Tag Archives: sick

My Date

3 Sep

My date didn’t go as planned. It was raining, so we couldn’t go to the zoo. I suggested the aquarium, but then he said he couldn’t stay very long. I also was not feeling very well, so we just relaxed and had some tea. I didn’t get to know too much more about him, and it feels like it didn’t last long enough. It may have felt that way regardless of how long it was, though. Overall, I think it was a success, though. I say this because he wants to try for either the zoo or aquarium again next Sunday. So that’s gotta be good news, right? It didn’t come up about the cancer, so I didn’t tell him, but it came up when I saw him at school today, so I told him. He didn’t seem like he wanted to run away, so that was good. He just told me that everything is going to be okay. I wish I could believe that, but I’ll let him believe that.

 I also met this other guy, and he came over the other day. I really like him. His mom is a breast cancer survivor, and me being sick doesn’t scare him away. That’s what I’m always most worried about. Time will tell whether that’s the case or not, but I’d like to think that it’s going to work out. He said he would like to come to chemo with me and my doctor’s appointments if I would let him. He’s really sweet and has been texting me really nice things.

My parents and my little brother visited this past weekend. I enjoyed their company. It was good to have them around. Especially my little brother. I didn’t think he was going to come, but I’m so glad that he did. We’re pretty much best friends.

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Someone Wrote This About Me

25 Aug

I know a 23 year old girl who has been declared disabled. She has had several types of cancer. She is weak and always sick. She coughs up blood. She is thin and can not eat solid foods. She visits the ER at least every 3 days to get blood and fluids and meds and nutrition to keep her alive. She has every right to give up on life. She is in pain all the time. She has been like this for over a year now. The doctors told her she has a less than 10% chance of surviving what she has.…

Do you know what she did last week? She started her next year in medical school. After her first day of school, she ended up in the ER to get blood. She then went home and started reading a required text that will likely take her most of the year to read. After the third day of school, she had to call an ambulance to go to the ER. She was coughing up blood and choking on it. She had procedures and then went back home late that night. She managed to get to school the next day. She still drives herself. She wants to be a doctor, and she is not giving up on that dream. She thinks everyday that this may be her last day. She is scared. She is in great pain. But, she is not giving up. 

It’s strange to think that I inspire people. It’s a weird feeling because I don’t know that I’m doing it. All I try to do is get through each day. When people tell me that they feel inspired by me or that I’m so strong, I usually end up feeling awkward. But somehow, this struck me. It showed me how by doing what I do, it can actually mean something. That motivates me to keep going even when it seems impossible. Thank you for believing in me. I will try not to let you down.

My Dream Made No Sense At All

25 Aug

I was dying from cancer. I was having a very weird conversation with Jim on the phone. My dad got diagnosed with colon cancer, so I kept following him everywhere, and he got annoyed. I dressed up like a ballerina and took pictures of myself and ‘how things used to be’ before I got cancer. Then, I was Stewie from Family Guy going down a slide that cost 50¢, but I paid $21. It was for people 11 years old and under. It spun you around in your thoughts. Then I was me again watching telemundo and univisión with my friend from high school. Then we talked about a bunch of people in music videos with lots of colors as I ate from a jar of peanut butter and jelly swirled together while in church. After that, my mom took a history of my cousin Crystal’s life from her before she died. Then my cousin Malcolm and I started flying in circles around the room higher and higher. I was trying to get higher than him because I’m slightly older. He’s much taller, though, and I scraped the ceiling, so it didn’t work. Then I circled so fast and I jumped awake. It was startling.

The night before, I forgot that I also dreamt that I was in a new house with my family. My room was really small and inside of my brother’s room. Then I explored it more and discovered it was huge with it’s own other bedrooms and luxurious bathrooms. Then it became a bed store. I had to run back to the original room before time ran out and I lost it forever. The bathroom was in my brother’s room. Every room was full of old baby stuff from the last family that lived there. It was all shoved to the sides of the rooms. The shower had carpet and no walls, so I felt weird in there.

I had another dream that I was at an expo, and I dressed up in my dobok to go back to a taekwondo and MMA competition. It was also an ice skating, hypnotism, and ribbon twirling competition. I wanted to compete, but hadn’t fought in a long time, so I couldn’t. We looked at some clothes and hair ties they were selling at the expo and my mom got into it with a lady at the scarf table. We looked at some clothes and then went to watch the matches. We saw some guys fighting tirelessly and they were still going when we left. We watched my friends compete, and we sat next to this lady who claimed she loved me since the day she gave birth to me as she clung to me during the hypnotism routine. my mom then explained the details of my birth. The woman’s daughter and the woman went to the parking lot with us and they left. My mom and I got in her rental car. She had forgotten to cap the exhaust pipes. On my passenger side, I had a steering wheel and what I thought were brakes, too. It was just a shortbread cookie can. There was bluetooth hookup for your pager. It was a kind of old car.

