Tag Archives: school

Hi

19 Sep

Sorry for my absence. I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed, and I’ve been extremely tired. I’ve had a really hard time getting out of my bed, and I’ve missed my last 2 chemo appointments due to low blood counts that won’t seem to stay up anymore. I have had my exam week for school, and am not sure how much longer I can continue doing this. It’s been rough. I’ve spent much more time asleep than awake, and I’m strongly considering moving back home as I don’t think I can handle school anymore. This has made me pretty deeply depressed, and I’ve kind of withdrawn from talking to people a little bit. I’m really not sure how much more I can take, and I just want this all to be over.

Advertisements

My Date

3 Sep

My date didn’t go as planned. It was raining, so we couldn’t go to the zoo. I suggested the aquarium, but then he said he couldn’t stay very long. I also was not feeling very well, so we just relaxed and had some tea. I didn’t get to know too much more about him, and it feels like it didn’t last long enough. It may have felt that way regardless of how long it was, though. Overall, I think it was a success, though. I say this because he wants to try for either the zoo or aquarium again next Sunday. So that’s gotta be good news, right? It didn’t come up about the cancer, so I didn’t tell him, but it came up when I saw him at school today, so I told him. He didn’t seem like he wanted to run away, so that was good. He just told me that everything is going to be okay. I wish I could believe that, but I’ll let him believe that.

 I also met this other guy, and he came over the other day. I really like him. His mom is a breast cancer survivor, and me being sick doesn’t scare him away. That’s what I’m always most worried about. Time will tell whether that’s the case or not, but I’d like to think that it’s going to work out. He said he would like to come to chemo with me and my doctor’s appointments if I would let him. He’s really sweet and has been texting me really nice things.

My parents and my little brother visited this past weekend. I enjoyed their company. It was good to have them around. Especially my little brother. I didn’t think he was going to come, but I’m so glad that he did. We’re pretty much best friends.

Aside

I’m Not Going

29 Aug

I’m not going to school tomorrow. I’m not going to get out of my bed. I’m just gonna stay here and wallow in self pity. Just for one day, and then see what to do from there.

Rough, Yet Satisfying

28 Aug

School was rough today. It was so long, and I was super exhausted. I don’t think I could have stayed another minute. I was so nauseous, too. And I have a killer headache. But I did correctly diagnose a 4 year old girl (in a clinical vignette) with a purulent bacterial meningitis manifesting in her subarachnoid space with a high concentration of neutrophils (hence the purulence) and with phlebitis due to the meningitis. It was secondary to chronic otitis media. Maybe I can actually do this whole doctor thing! I’m getting pretty good at it 🙂 So that made me excited, because I did get pimped on the question and I got every single thing right! Which is very rare in this class. Gah Pathology!

Life is Tearing Me Down.

24 Aug

I can’t catch a break. I need to just breathe, and I can’t even have a moment. Everything just keeps happening. I feel like I’m not allowed to complain, but I want to scream. My body is giving up on me, I can feel it. Today was an awful day. it’s really not fair. I don’t like to ask why me or anything like that, but seriously? Why is all of this happening? I can’t deal with this. It’s too much. Also, I don’t really have a support group here. My one back at college is diminishing, too, because everyone is graduating and going off to different places. I have nowhere where I can go back to and say, “This is home. This is where my people are.” I don’t have a place like that. I don’t have a physical group of support people here where I am…not really. Not like I had in college. I have people to take notes and record lectures for me, and that’s great, I appreciate that. But, I don’t have people to talk to and say, “I’m having a tough time.” I don’t even have a therapist anymore. I’ve been in the hospital so much this summer. And what if this is the last year I’ll be able to stay in school? I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next week or month. I can’t even plan for my future like I used to. What if I don’t have one? I feel like giving up everyday, but I said I wouldn’t. I wear that promise on my wrist everyday, so I know I can’t, but it’s so hard. I don’t know how to deal with this.

