My Everything Hurts

My everything hurts:

• My head
• My eyeballs
• My stomach
• My skin
• My back
• My neck
• My throat
• My hands and feet

My mom wants me to try one more treatment option. It’s new. I don’t know if I want to I just feel so done, but I understand where she’s coming from. I guess I’ll ask about it, it couldn’t hurt I guess. I’ll ask about that and get the home health nurse at the same time. It’s not easy being by myself. It’s getting darn near impossible. I guess that’s why my body is just rebelling right now. Too much all by myself, maybe? Maybe I have too much downtime to just sit around and feel sick. At least when school was in I had a distraction. Things I absolutely had to get done before the next day, so I couldn’t sit and dwell on how I felt as much. Now that’s pretty much all I do, and it’s really depressing. Speaking of which, the depression was lifting for a while, and now I’m afraid that it’s coming back. I feel scared and anxious. I feel helpless and hopeless. I don’t know what to do right now. I gave up on counseling, and I haven’t been to see the psychiatrist in a while, either. I do go back to see her this month, which is good because I’m almost out of sleeping pills, which is making me anxious. I can take short naps all day, but I can’t get through the night without them no matter how tired I am. I don’t know if it’s the pain or anxiety that does it to me or a combination of both. My bone marrow is starting to give me problems, it’s because of the treatment. And I’m not making enough EPO, so that’s not making things any better. I’m so done with all of this, really. But I’ll try I guess for my family. I’m trying to find ways to talk to my brother now. Talk more seriously, I mean. We’ll see how that goes. My mom went and called all of my doctors, because I guess she’s upset and just wants to know what’s all going on.

Catch Up

I’ve been hanging out with my parents for the last few days, because they’re visiting me. We went to the art museum, took a nap, I went to the lab…but at the lab I passed out and hit my head. Nothing major, just bruised. I finished my 24 hr MTT, though, and I’m doing my 48 hr today and my 72 hr tomorrow. So today my parents and I went to the mall and I got 2 shirts which are really cute. That’s where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing. My stomach, chest, and back been hurting quite a bit, but since my parents are here it’s ok. I have an appointment tomorrow morning with the oncologist and one Saturday morning with the psychiatrist. Hopefully, I’ll get taken off one of the medications. We’ll see.

Making Progress

Hello! I went to my research orientation part II today and learned about bioinformatics, research papers, research grants, and poster presentations. It was kind of long and boring, but tomorrow I start the good stuff!

So the counselor called me today asking why I didn’t want to continue with her. It was awkward. Then I went to the psychiatrist and she basically asked me the same thing. They both were trying to convince me to still see her, but I definitely don’t want to. I don’t know what to say to them to convince them that I don’t want to see a counselor. I got my meds refilled, too, so that’s good. I also talked to my oncologist and got another anti-nausea med added to what I’m already taking. I’ll have to take meds more often than I already do, but I guess it’ll be worth it.

Not Now

My depression medicines are working, and I feel mostly normal again, but I ran out, and I still feel a little too anxious to call the psychiatrist. I also wanna cancel the appointment with the super expensive weird counselor, but I feel too anxious for that, too. I’m just gonna do it, but like…not now lol.

Therapy Woes

So…I went to see this therapist last week that my psychiatrist recommended I see. I didn’t like it. The building was purple, the walls were pink, the carpet was green, and there were hummingbird things everywhere. It was a bit disorienting. I felt spaced out because of the meds, but she said stuff like “tell me about you, tell me about your childhood” like in the movies and she told me to let the little girl inside of me cry…uh…what? She said I have OCD because I wasn’t allowed to express my emotions as a child…I cried plenty as a child, and I told her this. I don’t have OCD, I’m depressed/anxious because I’m sick and lonely! I feel like she was just making stuff up as she went along. She even told me to come back into the room like she felt I wasn’t there in the room with her…what? I just didn’t like the whole thing, plus she’s super expensive, and I felt sketched out the whole time. I’m not gonna go back, plus I think the meds are working now. I don’t think I need a counselor.

Abilified Freakout

So…I know how I wrote before about Abilify not being covered by my insurance, and that I was going to make a few phone calls to see what I could do. Well I forgot to update that my psychiatrist called and said to come in to get more samples in the meantime, so I did. So I only went without it for about 2 days. I also have an appointment today, because apparently she doesn’t work Friday, but she does work Saturday mornings, and we’re going to discuss what to do about it not being covered and see if I could be possibly switched to something else while the Zoloft is still taking effect.

Steroid Girl: My Life as an Insomniac

Part II

I went to the psychiatrist last Tuesday, and she said that I have major depression after looking at the survey I filled out. We didn’t do too much talking, but I wrote everything down on one of the forms while I was in the waiting room, and she read it. So she gave me Abilify because it works in a matter of 3 or 4 days instead of 4-6 weeks like the other SSRIs that they normally use. She also gave me a vitamin that’s supposed to make the Abilify more effective and she prescribed Ambien instead of the Ambien CR that I’d taken before. She said I’d feel less drugged the next day. The Ambien does make me sleepy, and I yawn a lot, but I still feel a little drugged and sleepy the next day, and I still haven’t been able to sleep through the night with it. She said to come see her this coming Thursday and to see my counselor 2x a week instead of once a week. They decided that I shouldn’t sleep by myself, so tonight will be my first night back in my apartment after staying with friends and my brother’s godmother and such. The psychiatrist is friends with my counselor, and she went to med school where I go now. Oh yeah, and not only did she have a couch (which I sat on), she also had a recliner and a big arm chair. She had a book called “All Cats Have Asperger’s” and a box of tissues that looks like the tissues are coming out of a man’s nose. The psychiatrist wanted the counselor to call her during our appointment so that they could talk about how depressed I’ve been, and now I have to call the counselor like twice a day =/. Also, my stomach has been hurting a lot, but I guess that’s kinda normal at this point. Just rolling with that one. The whole counseling thing is becoming as much of a burden as the depression/anxiety, though, and I’m not even sure if it’s working.

Big Steps

I talked to my mom yesterday, and she asked me if I remembered to call this guy to give him advice about getting into medical school. She asked me to do this a little while back right in the middle of exam week when I was doing regular and make-up exams. I told her that I forgot to call him, because I honestly just forgot. Then she got all mad at me and started saying all these awful things about me. I started crying because I had called her to tell her about the GI bleed and about me being depressed and seeing the psychiatrist. Obviously, I couldn’t do that now, so I just told her I’d talk to her later. That really upset me…a lot. So then today I called her to try again, and I did. I told her about both. She and I talked for about 2 hours, and she said if I were her patient and said all that, she’d put me on Zoloft, so she’s actually taking my complaints seriously this time. She usually gives me the “anyone in your situation” or “it’s the winter/lack of sun” or “medical school stress” speech. She told me she agrees with me going ahead and seeing the psychiatrist. So, that’s definitely a huge step. I’m also home from the hospital now, which is another step, and I plan to participate in Relay for Life tomorrow if I can.