My last dream was that I was at the hospital working with my mom. I was following her all over the place. We tested my dad’s kidney function and his heart function. Then she got a phone call and had to leave. I saved some medicine for one of her patients in the medicine cabinet at the office. Then she took me with her, though I was supposed to go with my dad. We posed for pictures with a dog on a tennis court, then we went through the halls of the hospital. I started to samba dance, and we saw all of these people in costumes ready to do a dance competition. We went into Dr. Niambi’s office, which was huge as in my dream she was the ‘queen of my medical school’ and we talked to some ladies about their children. My mom asked me to leave, and then they discussed ‘adult matters.’ I came back, and was asked why. I said I missed them, and they all cooed. We were then all dressed up. Will Smith was talking and his kids were playing in her water fountain getting all dirty. My dad and I moved away from them and took Dr. Niambi’s microphones out of her call box. She came back and started to sing, so my dad and I ballroom danced. We put her microphones back, and then my mom went into her office to discuss her partner dropping her from the practice to see whose fault it was. Then I woke up.

Chemotherapy Today

18 Aug

 So, I had chemo today. It was kind of not a good experience, because I was already throwing up and feeling so weak last night that I couldn’t really make it to the bathroom. My aide came in the morning to help out and she took me to chemo, where I got lots of fluids. I keep getting so dehydrated. I don’t mean to let that happen, I just can’t keep anything down. I got a new medicine that should help me be able to eat, it came in the mail the other day, so hopefully that help with the dehydration, too.

I feel really weird that the nurses have to put on all this gear just to administer this medicine, and it’s going straight into my veins. Like, that can’t be safe, right? I don’t know how much hope I have that this trial is going to work. Certainly not as much as some of the people around me, but they have to have hope for me. It’s all they can do. And this is the last thing we’re trying, so everyone is kind of placing their eggs in one basket if you know what I mean.

I just want a chance to feel normal, and this trial can take up to a year. A year of this is certainly not going to be normal. Not even close. Maybe I’ll get used to it, and maybe the side effects will stop being so bad, but I have a feeling that as the toxicity builds up, it’ll be the other way around. I really want to be able to finish school, and I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I’m already feeling like I can’t do it. I’m already doubting myself. I’m also starting to feel like maybe I won’t make it to graduation, so maybe all of this is pointless. Maybe I’m just overthinking things, but I really don’t have anyone to talk to about these things. Not in person at least. I don’t have a lot of support here where I am, so it feels like I’m doing this by myself sometimes. That’s a really lonely feeling. I’m trying to push through, but there’s only so much I can do, and I don’t exactly know when it’s time to stop, but I don’t know if I will. How do you know something like that? I do want to stop. Kind of. I also don’t.I have been thinking about dying a lot. I’m scared that it will hurt. I’m scared that I’ll miss things. Important things. My brother just turned 18. He wants to go into the Marines, and then he wants to become a police officer. I wonder how much of that I’ll get to be a part of. It’s hard with this uncertainty always hanging over my head. I try to stay in the present, but how can I? I’ve been planning for my future my whole life, and now it might be taken away. That hurts. I’ve wanted to be a doctor for so long, but the process just takes so incredibly long, that I may not see the end of it. People keep suggesting alternative treatments and diets to me, or eating soursop and all of that, but I can’t even eat, I can’t change my diet much, because I can’t even figure out what stays down in the first place! My classmates are going out to eat, having parties, and doing all of this fun stuff, and I’m unable to participate in the majority of it. It just doesn’t seem fair. I know that life isn’t fair, but…you can’t help wanting it to be.

I should really get back to studying now. I have to study for microbiology, pharmacology, pathology, and I don’t think I have much to do for fundamentals of medicine, but I do want to see if I can get to reading some more of Robbins. It’s hard to do today. It’s hard to concentrate, because I’m just so tired, and I feel so sick to my stomach. I found out one of my friends from when I was younger got married and had a baby. She has two kids now. A lot of my friends are getting engaged, married, and having kids. I’m just sitting here having cancer. A lot of my classmates are getting engaged, too. I’m happy for them, but every time one of them gets engaged, it just reminds me of how lonely I am. I know I’m rambling, and the flow of this entry makes little sense, but that’s what I need right now. Just to vent in whatever way I want. Like I said before, I’m not a write. This isn’t article quality. Just some random thoughts of a sick student. I keep wishing life were different. I keep thinking how different they’d be if I were healthy right now. How good my grades would be, and how much easier it would be to make friends. Maybe I would even be asked on a date. Who knows. I can’t keep living in “what ifs.” It only makes things worse.

I Feel So Sick

2 Aug

Last night I vomited all over myself and shat the bed and then couldn’t get up to clean it myself and I had to call my mom for help and I felt super embarrassed and helpless. It sucked and I just felt gross. I feel all flu-ish today and I really don’t see myself getting out of bed today for any reason.

