Virus

Finally found out what this stupid virus is, and here’s the kicker: there’s no treatment for it! Just have to rest, treat the symptoms, and let it run its course, which could potentially take up to 6 months!! Ain’t nobody got time for that! Meanwhile, I’ll just be here feeling miserable. But at least we know what it is and that it commonly resolves itself. It just takes a heck of a long time. LAME!

Yesterday, I got really really sick, I couldn’t even function like at all. I was totally out of commission. Then I had doctors appointments and my blood chemistry is all jacked up and I had to get a Neulasta injection. Neulasta is the spawn of Satan…to put it nicely. My everything hurts.

My Everything Hurts

My everything hurts:

• My head
• My eyeballs
• My stomach
• My skin
• My back
• My neck
• My throat
• My hands and feet

My mom wants me to try one more treatment option. It’s new. I don’t know if I want to I just feel so done, but I understand where she’s coming from. I guess I’ll ask about it, it couldn’t hurt I guess. I’ll ask about that and get the home health nurse at the same time. It’s not easy being by myself. It’s getting darn near impossible. I guess that’s why my body is just rebelling right now. Too much all by myself, maybe? Maybe I have too much downtime to just sit around and feel sick. At least when school was in I had a distraction. Things I absolutely had to get done before the next day, so I couldn’t sit and dwell on how I felt as much. Now that’s pretty much all I do, and it’s really depressing. Speaking of which, the depression was lifting for a while, and now I’m afraid that it’s coming back. I feel scared and anxious. I feel helpless and hopeless. I don’t know what to do right now. I gave up on counseling, and I haven’t been to see the psychiatrist in a while, either. I do go back to see her this month, which is good because I’m almost out of sleeping pills, which is making me anxious. I can take short naps all day, but I can’t get through the night without them no matter how tired I am. I don’t know if it’s the pain or anxiety that does it to me or a combination of both. My bone marrow is starting to give me problems, it’s because of the treatment. And I’m not making enough EPO, so that’s not making things any better. I’m so done with all of this, really. But I’ll try I guess for my family. I’m trying to find ways to talk to my brother now. Talk more seriously, I mean. We’ll see how that goes. My mom went and called all of my doctors, because I guess she’s upset and just wants to know what’s all going on.

Hospice?

I have some good news. Once I talk with the nutritionist, I’m getting discharged! My heart is looking good, and since I went yesterday, and my O2 sats are up, and I took a couple of laps around the unit, they’re gonna let me go! That’s really good, that’s great, but before that, I have a meeting with my social worker, Mags, and my patient navigator to talk about the benefits of Hospice. I talked with my onc already about the possibility of stopping treatment, but it’s something I’m going to have to think about for a while. I feel like Hospice would be super beneficial, but I can also think of some people who may be kind of upset if I choose to do that. Luckily, it’s not like I’m being pressured into making any kind of decision. I can think about it for as long as I want. It’s gonna take a lot of thinking and serious conversations, so I’m gonna talk to my parents about it in person when I go home. Also, Hospice has more than just a facility that you can go to, they have home health nurses and lots of other things that I’m gonna learn about today, so there’s that.

SRS

I start SRS for my lungs on Monday. I had my markers placed, my pre-treatment consultation, I’m going in 3 times, and I’m a little nervous. I know it’s not going to be a huge deal…I don’t think it’s going to be a huge deal, but I’m a little nervous about the fatigue that follows. I have research to do, places to go, people to see…well not really people to see, but I don’t want to be insanely fatigued. You catch my drift. I just want this to be over with as quickly as possible, and most importantly, I want it to work! A month from now I’ll get a CT to see if there’s any progress, and that’s the day after my birthday, so there better be some progress! The pain has been more under control recently, and so has the nausea, so that’s good. My parents are gone now, and hopefully we’ll get good news from my dad’s PET scan results ASAP. I didn’t get taken off of any meds, but I got the dosage lowered on one, so that’s good. I think that’s all for now.

