Tag Archives: sleep

Ugh

3 Nov

This ambien just isn’t doing it for me tonight. I have not been able to sleep and take advantage of this daylight savings time which I have been looking forward to. Also, I’ve really been craving wine recently. Weird. I just wanna sleep!!!! Plus, I have this rash all down my left leg and it’s driving me crazy! I have another rash like all around my port and I have no idea what that’s about but it’s kind of worrisome when stuff like that happens. I guess I’m in the right place for stuff like that to happen, though. Ugh.

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Hello

17 Oct

Hi everyone, just wanted to make an update.

So the past couple days have been relatively okay. Just a few complaints. My mouth is so dry. I’ve been using the biotene products, but it’s not helping as much as I want it to. It’s so dry it hurts and I have the most awful taste in my mouth. And the nausea, probably from the pain medicines, and there’s this heartburn that won’t go away. It’s getting more and more intense. It was just an inconvenient gurgle at first, but now it’s like the pits of hell are rumbling up through my insides. I’ve been in my bed for most of the time…probably too many hours out of each day. I need to get up and do stuff, I think. I’m pretty sure it’s the depression. Maybe the fact that I’m always exhausted and always sleeping. But otherwise, not too bad.

On a happier note, my little brother got a new cell phone, and it’s lime green, so now we can text each other pictures and we can just…text more. So that is good. My dad and I had a good talk yesterday. My pain meds are working pretty well. I’ve made a classical music playlist that I like to listen to sometimes, and it’s just kind of relaxing. I also really like that song Royals by Lorde. My dad is doing fantastically well, still having dry mouth. He has to drink water and swish it around in his mouth when he eats food so that he can swallow it. But other than that, he’s doing fantastically. So, yeah, that’s my update.

Can’t Sleep

13 Oct

I can’t sleep because I’m anxious, and I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I’m extremely exhausted, so this is just not going to work, no.

Aside

Night!

1 Oct

My eyes are crisscrossing and glazing over…I should go to sleep. Night!

Aside

Crap

25 Aug

I’m out of Ambien. How will I sleep now?

Can’t Sleep

10 Aug

Again.

This shouldn’t surprise me. It happens all the time, even with the Ambien. Now here comes the part where I start thinking too many thoughts alone in my room and get all worked up over things that A) shouldn’t bother me, B) will never occur, or C) I shouldn’t be thinking about in the first place.

Right now, I’d say we’re at C. Still can’t stop thinking about those statistics I saw earlier. It got even worse when it metastasized to multiple distant locations, and uh…yeah, I won that bag of shit jackpot, too. Lucky me over here! I know I shouldn’t be thinking about this, which is why it’s on my list as C.

I also had a strange dream. I was at a show in an auditorium, and we kept changing seat for some weird reason that I can’t exactly explain, but it had to do with the trajectory of this thing that would slice our broccoli. Then, we left, and my brother and I had to run back to our house, but they had turned it into dorm rooms and made all the rooms smaller (everyone got a corner of the microwave to use) and locked us in the basement. *we don’t even have a basement* so we ran around campus until we could finally get into our house and we had to battle everyone inside to get our house back, but the people inside were my cousins and my little sib from school. I was livid. Then there was some cap’n crunch involved somehow and running around and a Christmas tree, and we got our house back, but had a lot of unwanted guests in the dining room.

Still Dreaming

9 Aug

Last night I didn’t sleep very well. I slept on and off for a while, then was woken up at 5 AM and couldn’t go back to sleep because of the pain. Then, I slept on and off unintentionally all day. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, I know it, so I need to sleep well tonight. Hopefully my Ambien and Benadryl will kick in well tonight. While I did sleep, though, I had some strange dreams.

  1. In one dream, I was a nurse and I was new. I was teaching other nurses how the computer system worked. That dream was short and relatively normal.
  2. In another dream…I can’t even explain it properly. Me and several other people were all pretending to be one hillbilly and performing for a crowd with mud, trucks, horses, and this big wooden structure. Then we had to take care of the mud before our next performance, which some of the girls turned into babies and we all became gay. Then these Korean people showed the crowd that there were like six of us. Some people left, many stayed and thought it was beautiful. Then we danced ballet in the mud.
  3. I also had a dream that I was watching Supernatural while trying to simultaneously elicit and avoid a chemokine-induced shark attack in my bedroom on the second floor with mint leaves. I was terrified. I was also getting better cell phone service in the jungles of Haiti than out in the open in the cities. I don’t even watch Supernatural. I’ve never been to Haiti. The shark thing is just weird. I was doing that with my brother’s friend. The whole thing was strange.

 I swear I’d win a weirdest dream contest.

Helpless

6 Jul

Oh no, I love waking up at 4 AM in excruciating pain and not being able to fall back to sleep. It’s okay, I don’t mind vomiting until I can’t believe that there’d be anything left inside for me to bring up. No, I’m fine with having stage IV cancer with mets that won’t go away, that I won’t just “get over” so I can move on with my life. I don’t mind having to have conversations about Hospice while I’m only 22 years old, before I reach my dream of being a doctor. I know I’m a good person, and I didn’t do anything to anyone. I know that life is so unfair and never will be fair. I know that I lost my friend when she was 23, and she was the strongest person I’ve ever known. She never stopped fighting, and she still died. People die. That’s just how it goes. That’s a side effect of life. I know that my life has been full, so I guess I’ve lived a whole lifetime in these 22 years. I must have, right? Then why do I feel so angry right now? Why do I feel so helpless? Life is not going how I thought it would. I don’t want to hear my parents’ voices crack every time they talk to me. That’s bull, they shouldn’t have to feel this way. I don’t want my little brother to avoid any serious conversation with me. We’re growing apart when we should be coming together. I have to comfort everyone I talk to in some way or another or listen to them tell me things that I know won’t happen. Or they tell me things that make them feel better, and I have no idea what to say. I don’t know what to do. I used to be in control. I used to have my life all planned out, and now it’s all fallen apart. I have some tough choices that I don’t want to make. I just want to be able to sleep right now and not have to think about any of this. I don’t want to have to make this decision. I just want to close my eyes and pretend this isn’t all happening. Fxck Cancer.

Painsomnia

3 Jul

I’m up again at the butt-crack of dawn because I can’t sleep. Hospitals are awful for sleep, and pain is hard to sleep through. The sleeping meds wore off, and it’s about time for more pain meds…I can tell. I have a fever and my blood pressure is really low now, go figure. My O2 sats are low, too, so more oxygen for me. Can’t really leave until that’s under control…and until I go…who knows when that’ll be. The physical therapy lady should be coming in this morning and making me do some laps, which I’m actually not looking forward to even though I really do wanna get out of this bed. The list of things I can’t eat has gotten even longer, so I mostly just have a short list of things I can eat for now. It’s really just liquid things, so by eat, I mean drink or slurp or however I choose to ingest it. That’s about all for this morning report.

I Just Need to Complain

24 Jun

I’ve been in a really bad mood all day. I guess it’s because I’ve been extremely tired and my everything just hurts so badly. It’s not that I’ve been angry, I’ve just been really upset about how exhausted I’ve been and how much pain I’ve been feeling recently, and today I’ve been having new pain that I wasn’t even having before. The skin on my hands is peeling, and the fatigue is kicking my butt! My head hurts, it hurts to breathe, my back hurts, it hurts to move, my stomach hurts, it hurts to eat or drink anything, my bones hurt, my skin hurts…I’m just a hot freaking mess. I can’t even get proper sleep because I keep having nightmares and the pain keeps waking me up. I really just feel like crying.