I Just Need to Complain

I’ve been in a really bad mood all day. I guess it’s because I’ve been extremely tired and my everything just hurts so badly. It’s not that I’ve been angry, I’ve just been really upset about how exhausted I’ve been and how much pain I’ve been feeling recently, and today I’ve been having new pain that I wasn’t even having before. The skin on my hands is peeling, and the fatigue is kicking my butt! My head hurts, it hurts to breathe, my back hurts, it hurts to move, my stomach hurts, it hurts to eat or drink anything, my bones hurt, my skin hurts…I’m just a hot freaking mess. I can’t even get proper sleep because I keep having nightmares and the pain keeps waking me up. I really just feel like crying.

Rambles

My tire blew today right before my doctor’s appointments…all my tires were pretty much bald unbeknownst to me. Ugh. My oil needed changing a few thousand miles ago. My car is fixed (easy)…I have AAA, but my body is not. I wish I had AAA roadside assistance for that. Hey, I blew a kidney…Ok be there in 45 minutes, they show up in an hour, here’s your new kidney! And they don’t ask you for money cuz you’re a member. But…life has to go and be hard, so that doesn’t exist. Plus now, I’m on a higher dose of depression meds and an additional depression medication, and I’m still depressed. Go frickin figure. My oral chemo dose went up cuz the ish is just spreading like wildfire, and it really feels like there’s nothing I can do about it. So what did I do? I cried in the mall while I got all my tires changed and my oil changed. Good plan, go me. Now people think I’m crazy. Heck, I feel crazy. Once again, I’m not supposed to be alone tonight. I missed school today. That lecture looked like a beast, too. Ramble complete for now.

Blah

I’m feeling the depression hard today. The not wanting to do anything at all. The random bouts of crying even when I’ve received the best news of life about my dad. The not eating anything. The feeling isolated and detached. All of it is hitting me hard today. I’m even talking super slowly and moving even slower. Now my eyes are all swollen from crying, and I just want a hug. Blah.

Good News!!

Ok, today seemed like a complete failure at first. I talked to my friend at school. I was getting there and it wasn’t raining. As soon as I stepped outside, BAM rained all over me. Poured rain. I was soaked and cold. They keep it freezing in that building, too. But when I got inside, my dad texted me that he just wanted to tell me he loves me <3.

Anyways, she gave me the advice of picking a scripture a week to go by that applies and really speaks to me that week. This week, I’ll go with that declaration I posted. Next week, I’ll go with a scripture. She also told me to pick one goal for each week and just focus on that one thing. This week, I’m going to try not to be irritable with my friends. I’ve been doing that, and I don’t want to. That’s not me. So, I’m going to consciously make an effort not to do that. We talked for about an hour and a half. She has anxiety, too, and was telling me how she copes with everything, that I’m not alone, and that more people deal with these kinds of things than I know. She said she was glad I talked to her and to talk to her anytime. That helped a lot. Plus I got the grade back for my exam that I took yesterday. I passed! I got a 74!! Not too shabby.

Also, my dad gave me good news! I talked to my daddy just now, and he said that his doctor said it looks like everything is gone!! Woohoo!!!! He had an MRI and it showed that he was all clear, and in 6 weeks, he’ll get a PET scan. YAY!!!!! Best news I’ve heard in a very long time. Maybe ever. Yeah…ever.

So in conclusion, today is not a failure. I may still be crying today. I may still feel lonely. I may still be in physical pain. But today is also good.

Bad News

Ugh more bad news, but whatever. C’est la vie, I guess… *as I secretly have an internal meltdown*

Literally nothing I can do about it. *except cry all day*

Success Terminated.

Got prescribed Zoloft today…that’s cool and stuff…and got a prescription for Abilify and junk, but…the insurance won’t cover it. No way I can afford that stuff, so…kinda panicked a little over that…and cried. Oh yeah, AND I had to walk in the rain to get to the pharmacy and back. That was fun. The End.

Definitely a Success!!