New News

20 Aug

I’m having a lot of bone pain in my pelvis and hips today and getting these weird sharp headaches that last for like 5 seconds on the left side of my head. My right eardrum was like…vibrating, too, and it was very uncomfortable. I had a little bit of tea and a cracker today, so that’s a lot of progress! I didn’t even throw it up. Maybe tomorrow, a piece of toast, who knows? I’m feeling so exhausted, I can hardly function. And my mom called me at like 10:30 last night when I was just…about…to fall…to sleep. Darnit! I usually go to sleep later, though, so she didn’t know. I called the hospital about my bill to ask for a student application for charity form. I can apply for them to forgive my bill. If that doesn’t work, then I can be on the sliding scale since I have no income, and only have to pay like 35% of the bill or something. I got tutored in pharmacology today, and it went really well. Since some of my classmates are tutors, they get paid for helping me study, and it’s free for me. So that means it’s a win-win for both of us! I got into a study group to do practice questions later on this week, too. I got some of my textbooks I ordered in the mail, too, so I got excited in the nerdiest of ways.

There was a shooting at an elementary school here in Atlanta. With an AK-47. Why can people even get those? What are they using them for? I don’t understand why anyone would shoot up a school, but especially an elementary school. It was a grown man, too…not a kid who brought their parents gun to school to like show their friends or something. There are some truly sick people out there. He told them to call some TV station. Did he do this just to get on TV? He’s been arrested now. Anyways, rant over. I’m gonna finish watching So You Think You Can Dance.

Chemotherapy Today

18 Aug

 So, I had chemo today. It was kind of not a good experience, because I was already throwing up and feeling so weak last night that I couldn’t really make it to the bathroom. My aide came in the morning to help out and she took me to chemo, where I got lots of fluids. I keep getting so dehydrated. I don’t mean to let that happen, I just can’t keep anything down. I got a new medicine that should help me be able to eat, it came in the mail the other day, so hopefully that help with the dehydration, too.

I feel really weird that the nurses have to put on all this gear just to administer this medicine, and it’s going straight into my veins. Like, that can’t be safe, right? I don’t know how much hope I have that this trial is going to work. Certainly not as much as some of the people around me, but they have to have hope for me. It’s all they can do. And this is the last thing we’re trying, so everyone is kind of placing their eggs in one basket if you know what I mean.

I just want a chance to feel normal, and this trial can take up to a year. A year of this is certainly not going to be normal. Not even close. Maybe I’ll get used to it, and maybe the side effects will stop being so bad, but I have a feeling that as the toxicity builds up, it’ll be the other way around. I really want to be able to finish school, and I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I’m already feeling like I can’t do it. I’m already doubting myself. I’m also starting to feel like maybe I won’t make it to graduation, so maybe all of this is pointless. Maybe I’m just overthinking things, but I really don’t have anyone to talk to about these things. Not in person at least. I don’t have a lot of support here where I am, so it feels like I’m doing this by myself sometimes. That’s a really lonely feeling. I’m trying to push through, but there’s only so much I can do, and I don’t exactly know when it’s time to stop, but I don’t know if I will. How do you know something like that? I do want to stop. Kind of. I also don’t.I have been thinking about dying a lot. I’m scared that it will hurt. I’m scared that I’ll miss things. Important things. My brother just turned 18. He wants to go into the Marines, and then he wants to become a police officer. I wonder how much of that I’ll get to be a part of. It’s hard with this uncertainty always hanging over my head. I try to stay in the present, but how can I? I’ve been planning for my future my whole life, and now it might be taken away. That hurts. I’ve wanted to be a doctor for so long, but the process just takes so incredibly long, that I may not see the end of it. People keep suggesting alternative treatments and diets to me, or eating soursop and all of that, but I can’t even eat, I can’t change my diet much, because I can’t even figure out what stays down in the first place! My classmates are going out to eat, having parties, and doing all of this fun stuff, and I’m unable to participate in the majority of it. It just doesn’t seem fair. I know that life isn’t fair, but…you can’t help wanting it to be.

I should really get back to studying now. I have to study for microbiology, pharmacology, pathology, and I don’t think I have much to do for fundamentals of medicine, but I do want to see if I can get to reading some more of Robbins. It’s hard to do today. It’s hard to concentrate, because I’m just so tired, and I feel so sick to my stomach. I found out one of my friends from when I was younger got married and had a baby. She has two kids now. A lot of my friends are getting engaged, married, and having kids. I’m just sitting here having cancer. A lot of my classmates are getting engaged, too. I’m happy for them, but every time one of them gets engaged, it just reminds me of how lonely I am. I know I’m rambling, and the flow of this entry makes little sense, but that’s what I need right now. Just to vent in whatever way I want. Like I said before, I’m not a write. This isn’t article quality. Just some random thoughts of a sick student. I keep wishing life were different. I keep thinking how different they’d be if I were healthy right now. How good my grades would be, and how much easier it would be to make friends. Maybe I would even be asked on a date. Who knows. I can’t keep living in “what ifs.” It only makes things worse.

