Still no word about my dad’s PET scan. His appointment is on Thursday. I guess we’ll find out then unless my mom calls tomorrow. I think she wants to know, but doesn’t really want to know because she’s scared. She can’t go to his appointment with him either because she has work, and she knows what questions to ask. My dad usually doesn’t ask many questions, so that’s making her nervous, too. I’m sure she’ll call his doctor after his appointment, though.
Medicated Stream of Consciousness
28 JanI talked to my social worker and some other people, we looked at the advanced directives stuff and power of attorney stuff again to see if I wanted to update anything. I feel like that’s a bad sign, is that a bad sign? I keep getting these bad signs, and I’m not sure if it’s just me taking things the wrong way, or if they’re trying to off me! Like their goal just seems to be “progression free” and no one is saying anything like “NED” or “remission” or “cure.” I don’t know if their vocabulary is going to switch up later on, or if those are just not…options for me. I mean, I knew this was going to be a kind of longer term thing, but…uh…I’m like legitimately scared. I’m probably just overanalyzing each individual word and on too much medication, I dunno.
Scared and Alone
23 JanIn college, I had good friends that I could count on. A (co-ed) fraternity full of them, in fact! Now that I graduated, I live in a different city, and they’re all so far away. I don’t talk to too many of them anymore, and I don’t really have any friends here. Most people check up on me every once in a while, but it’s usually a text asking how I’m doing, and once I answer, then they feel they’ve satisfied their duty as a friend for a few weeks, and I don’t hear from them for a while. Maybe they just think I’m too busy to talk or that I want to be left alone, but I don’t, and I’ve tried to express that. Maybe I’m being too needy, expecting too much of people that have their own things going on right now. I mean, I probably am, but it’s just how I feel, and it’s hard to change that. I have one friend from college that I do keep in touch with on a regular basis, but she lives 7 hours away, so I can rarely see her. I just feel so lonely here. My family is amazing and they’re great people, but they’re just so stressed that they’re a little absent-minded as of late, and it feels like I’m talking to a wall when I try to talk to them. I’m sad pretty much 90% of the time, mostly because I’m doing this somewhat alone, though not completely. I probably feel more alone than I actually am, but that still hurts. Even texting doesn’t seem like quite enough on the really bad days. I’m the kind of person that…I just want to be in the company of a good friend, and that by itself tends to make me feel better. I’m really just scared and alone. That’s how I feel right now.
Rambling On…
28 DecThey’ve actually decided not to have my dad treated at Moffitt, but he’s going to basically use the protocol suggested there, and be treated closer to home. We need all the prayer we can get right now. For one, all of this is really confusing with different doctors suggesting different things, and then it’s also really stressful and scary. I’m just trying to hold it together. It’s really hard to tell my parents exactly how much everything hurts or how scared I am, I don’t want to make them sad or nervous or anything, when at the same time I know that they want to know. And then I feel like my parents are always somewhere else in their heads…and rightfully so, but it’s hard to talk to them sometimes and feel like I’m getting their full attention. This whole thing just seems very isolating, because my little brother has been avoiding everyone a bit, and people are just kind of frustrating me for one reason or another. I don’t really know if it’s me or them to be honest. It could be me. I could very well just be irritable. I can’t really tell. Either way…my CT scans came back, and it showed more growth since the last scan, so the Votrient wasn’t quite doing the trick, so hopefully the Inlyta and Zanosar work, and my weight dipped down into the double digits during this last hospital stay, so I have to try to get it back up quickly…somehow…without consuming too many carbs or too much glucose in general since tumors feed off of that. Mission Impossible! Glucerna straight into my PEG tube, maybe?
OH. MY. GOD.
23 DecI was exhausted yesterday, and was able to fall asleep with relative ease last night. Fairly early, too. I was really excited about this, because I usually will lie awake in pain, and that’s not the way I like to spend my nights. Imagine that!
However, I woke up sometime in the middle of the night in the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my life! Oh. My. God. I can not even begin to describe the way I was feeling, and I don’t even want to think about it too hard right now, because it was both horrendous and terrifying. I started to scream for someone to do something about it, but then I felt my voice catch in my throat, and all I could do was whimper and cry.
I’m still not exactly sure why that happened, but all I know is that I’m not in that kind of pain right now. I hope that NEVER happens again. I’m getting scans and tests in addition to the few I had last night in order to figure out what happened. For now, I’m going to take a nap, because I’m still exhausted.
RIP, Brittany.
16 OctSo…this girl I know was just killed the other day. She was in the military, and her vehicle ran over a land mine. Wow. That’s insane. I never really feel like these kinds of things would happen to people that I know, even though it happens to people all the time.
It just really scares me now more than ever, because my little brother is dead set on going into the Marines. 😦 I just don’t want anything bad to happen to him. My mom knew her and knows her mother, and now my mom is freaking out thinking about my little brother wanting to go into the Marines. I understand that.
RIP Brittany. Thanks for serving our country.