Besides my stomach killing me all day, today has been kinda fantastic. Even if I did have counseling today! I understood the lectures, I woke up at like 4AM and studied and understood stuff and junk, and I cleaned this morning…put on good smelling body lotion, painted my nails with this nail polish that’s white…ish…indoors and turns pink outdoors. I did my hair like 3 different ways then gave up and put it in a ponytail because I wanted to. I wore cutesy new clothes instead of scrubby scrubs. Today was another success! I think it’s the meds, right? I think…Oh yeah, AND I went grocery shopping! 🙂 Plus, I didn’t cry at all today! Definitely a success.

More Success?

I did study last night, and cleaned too! Did half of what I wanted to do of each of those things, but half of each is progress. Then, I took a shower, and made myself something to eat. I think my stomach just gets cranky whenever I eat stuff now, though, and it pretty much just either kicks it back or lets me know it’s not pleased. However, I did lots of things! I felt really accomplished. I took an Ambien early, and was about to head to bed when…COCKROACHES IN MY BED!!! EW EW EWWWW!!! They replaced my fridge, and the roaches living behind my fridge (I guess) needed a new home, so they moved into my bed. GROSS. I didn’t sleep at my apartment. My friend picked me up and I (already on the Ambien) got to her place and stayed there. I still managed to fall asleep before 11:30, so overall, the day was a huge success! Today, however…I’ve been crying all day. I failed a quiz (HARD) and people will just not cut me a break. I feel like people are just being mean to me today!

Big Steps

I talked to my mom yesterday, and she asked me if I remembered to call this guy to give him advice about getting into medical school. She asked me to do this a little while back right in the middle of exam week when I was doing regular and make-up exams. I told her that I forgot to call him, because I honestly just forgot. Then she got all mad at me and started saying all these awful things about me. I started crying because I had called her to tell her about the GI bleed and about me being depressed and seeing the psychiatrist. Obviously, I couldn’t do that now, so I just told her I’d talk to her later. That really upset me…a lot. So then today I called her to try again, and I did. I told her about both. She and I talked for about 2 hours, and she said if I were her patient and said all that, she’d put me on Zoloft, so she’s actually taking my complaints seriously this time. She usually gives me the “anyone in your situation” or “it’s the winter/lack of sun” or “medical school stress” speech. She told me she agrees with me going ahead and seeing the psychiatrist. So, that’s definitely a huge step. I’m also home from the hospital now, which is another step, and I plan to participate in Relay for Life tomorrow if I can.

Just…No

I can’t talk to anybody without bursting into tears…like I can’t say any words to anyone or have anyone say anything to me without just crying. It seems like all the crappy things just happen at once. My dad’s been really sick, my friend got in a car accident, I didn’t get the research position I applied for, and I haven’t been feeling well, to name a few.

Good things happened, too. I mean I had friends from back home visit me, and I did well on my histology/cell biology miniboard. I got 5 points above the national average, somehow…it was really heavy on cell bio. Light on the histo. I mostly just watched cell bio videos and didn’t study much histo. I got lucky that way. Most people studied the histo because it was explained to us that it would be mostly histo…I just never got around to it.

In spite of these good things happening, I just can’t seem to make myself feel happy. There’s more stuff my mom’s not telling me about my dad. She doesn’t want to stress me out, but I’m stressing out just thinking about what it could be and why she can’t just tell me. I just don’t feel like being around people that much. Mostly because I can’t make myself stop crying, and it’s really awkward. It’s just like…Hi, how are you? Or…How was your weekend? Something really simple, and then I just start crying. I feel like I have nothing to say to anyone. I literally just have nothing to talk about. Nothing interesting, at least. The only thing I can think about is how sad I feel and how crappy I feel all the time. I don’t wanna talk about that and no one wants to hear about that. So I’ve just been sitting around sulking and crying.

One of my professors pretty much dedicated her life to cancer research because her mom died of cancer. I talked to her and she gave me her cell number and told me to call or text her whenever, but like…I don’t really see myself doing that. She also said she was going to check in on me frequently. She said to connect with more people in the class, but like…HOW?!?!?! I try. Doesn’t work. Back to crying and panic attack city. This Ativan is crap.