First Day of School

12 Aug

So my first day back went pretty well. It was just orientation, so nothing difficult. It was SO tiring, though. I could sleep a thousand sleeps right now. Imagine when the lectures actually start…as in tomorrow! I have a fever and a headache, though. We got the lecture packets for the next 2 days for if we wanted to be gunners and pre-read. So…pew pew! I registered again with the office of student disabilities. I got my home health aide back, because I’ll need her in the evenings and on weekends because I’ll be tired and because of chemo and stuff. It’s kinda kicking my butt a little. It’s rougher than I thought it would be. I still haven’t figured out a way to get nutrition either. I got a waiver for my Hep B shot, since I can’t have shots like that right now. I called the company that mails me some of my medications, and apparently, my doctor never sent in one of my scripts yet, so I’ll have to call her tomorrow. It’s storming really hard right now. It stormed hard while we were in class, too, and knocked the power out for a second. I’m a little nervous about this school year. Looking at the packets and the books, it’s going to be really hard. They said so, too. I don’t know if I can really do this or if I was just kidding myself. I mean I know I could if I was healthy, but…I’m not. I’ll try my best, though. I’m in too deep to quit now!

Stupid Statistics

9 Aug

Have you seen the 5 year survival rate for people with stage IV RCC? <10% Not very promising. What the hell am I doing with my life? I shouldn’t look stuff up anymore. I kinda forgot about those numbers for a little while until my school was all like, “here, have Epocrates for free!” And then I got the brilliant idea to look it up. I know better than that. You don’t look at survival statistics. You. Just. Don’t. Now what kind of hope can I have? Why am I even bothering with school? Why can’t things be like they used to be before I actually had to care about all of this stuff? I feel like I’m mourning a future I’ve never had and I don’t even know what’s going to happen to me yet. Stupid statistics.

*****

So…about statistics…I hate them. The survival rate for people with Stage IV metastatic RCC…people like me…is less than 10%. People always say it’s better than 0%, and it is, but the number still stands. Taunting me. I know I’m not supposed to worry about things like that right now, but that’s much easier said than done. It’s even harder when your doctor is a “straight shooter” who reminds you of things like this occasionally saying, “I just want you to know what you’re up against.”

It’s hard to “be strong” and “keep fighting” when the thing I’m fighting is myself, and all I really do is sit there and get injected with poisonous chemicals. I wouldn’t call that much of a fight. Not a fair one, at least. What if I don’t have the energy for this anymore? I know there are people who have had cancer for much longer and have had to put their lives on hold…people who are worse off, but that doesn’t take away the frustration and pain that I’m feeling. It’s like saying I can’t be happy because other people have it better than me. It just doesn’t seem to work that way.

I have little to no control over what’s happening to me, and that makes it hard to deal with. I know what Randi would have me do right now, but I’m not as strong as her. And I know she got frustrated and down, don’t get me wrong, but she had much more “fight” in her than I feel like I have right now. And who knows, if I die…I’ll get to see her again, so maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. It would sure be a lot less financial stress on my family. My mom is about to lose it with all of these medical bills. I could ramble on about how depressed I feel right now, but I think I’ll spare you. The fact remains though, that 10% is not a large number, and only a few people get to be in that 10%, and it doesn’t seem like it will be me. And what about 10 years out? 15? 20? The numbers just get lower and lower from there.

Giving it a Go

1 Aug

I was so scared to tell my parents about my depression and now I wish I would have told them sooner. I don’t know exactly what I was scared of. They’re my parents, they love me. They have been nothing but supportive. I felt like I had to keep it inside so that nobody would think that I can’t handle medical school, because I can. I don’t want to quit school or anything. I was afraid people would make me take a leave from being sick and depressed and thinking I wasn’t capable of finishing out the year. But I did finish, and with pretty good grades. 2 A’s, 3 B’s and a C. I think that’s pretty darn good given the circumstances. Now that 2nd year is about to start, people are starting to doubt my ability to power through again. I’m kind of doubting it, too, but only slightly. I’m still going to give it one hell of a go and pray for the best. I won’t let anything stop me, I’ve wanted this for too long.