Giving it a Go

1 Aug

I was so scared to tell my parents about my depression and now I wish I would have told them sooner. I don’t know exactly what I was scared of. They’re my parents, they love me. They have been nothing but supportive. I felt like I had to keep it inside so that nobody would think that I can’t handle medical school, because I can. I don’t want to quit school or anything. I was afraid people would make me take a leave from being sick and depressed and thinking I wasn’t capable of finishing out the year. But I did finish, and with pretty good grades. 2 A’s, 3 B’s and a C. I think that’s pretty darn good given the circumstances. Now that 2nd year is about to start, people are starting to doubt my ability to power through again. I’m kind of doubting it, too, but only slightly. I’m still going to give it one hell of a go and pray for the best. I won’t let anything stop me, I’ve wanted this for too long.

ER Trip

25 Jul

I had to go to the hospital again last night because my heart was beating out of whack and my fever shot back up again. I’m back home and doing okay now. I’m going to spend the day with my brother and with my mom when she gets home.

Misery

18 Jul

Well…I have some kind of infection, the doctors haven’t figured out what yet, but they’re thinking a virus because the antibiotics haven’t knocked it out. My temp is still pretty high, and they’re using ice packs for it, and they’re freezing my butt off. I had some seizures, too. I’ve been having some pretty intense bouts of vomiting, and I can’t eat anything by mouth, so I’m on TPN again. I’ve been a little jaundiced, and I’m not having any urine output. Fluid is building up in my lungs, making it hard to breathe. I still don’t know why the stomach pain is so bad or what exactly is causing it now, but they’re giving me morphine every few hours, which is odd because I normally get fentanyl or dilaudid. But they’re pretty much keeping me knocked out all day, because when I wake up, it’s pretty much just miserable. Naturally, my mom freaked out and called a bunch of doctors she knows, and they’re trying to figure out what I have. My family caught a flight and they’re here now. My mom is trying to get me transferred home. Through all this, I did get a guy’s number, though. He was visiting the person next to me and said my smile made his day. That kind of made my day. There was this nurse, though, that would not smile for the life of him! I tried to get him to crack a smile because he just looked so miserable, but he just absolutely would not smile. Oh well. I tried. I called some people today and talked to them for a little while. I wrote some nice notes to people and listened to some music when I wasn’t sleeping. Today was difficult, but I tried to relax.

My Everything Hurts

8 Jul

My everything hurts:

  • My head
  • My eyeballs
  • My stomach
  • My skin
  • My back
  • My neck
  • My throat
  • My hands and feet

My mom wants me to try one more treatment option. It’s new. I don’t know if I want to I just feel so done, but I understand where she’s coming from. I guess I’ll ask about it, it couldn’t hurt I guess. I’ll ask about that and get the home health nurse at the same time. It’s not easy being by myself. It’s getting darn near impossible. I guess that’s why my body is just rebelling right now. Too much all by myself, maybe? Maybe I have too much downtime to just sit around and feel sick. At least when school was in I had a distraction. Things I absolutely had to get done before the next day, so I couldn’t sit and dwell on how I felt as much. Now that’s pretty much all I do, and it’s really depressing. Speaking of which, the depression was lifting for a while, and now I’m afraid that it’s coming back. I feel scared and anxious. I feel helpless and hopeless. I don’t know what to do right now. I gave up on counseling, and I haven’t been to see the psychiatrist in a while, either. I do go back to see her this month, which is good because I’m almost out of sleeping pills, which is making me anxious. I can take short naps all day, but I can’t get through the night without them no matter how tired I am. I don’t know if it’s the pain or anxiety that does it to me or a combination of both. My bone marrow is starting to give me problems, it’s because of the treatment. And I’m not making enough EPO, so that’s not making things any better. I’m so done with all of this, really. But I’ll try I guess for my family. I’m trying to find ways to talk to my brother now. Talk more seriously, I mean. We’ll see how that goes. My mom went and called all of my doctors, because I guess she’s upset and just wants to know what’s all going on.

Father’s Day

16 Jun

I don’t feel very well today. I have a fever that keeps getting higher, and it feels all liquidy in my chest, and when I cough, there’s blood in it. I don’t know exactly what’s wrong, but it could be from having the fiducials placed. I called my doctor, and he said the safest thing would be to go to the hospital, but I really don’t want to go. I feel like I’m ALWAYS there. So, I took a Tylenol and I’m waiting it out for a little bit to see if it gets any better. If it doesn’t, then I’ll go in. I’ve been in bed all day, so hopefully that helps. If that wasn’t enough, I’m backed up like nobody’s business! I think it’s the pain meds, but I haven’t gone in a week and a half even though I’ve taken Senekot-S, Miralax, and Colace. No dice. Enough about my bowels, it’s Father’s Day! I didn’t realize it was Father’s Day weekend until Friday night. I talked to my dad and my grandpa, and I think my dad talked me into watching game 5 tonight.