PET Scan Poopers

My dad was supposed to have his post treatment PET scan tomorrow, so he took today off of work and avoided carbs and tried to figure out what to eat today. WELLLLL, right after he got back from the grocery store, the office called and said that they never got the referral and won’t have it by tomorrow, so he’s NOT having the PET scan tomorrow. Needless to say, my dad’s a little upset about that since he changed his whole schedule around, so now he’s getting it next week, which means doing this over again next week. It could be worse, but it’s just inconvenient. Still hoping and praying for the same good results that his last MRI gave us!

Days Like These Are the Loneliest

There’s a really long exam tomorrow, which means I’m here with nothing to do (except study, which I’m clearly not) and no one to talk to, because they’re all actually studying. All alone. And it’s beautiful outside. It’s always beautiful outside the day before an exam. The weather taunts me sometimes.

Friday makes one year since my friend died. That’s also the day my dad gets his PET scan to basically see if the treatment worked. That’s the day after my exam, so I feel like once it’s over, I still can’t even relax. Then, the following Wednesday, I have an Anatomy/Embryology miniboard exam. Nope…no relaxing for me. At first, I thought it might be good…take my mind off of the recent bad news that I received. But I still can’t stop thinking about it, so now I can’t even study. I’m probably going to fail this exam.

I don’t know what to do, and I’m just feeling really lonely. I know I should be studying like everyone else, but I feel really mentally fatigued, and my classmates don’t get it. I mean I’m glad they don’t have to understand, but still…they don’t understand. My friend that died last April…she would have understood perfectly, I’m sure. She’s pretty much the reason I don’t give up completely.

Dad’s Next Step

So my dad’s 1st post treatment PET scan is scheduled for April 19th. I’m not really sure what to expect to see or not see in the scan, but I guess we’ll find out.

A Little Bit Random

I’ve been feeling really depressed and anxious today, but luckily, my counselor took it upon herself to email me constantly today. I think I needed that.

My dad is currently away at a funeral right now. My cousin died from colon cancer. I kind of had a feeling this was coming, I guess, but you never expect it to be so soon, I guess. And then on top of that, things like this just kind of tend to remind you of your own mortality. Like…we’re not going to live forever, but I don’t know how “done” we’re supposed to feel when we’re actually finished here.

There was a guy who shot and killed himself back at my college last night. I was just there! He was planning a school shooting, but decided against it and shot only himself. I have friends that live in that building! They think he changed his mind because his roommate ran in the bathroom and called the cops after he aimed at them. What is happening in this world?!?!

Also, I don’t remember if I mentioned this or not, but my dad is done with treatment now. He’s done with radiation, and he’s not doing his last round of chemotherapy. He didn’t want it, so…yeah. He’s done.

Close, but no Banana!

Found out that my dad won’t be done with treatment this weekend. Bummer 😦

His WBC counts were too low for chemo on Monday (welcome to the club), so he got 2 Neupogen injections this week, and the chemo was pushed back to March 11th – 12th. He had a lot of skin irritation from radiation, so the 4 more days of radiation that he has were also pushed back. He’ll be getting them next week, Mon – Thurs. Since I have a lot of make up work and exams to keep up with and study for, my parents have been keeping me a little out of the loop with him, so that’s all I know for now. They’ll fill me in with more details later…once these exams are out of the way. That’s fine, I guess. I just like to know exactly how he’s doing. Makes me feel less anxious.

Updates on Daddy

My feet are on fire, omg! In other news…my daddy only has 1 week left of chemo and radiation, woot! He’s been doing surprisingly well with all of it. I mean he can’t taste and he has mucositis in the back of his throat, so he’s lost a lot of weight…but the radiation has given him a stunning tan ^_^ and he’s been trying to do some work here and there around the house since he hates being bored or just chilling…probs where I get that from. He’s also been trying to do some stuff in the yard, and wears this big floppy hat and lathers up in sunscreen to protect himself from the sun. It’s pretty funny.

He’s mostly just been desperately searching for something to eat that he can actually taste or that doesn’t taste awful…AND that doesn’t hurt as it goes down. He also said the anti-nausea meds they gave him makes him nauseous. Ugh. Otherwise he’s doing pretty well. 🙂