Tag Archives: vomiting

Again

27 Jul

Hi I’m again in the hospital since last night because seizures, nosebleed, and vomiting. I did not want to go, but my mom and brother insisted and took me. On the way they keep arguing about everything and that hurts my head. They always argue because they both like to be right. Since the hospital, I get there and get a CT scan with and without contrast to see the brain tumor. That is causing the ataxia, vomiting, and headaches. It grew a little but not much. I cannot do SRS on it so that I qualify for the clinical trial. God, it better work. It starts Aug 11 for me. My 1st cycle. Pray it goes well, please? Here at the hospital, they’ve been able more to control the seizures so I have different seizure medicine combination to go home with. I’m just very scared and I wonder how many times I can go home. I am being super candid right now: I do not want to die in a hospital. Please no. I mean if I do die, you know? There is a rush to fix everything but maybe the last time I know they cannot fix it how I like so I leave it broken and go to sleep. Just a thought. That thought is over now. The trial is back at school, so I will be back there again, but my daddy will visit often. I love him.

Misery

18 Jul

Well…I have some kind of infection, the doctors haven’t figured out what yet, but they’re thinking a virus because the antibiotics haven’t knocked it out. My temp is still pretty high, and they’re using ice packs for it, and they’re freezing my butt off. I had some seizures, too. I’ve been having some pretty intense bouts of vomiting, and I can’t eat anything by mouth, so I’m on TPN again. I’ve been a little jaundiced, and I’m not having any urine output. Fluid is building up in my lungs, making it hard to breathe. I still don’t know why the stomach pain is so bad or what exactly is causing it now, but they’re giving me morphine every few hours, which is odd because I normally get fentanyl or dilaudid. But they’re pretty much keeping me knocked out all day, because when I wake up, it’s pretty much just miserable. Naturally, my mom freaked out and called a bunch of doctors she knows, and they’re trying to figure out what I have. My family caught a flight and they’re here now. My mom is trying to get me transferred home. Through all this, I did get a guy’s number, though. He was visiting the person next to me and said my smile made his day. That kind of made my day. There was this nurse, though, that would not smile for the life of him! I tried to get him to crack a smile because he just looked so miserable, but he just absolutely would not smile. Oh well. I tried. I called some people today and talked to them for a little while. I wrote some nice notes to people and listened to some music when I wasn’t sleeping. Today was difficult, but I tried to relax.

Helpless

6 Jul

Oh no, I love waking up at 4 AM in excruciating pain and not being able to fall back to sleep. It’s okay, I don’t mind vomiting until I can’t believe that there’d be anything left inside for me to bring up. No, I’m fine with having stage IV cancer with mets that won’t go away, that I won’t just “get over” so I can move on with my life. I don’t mind having to have conversations about Hospice while I’m only 22 years old, before I reach my dream of being a doctor. I know I’m a good person, and I didn’t do anything to anyone. I know that life is so unfair and never will be fair. I know that I lost my friend when she was 23, and she was the strongest person I’ve ever known. She never stopped fighting, and she still died. People die. That’s just how it goes. That’s a side effect of life. I know that my life has been full, so I guess I’ve lived a whole lifetime in these 22 years. I must have, right? Then why do I feel so angry right now? Why do I feel so helpless? Life is not going how I thought it would. I don’t want to hear my parents’ voices crack every time they talk to me. That’s bull, they shouldn’t have to feel this way. I don’t want my little brother to avoid any serious conversation with me. We’re growing apart when we should be coming together. I have to comfort everyone I talk to in some way or another or listen to them tell me things that I know won’t happen. Or they tell me things that make them feel better, and I have no idea what to say. I don’t know what to do. I used to be in control. I used to have my life all planned out, and now it’s all fallen apart. I have some tough choices that I don’t want to make. I just want to be able to sleep right now and not have to think about any of this. I don’t want to have to make this decision. I just want to close my eyes and pretend this isn’t all happening. Fxck Cancer.

I Went!

4 Jul

It was sickeningly painful. Lots of vomiting involved.

No Go

1 Jul

So today has been exceedingly difficult. I’ve felt worse than normal all day. I’ve had a headache (manageable), and a stomachache (no surprise there), and I’ve been vomiting all day. It’s not so much that the nausea was causing the vomiting, but it’s that I still can’t go! OMG! They’ve discussed placing another stent…this time in my intestines, since I’ve already had a bowel resection and there is some scar tissue there, and they’ve mentioned a colostomy bag, which is the last thing I would want. But I can’t keep going on like this. When will it end!?

Hopeless

12 Mar

Aaaaand…late last night I started vomiting blood. I wasn’t sure at the time if I was vomiting blood or coughing up blood, it was a little hard to tell, but I eventually went to the ER and found out I had a GI bleed, so…yeah…that happened. Ugh. So, I did get that problem fixed obviously, but I’m just feeling all sorts of hopeless right now.

No Rest for the Weary

18 Feb

I’ve been having so much trouble sleeping these past few nights. The pain is pretty out of control tonight, and last night and all of today I’ve been out of my mind nauseous. I like…can’t stop throwing up, it’s awful. Can’t sleep for more than 15 minutes without vomiting myself awake…so I’m pretty much giving up on the notion of sleep.

The Human Pincushion

14 Feb

My port was ocupado, so they had to start an IV…I’m a hard stick usually. After vomiting and “bowel prep”? Try impossible! They had about 4 nurses in there trying so hard to just get anything in there. Anything! Eventually they got this nurse from a different floor who is apparently an arm guru (not literally), and she strolled in smelling like juicy fruit and just slid the darn needle in there like it was nothing. She coulda had her eyes closed and done it. Why did they take so long to get her!?!??

Aside

Chemo Problems

1 Feb

Shoulda stuck with ensure or boost. I ate chicken and white rice earlier, now I’m uneating it, and I don’t think I chewed it thoroughly enough. Hindsight is 20/20.

Wah! :(

21 Dec

Today was…kind of awful. I just felt really sick all day. I spiked a ridiculous fever, I’ve been vomiting all day long, my stomach has been doing backflips, and the pain is pretty much out of control. I kind of just feel like curling up into the fetal position and crying. It’d be really nice to be able to just sleep all of this off, but it’s really difficult to sleep under the circumstances, and I’m so exhausted!

😦