offer to help me clean my apartment. Don’t expect that I can go out anywhere with you, because I probably won’t have that kind of energy. If you want to just “talk” because I seem upset, then talking about all the things that make me upset, and telling me what you think I should do probably won’t make me any less upset. You’re probably just going to stress me out. That’s all. I know you’re just trying to help, and I hate to complain about something as great and thoughtful as that, but that’s just how I feel.

Oh, don’t mind me. Just venting.

27 Nov

Anemic, low WBC count, fever, neuropathy, blood transfusion, bone pain…today is just faaaaantastic! NOT -______- I wanna go home now.

I am sooooooo sore and tired like ALL the time, and it really makes it hard to get anything done. I’m too tired to even go vomit in the bathroom, but I hate having buckets in my room, it’s gross…but it’s one or the other. Everything tastes/feels like sand in my mouth. I kind of wish food weren’t necessary for survival.

I hate feeling this unproductive. Especially when there’s SO MUCH to be done!

BUT…I DO have to say THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH to my amazing classmates. You guys are so awesome, and I don’t know what I would do without you all.